Physical Possum

PINK - Day Three

2011-12-08T10:27:00.001-05:00

Better day today! I spent some time looking over the PINK message boards on excercise.com and it was nice to see some feedback from all angles. Some folks are losing faster than I am, some are slower. Lots of folks complaining about headaches too. I found some answers to questions I'd asked myself.

I've been drinking Pink drink #1 all three days because that's the only thing I had all the ingredients for. There is no hemp protein powder to be had in Shall Oat but I did find coconut water and liquid stevia at the GNC. GNC is conveniently located next door to Subway, I took Junior to dinner there last night. I needed some working time tonight and it was easier to buy him a pizza than cook two meals at home. Subway smelled DELICIOUS and thinking about how it smelled is making my tummy grumble right now! He ended up only eating one quarter of the pizza so it was very easy to pack his lunch today!

So freakin' delicious!

I had a great salad for lunch, baby spinach and left over chicken breast, tons of veggies and sweet balsamic vinaigrette dressing. I didn't have a lot of time for food prep in the morning before I left the house so most of my ingredients were brought whole to chop up and assemble at the office. I cleaned out the corner of my "kitchen" at the office and made a nice work area and I actually had a really nice time playing chef. Over the years I've stocked up a few tools (peeler, grater, knife, modified cutting board). My cutting board leaves room for improvement, it is the freezer tray that came with the mini-fridge. Doesn't really work great but good enough to get the job done. I'm thinking of utilizing the spare glass fridge shelf in its place. I think that feeling of accomplishment and claiming a food work space was the best part of the meal.

Not fancy, yes I have a HUGE salad bowl!

I figured out how to steam vegetables in my Pampered Chef rice cooker by using no fat butter spray, a little salt and pepper and 3 minutes in the microwave. I'm just amazed by what that rice cooker can do! I enjoyed a nice helping of broccoli and cauliflower with a lean beef patty for dinner. The beef patties are getting old quick but grocery monies are limited so I started the program with what I had and what I could afford to buy. To spice patty up for dinner I used yellow mustard as a dipping sauce. I'm glad there were so many lean proteins on sale this week when I checked the Food Lion and Lowe's Foods circulars!!

I am suffering from a side effect of this diet - I have color in my skin! We went to the Christmas parade Saturday and sat on the Burn Your Eyes Out With The Sun side of the street so I was thinking maybe my face color was just sunshine. Then I noticed my hands and I had gloves on for most of the parade, and a long sleeve shirt. I'm a chronic hand stare-er. I've been mortified how age has showed on my hands these past 10 years. Normally my hands are pale and cold but now my hands and arms have a nice bronze-y pink glow. Junior remarked at how warm my hands were last night, I've also noticed the tip of my nose is no longer a block of ice. Maybe the color is from all the strawberries and tomatoes?

My body feels different. Weird. It's kind of like I don't have a "bloat" any more. Not that I was aware that I had bloat before. My back fat does not feel as fat anymore. My face feels smaller. I can tell there is less inner thigh to rub together when I walk.

Day Three Results: I followed the program with no cheats. I quit drinking green tea by 6:00 and finished the day out with water, adding half a lemon or lime to each glass so I didn't have any trouble getting to sleep. Day Two's sleep sucked ass because I started drinking green tea so late in the day and kept on while I watched the SOA finale. (Where the hell did Opie go?! He's totally missing church!!) I was wide awake at 11:00 pm!! Total weight lost 4 lbs in three days. Woo hoo!

Pimp My Mom

2011-12-08T09:39:00.001-05:00

If you are looking for a great Christmas present and you would like to support a local, small business, please consider shopping with Just Hand Made. Vonetta is my mother and you can see her fabulous work on her Facebook page.

PINK - Day Two

2011-12-07T08:23:00.001-05:00

Day Two can be summed up as MAMA WANT SUGAR!!!

Very bad sugar cravings today so I chewed sugar free watermelon gum, very cow-like. I was getting to the point I was sick of water so I finally made me a pitcher of green iced tea. YAY for cold caffeine!! I switched from drinking out of a water bottle to a cup because the bottle was annoying me as well. I've been backing each cup of green tea with one cup of water. It's a nice change up.

I was disappointed the breakfast smoothie didn't seem as sweet as it did the first day but it was still really delicious, and filling. Lunch was a repeat of salad and beef patty but I did run out to buy some low-cal dressing to make it more exciting. The two tablespoons I'm allowed was put on the salad and I ate that first, then sopped up the remaining dressing with the meat. Which left me feeling a little "Desperate much?" but if that's the only bit I can have for the day, I'm going to have Every. Single. Bit. Dammit.

I cooked grilled chicken breasts for dinner and conned Junior into eating one too. Ketchup can do amazing things! I also whipped him up a blue box of mac and cheese heaven and I did not dive face first into that pot. I finished my dinner off with some leftover broccoli. Junior managed to make very healthy snack choices (banana AND apple) before dinner so I let him slide with the "orange" and chicken. He acts like you're trying to shoot him in the face when you make him eat one tiny little tree of broccoli.

I've heard that attitude is everything and I"m trying to remember that. Not focusing on what I can't have but being excited and praising myself for making good food choices. Believe it or not, I don't want to black my own eye...yet.

A few weeks ago I decided to be a little more faithful about "it applies the lotion to the skin" because I was getting a really bad case of winter dry itchies. In only two short days of the PINK Method, I can certainly tell a difference in my gut and butt fat during lotion time. I'm proud of me!

Day Two Results: I followed the program with no cheats, enduring a pretty nasty sugar craving. I did feel a bit hungry when I went to bed but some water helped that go away. Total weight lost 3.5 pounds.

Pink - Day One

2011-12-06T09:04:00.001-05:00

It's no secret that I'm a big, fat girl. It is a secret that I've been hating my body for a long time now.

It's no secret that I watch Dr. Phil. It is a secret that I drank the Kool Aid from the P.I.N.K. Method show that aired November 29th. I entered the drawing to win the system and prize pack. If it's free, it's for me, right?

And then I thought about how I normally spend $80: half of an electric bill, monthly pittance to Home Depot, eating out 3 times in a week, a week of groceries, a trip to Walgreens. (Yes I spent $80 in the Walgreens but that included a Christmas present, some food, beverages and I won't have to buy hand soap or body wash for a long while. Coupons are your friends AND I managed to beat Walmart prices!!)

I really struggled with making the choice to spend money on a diet. What if I actually win the drawing? Hell, I won an iPad and lingerie money this year, I AM A WINNER! I visited the PINK website a few times that Monday and finally clicked Add To Cart at 4:00 that afternoon. If I do actually win, I'll have a system to pass to a friend. Yes, I will selfishly keep the Vitamix blender for myself but I will give away my Magic Bullet and all it's goodies with the system.

I dreaded receiving it in the mail, receiving it meant effort, work, commitment. After watching the package tracking, I did go to the post office as soon as it was delivered. I read the book Thursday afternoon and started buying diet items by Friday. There is a package of Jillian's Protein Whey Powder on my counter. I am disappointed it does not yell at you when you open it.

I did spend the weekend enjoying my last 6 pack of Coke, eating Christmas parade candy and being quite slovenly in general. It was kind of like a grieving process.

My favorite part of the PINK Method is that you kind of gradually go into it. Because of my starting size I have 14 days to spend on the Reset portion and during these 14 days all I have to do is eat right.

Day One went quite well. The breakfast smoothie was much tastier than I expected. The food prep hasn't been that bad. Sure I was grilling lean beef patties at 7:00 in the morning but on that same note, I was making lunch for a week! I did carry plenty of food with me to work, lots of veggies. And last night I only felt like processing one package of chicken breasts so I could have some dinner, but I did it.

I have horrible caffeine withdrawal headaches due to no coffee but a cup or two of green tea is helping with that. I was almost too scared to run errands at work yesterday because it is too easy to stop by somewhere to get a drink or a snack but I faced the demon and had a successful trip. Even after I dumped the ENTIRE water pitcher into the floor (AGAIN) I got back on track and drank all the water I needed to. And re-installed that shelf in the mini-fridge.

I did have a hard time when it came to preparing Junior's dinner. I had to chant I WILL NOT DESTROY MY DAY WITH BACON while I cooked him up a breakfast dinner. Same deal with breakfast, I usually chomp a few pieces of cereal when I pour his. I actually caught myself reaching into the bag, I'm glad my brain screamed NO! NO! and I listened.

It was a busy, stressful day at the office and I was really tired when I came home. After taking care of Junior's dinner, homework, reading assignments and shower time I almost broke down and to make a sandwich just to eat something but I fought it. I got up and took care of the chicken and was amazed by how much 4 ounces of chicken breast really is. I was pleasantly surprised that squeezing a lemon over some microwaved broccoli is pretty tasty, I didn't miss the salt at all. I did end up eating pretty late though.

I went to couch at 9:15, woke up at 12:30, turned off the Christmas lights and went to bed. I had some crazy dreams and was awake at 5:00, 30 minutes before the alarm went off.

Day One Results: I followed the program with zero cheats, didn't feel hungry or deprived and had a 2.5 lb weight loss.

Thank you

2011-05-28T08:00:00.016-04:00

Thanks Suzy! I'm hoping it's the best $7.95 I ever spent, and it will cover my entire backside. The parts its supposed to anyway.

At least I didn't do this....

2011-05-27T08:00:00.000-04:00

Is it wrong to appreciate roadkill?

2011-05-26T08:00:00.010-04:00

So I found this one morning while I was taking Junior to school.

I realize this probably makes me a total asshat in a lot of folks eyes and I'm ok with that. There's LOTS of reasons I piss people off. But this guy, he was a great leave! Those stiff zombie arms that break so gently at the wrists, mouth agape and he's flat on his back. He's in such good shape, I do wonder if he wandered out into the middle of the road, saw a car coming and had a "HOLY SHIT! CAR!!" squirrel heart-attack and just keeled over right there on the spot.

This is a very high-traffic road with no shoulder and morning school traffic is no place to be assing around. Also, I was driving my mom's car and the driver's window doesn't roll up and down, only down. I was very disappointed to know I had to drive away from Squirrely, undocumented. As I drove away I hoped he would still be there when I came back 10 hours later, but I wasn't going to hold my breath.

As luck would have it, Mother of The Year (yes, me!) forgot it was her snack day for Junior's kindergarten class. The thought of depriving 23 five-year olds of $18 worth of applesauce, pretzels and juice boxes about tore me out of the frame and I feared for their teachers' safety. Thankfully I remembered this just before my lunch hour so I made a frantic call to the school's front desk to alert them I'd be RIGHT THERE with some snacks. SNACK-A-GAWEA to the rescue!!

When I pulled off the highway, I tore around the corner on two wheels and I noticed Squirrely was still there, in tact! I doubt the Other Moms were driving around Squirrely to admire him but more worried about getting fur in their tires. Either way, thank you Other Moms!!

Adrenaline pumping from the power walk to deliver snacks straight to the classroom (which, from the main entrance, is the very last freaking class room in the entire building) I managed to get back out on to road to zero traffic. Remember, there's no shoulder and the window doesn't work. So I scooch far over in the lane without dropping mom's car into the boggy ditch and get out of the car and start snapping photos. I'm taking my last photo when I see a logging pickup come around the corner and the look on his face confirms what he's thinking....

What in the hell is this woman doing in the middle of the road taking pictures of a dead squirrel!?

I gave Pickup Man a friendly little wave as he passed by me and he gave me that really confused smile/wave combo. And if one witness wasn't enough, his buddy driving the tractor/lowboy behind him gave me the funny look too.

Timing is everything and I'm glad to be water cooler fodder because when I did come back thru that afternoon, Squirrely was gone.

Well, I do declare!

2011-05-25T10:03:00.000-04:00

de·clare

verb \di-ˈkler\

de·claredde·clar·ing

Definition of DECLARE

transitive verb

: to make known formally, officially, or explicitly

obsolete : to make clear

I still live in the small town I attended high school, as do a lot of my former classmates.
I graduated in 1989 and if I'm doing the maths right, that was twenty-two years ago.
We are all pushing or have achieved 40 years upon this Earth. (Suck it Fake Rapture!)
I have pushed two kids out of my body, ladies - you know what that does to your brain.

I had to make a run to The Walmart (small town rule #1: stores are always proceeded by "The") yesterday after work and picking up Junior. I only needed chicken bog supplies (chicken quarters, rice, sausage, celery, onions) so I checked out in the 20 items or less Express Lane.

The man in line before me was buying two tomatoes. Junior and I were discussing God Knows What (conversations with him change every five seconds) when the man in front of me joined in and starts talking to me like he knows me. After noticing the logo on his shirt (a vendor we use at work) I asked, "Do I know you?" (see also what having kids does to your brain)

This short, bald, Fu Man Chu-ed man with blue eyes says to me in an almost accusatory tone, "Well you should, you went to West Brunswick High School."

*blink* *blink*

This is the part where I remember A) I'm in The Walmart, B) I'm toting a nearly six-year old with me, and C) Even though I can hear the sweet sound of 10 pounds of chicken smacking upon that shiny bald head, Madea is NOT my middle name, so I casually wave him off, "Oh, I don't remember much about high school." And that is very true, I can remember my fellow band nerds, folks who were nice to me and folks who were not so nice to me but NO, I can not remember every single person who attended school while I was there.

Twenty-two years later I am still fat, I still sport long brown curly hair, I still have beautiful buck teeth and I still have big boobs. Thanks to Mary Kay skin care lessons and good mustache grooming, I am a very close representation of the 1989 me with slightly smaller hair and better makeup.

I can guaran-damn-tee you that if I locate my 1989 year book I will not find one single photo of a short, bald, Fu Man Chu-ed man with blue eyes. Why the hell am I expected to recognize you immediately, on the spot in The Damn Walmart twenty-two years later?

So hear me now Everyone I Went to High School With: I don't give a shit about high school anymore.

But if you would like to say, "Hey, you look familiar, did we go to high school together?" I would LOVE to kill 20 minutes with you in the greeting card section down at The Walmart!

Sometimes

2011-05-09T14:51:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I buy things because they are on sale and he likes them.

Sometimes I cook things for him and include those sale items he likes.

And sometimes, when I'm in that happy morning spot and the warm coffee hits my belleh, I remember...

...sometimes those favorites have side effects. And I will secretly laugh to myself and hope the jalapeños come out a little hotter than when they went in.

BUT, only sometimes.

Doing it for the flowers

2011-04-07T09:30:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I feel bad for my downstairs neighbor. I'm wearing my wedge shoes today and my feets are a bit on the stompy side. I know the noise up here can be loud from time to time. I was the downstairs neighbor for a good five years and during that time a guy who ran on a treadmill lived upstairs.

I think about how my neighbor, who shows absolutely no physical signs of being handicapped or have limited walking abilities, refuses to park in the 30 or so available spaces on the asphalt. He parks in the freaking GARDEN under the magnolia tree. Every. Single. Day. Because that 10' walk to you door is a wicked killer, amirite?

I pray for rain each day he is here (doesn't work very hard, only here about 25% of the time - not a very successful business model if you ask me). The garden area is low-lying and collects a ton of water when the sky leaks. He even DROVE OVER the patch of bell flower things that despite being driven over all winter, still emerged when awakened by spring. While the damn things are in bloom!

When fat girl decides to wear cute, strappy wedges to work it actually sounds like BIG FOOT is answering the phones up here. And she does NOT want you tiptoeing or driving on the mf-ing tulips!!!

It's Thursday! That's the new Friday!!

2011-03-31T14:46:00.000-04:00

My hours got cut at work again. I lose the equivalent of one paycheck a month, it's absolutely horrid. Know what pisses me off even more than that? When we stick to the new budget, we still get all the bills paid. Some of it is the hubs ability to work an hour or six of overtime at least once a month, but most of it is just bad money management. One of these days I'm going to grow the hell up and start feeding the damn pig on a regular basis.

Elder Spawn showed up out of the blue last week. He received his quarterly "injun money" and hopped on a flight home! After spending a REAL winter with lots of snow in Missouri and Kansas I highly suspect he visited mostly for the weather and he was not disappointed, it was absolutely gorgeous! I'm really proud of him, he managed his time wisely and everyone was glad to see him. He even did HOMEWORK on his vacation! I swear every time he says Calculus I want to puke, that's some scary math!

We had a nice family dinner at Nana & Mr. Grandpa's Sunday afternoon and I got to cook for him Thursday night. He requested beef and hominy soup and frybread. I'm pretty sure I'm the world's worst Native American but I do have some mad frybread skills. Check this one out, it looks like a chicken, ready for the roasting pan!

I got some new clothes! I've been trying to lose a few lbs and with the money being tight I was terrified of buying new pants. I don't think $25 worth of jeans would break our bank but I just couldn't make the buy. What if my butt started getting bigger? Can't we put that $25 on the Home Depot card so I can maybe paint the freakin' house? I thought about going to the second hand stores but I have plenty of faded jeans and I wanted some dark blue denim in the worst way. And I came about my new clothes IN the worst way: hand-me-downs from a deceased girlfriend.

I received clothes like this once before when Lee Anne died. Not a lot, but some nice pieces for work and some hang around clothes. When Betty died, her widower just couldn't bare the thought of trashing her clothes and he wanted to see someone truly use them. Our butts and boobs are/were the same size and he asked me to go through them and take what I wanted/needed.

It has been weirdly comforting to wear her clothes. I miss Betty like crazy, we all do. I'm going to start cleaning her house tomorrow and I'm pretty sure I won't need any water, there will be plenty of tears.

15.21

2011-03-17T10:55:00.000-04:00

Math, I hates eeet!

Necessary evil that it is, math proves that if my cycles continue at their current rate of 24 days I'll have 15 periods this year.

I'm totally having a Quinceañera for my uterus this December.

(I thought this was a trick coffee cup but it's actually a vase.)

I cannot believe he just texted me that!!

2011-03-10T13:30:00.000-05:00

Something wrong with you?

Well, let's see...

Our early-day textual conversation was complete with me giving you my evening schedule. You knew exactly where I was going to be and what I had to accomplish. I even updated you on the scheduled rain you were terrified for me to drive in (scheduled to begin 30 minutes AFTER I would eventually arrive home).

I left the office at 5:00 yesterday and drove 13 miles to pick up your son. After going through 10 minutes of crazy (four kids, two dogs, everyone trying to talk at once) I finally get him in the car and we head back to town another 13 miles to meet the widower so I can iron some work clothes for him.

We enjoy a short visit full of hugs and I love yous then we leave the widower and head towards the gas station because the fuel light has come on and I now have a back seat full of "WE NEED GAS!! WE'RE GOING TO RUN OUT OF GAS!!" I can assure you this is not a pleasant experience.

We get to the gas station and I start pumping and I can barely hear the "mom, mom, Mom, Mom, MOM" chatter coming through the cracked window. Mr. Man just has to ask, RIGHT NOW, if he can get out of the car. Clearly the boy is out of his mind because this is a drive thru gas place and secondly, he NEVER EVER has gotten out of the car while I pumped gas. That's a big hell to the no, you can't get out of the car.

Then we drive to the magic window to trade money for food. I made our specific order for each of us, pay the lady at window one, grab food from window two and drive away. We almost drive away, the boy has to fight his cup holder open before I can pass his drink off. I'm mid-turn out of the driveway and he's yelling for his food bag. (SERENITY NOW!!) We arrive at the lodge and after I get the door unlocked, I have to figure out which breakers to flip for the lights - in the DARK. Junior won't even come inside the building and is having another freak out. Awesome. The battery is dead in my trunk flashlight. I improvise and use my phone to poorly light the panel and finally find the lights using the Just Flip Them All Dammit technique.

We sit down to eat and BOTH sandwiches are wrong. Lovely. It's now 6:20 and the meeting starts at 7:00. We enjoy each other's company for a whole fifteen minutes over "dinner" and start setting up the chairs and all of my paperwork. People start arriving. I haven't peed since about 4:00.

The meeting lasts for just over an hour. I'm busy as a one-armed paper hanger and if I'm not busy with an adult shoving money and papers at me about every 2 minutes, answering questions, taking care of business then I'm being badgered by the mommy train. "Can I have something to draw on?" "Will you play tic tac toe with me?" "What does this hand signal mean? (there's a wall of group riding signals on display, he knows how to sign for a fuel stop and I doubt he'll use the sign the next time the fuel light comes one, he'll just yell like he usually does)" I also have to take meeting minutes, have I mentioned that I also forgot my coat and it was getting cool rather quickly?

I finally finish up inside and get the boy in the car, make two trips to get my stuff in the car and go back inside to answer a few more questions. On my final approach to the car I remembered I forgot to call the husband. As much as I hate to, I whip out the phone and call him as we're driving away. The time is 8:24.

I begin my call with, "Honey, I am so sorry I forgot to call you earlier. It's been a real busy evening and I'm really sorry, I've been..." He interrupts me to say, "Well, you could have AT LEAST texted me."

*blink* *blink*

Seriously? You interrupt my apology to you with an admonishment? Completely taken aback I pass the phone to the boy so he can talk to his dad. Of course the boy can not resist touching buttons on the phone and they are disconnected a few miles down the road. He doesn't call back and I'm too busy driving to worry about it.

Finally, after driving 45 miles in 2.75 hours we arrive home. I get to pee, HOORAY!! And he calls again, I immediately give the phone to the boy who is trying to put on pajamas and brush his teeth. I've listened to him say how tired he is for the last 30 minutes and most of their conversation is about how tired the boy is. They finish talking and give the phone back to me. "You good? Ok. Love you, bye." and I hung up. Those four words arrive to my inbox and I've reached capacity. I put the phone on the charger and drank a glass of wine while I watched COPS. (Thank you G4 for almost always having an episode of COPS around when I need one.)

Yes, something IS wrong with me. I've had enough of today and your stupid shenanigans are not going to make my day any harder than it already was. DUMBASS!!

And guess who needs a ride home tonight? I'll give you a hint, it's not me!

Also, your Honey Do List just turned into a "I can't believe that bitch thinks I'm going to do all of this!"

Filled to the rim

2011-03-09T11:21:00.000-05:00

Unfortunately, I'm not full of Brim coffee. I am full of sad and I'm praying the phone doesn't ring because I have that golf ball of emotions lodged in my throat and it feels like if I eek out one syllable to speak I'm going to totally lose it. The last eight months have been brutal. I can't Hank Hill my emotions any longer.

Elder Spawn and the Borrowed One left home in June, and not in a fantastic fanfare of awesomeness like they should have. It was ugly and to the extreme of GTFO or I may put you in the ground kind of way. I didn't talk to my own child for weeks, like about eight of them.

Hubs started working out of town. It's very hard to adjust back into the single parent world. I have a lot of flashbacks and relive the shitty way I parented Elder Spawn during those times. While I try not to repeat those mistakes (mostly a shit-ton of yelling and not remembering that they don't fully grasp the concept of responsibility in a way they don't have to be reminded 8,000 times/tongue-lashed into obedience) I constantly struggle to stay afloat that sea of emotion. I spend most of my Saturdays hiding in my bedroom because I just need a break.

There was an incident at day care and I had to pull Junior out of there. My lovely sister-in-law keeps him after school for me now. She is so good to me and my family, I feel like an ass for not including her more often. My brother has been away at school for over a year and I've never even had her and the kids over for dinner ONCE in that time. Why is it so hard to juggle taking care of your home and family and remember to include the rest of your family. Who all live within 20 miles of your home? I'm looking forward to brother graduating at the end of this month, he'll be able to babysit while we go do something fun. Or check in to a hotel and take a damn nap in peace.

I had a minor blow out with Home Girl. I'd been feeling extremely lonely, very out of the loop and just lost it when I saw she'd gone out, again, and again, I was not invited. I probably would have said no anyway, I'm not real excited to purchase over-priced drinks to enjoy an establishment and very paranoid about driving after enjoying a libation or two (even after being completely sober, cops - avoid them). It bothered me greatly because I'd been missing her very much, I needed a friend and she was too busy. I didn't bother trying to contact her for a date because I knew she was busy working herself into oblivion, usually seven days a week. And while I'm pouting about the state of our relationship, my guilt over sister-in-law grows and grows. Girlfriend karma was biting me on the ass big time. We had a nice talk about it and things are good between us. We are both still very busy so dates with Home Girl are limited to the occasional lunch and grocery store/shopping runs. Real exciting grown up stuff.

My very good friend, who raised Junior for me while I went back to work, committed suicide almost a month ago. We have/had similar personalities and I just can not understand why she took her depression to that extreme. I understand it is hard to ask for help, I don't understand why she didn't. Or couldn't. She was a red-head and stubborn so a part of me feels she may have even thought I will NOT ask for help and show my soft squishy belly of what she would have considered weakness. Naturally every time I feel like I've calmed myself with my feelings over her death, Junior will ask another question about her. I put on my mommy hat and try to give him the answers he's seeking without scarring him for life. Let me tell you, five year olds do not understand cremation and are fascinated with how she managed to fit into that little pot. While I love and miss her, I am so angry that she would put her family, friends and grandchildren through all of this pain. Reconcile that one.

A week after her death, a 14 year old boy who lived in her community had a hunting accident. He was climbing down from the tree stand, talking with his mother on the phone when he dropped the gun. The gun fired, striking this child down. While his mother listened to it happen over the phone. I don't know these people but I am so, so sad for this situation. It makes me hate cell phones even harder. When are people going to realize we don't have a third arm to take care of the many things we feel we must be doing all at once? I can't stop feeling that this could have been prevented. The news informed us a grieving team would be placed at the school so the kids and teachers could get the support and understanding they needed. I wonder if any of their advice was to slow down, do one thing at a time.

Yesterday afternoon, a bus from that same school was hit head-on by a car containing a family of four. The two children attended the same school. The family perished in the wreck, 31, 30, 9 and 6 gone in an instant. The car crossed the center line and speed was determined to be a factor in the wreck. I process that as a preventable death. Why was he speeding, what could have been so important to rush and why didn't they just leave 5 or 10 minutes earlier to avoid being so rushed? How come the parents weren't wearing their seat belts but their children were? The grieving team has been deployed to this school, again, fifteen days later.

I'm tired of hearing the word accident. I wouldn't call it an on-purpose but a lot of them certainly seem preventable.

Hug your kids hard even if they try to push you away. Kiss your spouse like you did when you were dating. Jerk a knot in your girlfriend's tail if she needs it and jerk two knots if she doesn't. Leave 10 minutes early to enjoy the ride and arrive safely at your destination. Put the mother fucking phone down and concentrate on what's important.

I feel better. I cried a lot, I think I can answer the phone now, even the mobile one. Thanks for listening.

Sweet tweet!!

2011-02-09T12:56:00.000-05:00

This counts as an award, right?

Email to a friend

2011-01-24T15:42:00.000-05:00

TO: Ycart
RE: Office Decor

If Parks and Rec aired when we were at (that hellish soul sucking job where we shared an office and other things non office-y) I'm fairly certain we would have poo-pooed the Where's Bruce game and built a righteous Ron Effing Swanson altar. We would dance around it wearing thick black mustaches while feeding Effigy Ron high grade beef jerky. Please enjoy this cubicle art and sigh with me over what could have been.

*SIGH*

How to train your dragon

2011-01-23T11:40:00.001-05:00

I am an Evil Genius.

In the beginning, he absolutely refused to go to the store for me. I don't want you to get mad at me for not getting the right kind, size, etc.

So I would make him go to the store with me. At first his job was to push the cart and keep Pooty from escaping. Then I started pointing so he had to touch the items and get familiar with my habits, also he started getting a little bitchy about how things went into his cart. I began sending him back tracking to an item I "forgot" an isle or two ago. I had him willing to hit four stores in one trip, dragging us from one end of the town to the other, so he would know how hard I worked the front end of grocery shopping.

He started working out of town last fall and lots of things had to be readjusted. One of the good changes was Sunday mornings at Walmart became a men only event. Daddy time. Hunt and gather. Conquer! I still do the other store shopping trips but it's a fair price to pay to avoid the big W. I maximize my advantage by shopping on my lunch hours at work so there is no need for me to be dressed in anything but pajamas on the weekends.

I lovingly put the list in store order, write very descriptive (sour cream, 16 ounces, store brand, avoid reduced/non-fat), note items that have coupons (also in list order) and we have a pre-raid meeting. Of course I still get at least four to seven phone calls while they're shopping but at least it allows me to gauge how much more Me Time I can get in before the men return. He just called with a produce question so now I must go and make room for their bounty!

Six months already?

2011-01-06T12:38:00.000-05:00

I have an appointment to get my teeth cleaned today.

I just realized, with great horror, I'm probably wearing the same outfit that I wore to my last appointment.
The black hand me down pants that are probably four years old, my comfy black cardigan I scored at the discount store. On the upside, I am wearing shoes and a shirt I did not have at my last visit. I got these two items the last time Mom cleaned out her closet. The shirt is a bit of a lower-cut V so here's hoping a boob doesn't pop out. The shoes are slides and I will Just. Die. if the right one falls off, I have a HUGE hole in my sock and two, not one, but TWO toes stick out.

Anxiety: I has it. (Eeh, and how weird of a word is anxiety? Where's the freakin' G? Oh right, this isn't kindergarten homework and I don't have to worry about writing the way the word sounds.)

Know what's even scarier than wearing the same clothes? The thought of what I must look like all splayed out in that chair when Dr. Dentist comes in. It can't be a flattering view, I can't pull my shoulders back to poke out my boobs and hide my gut. My butt may flatten out a bit but it still makes a pretty good lump in the chair and probably makes me look pregnant. Just a big ball of black blob with a mess-o-curly hair.

It's an x-ray visit this time. Hopefully my lovely hygienist will forget to put the 20 pound apron away and I'll get to snuggle all comfy...and hide my shame! She's really nice and professional though and I doubt she would forget. Is it OK to take a blanket in with me?

Really Woot!?

2011-01-05T11:04:00.000-05:00

NO, NO! BAD KIDS WOOT!

Not after Sunday's Reign of Puke.

It's just an old wive's tale...

2011-01-02T22:27:00.000-05:00

I heard, not once but TWICE over this New Years holiday, that what you spend your time doing New Years Day is what you'll be doing for the rest of the year. It's possible I've been told this before, but after raising children and birds you learn to tune a lot of stuff out and just listen for keywords like fire, x-rays, accidentally, etc. This feels like the first time I really listened and heard it.

Homegirl told me that's why she was going to finish getting her house work done New Years Eve so she wouldn't be cleaning New Years Day, therefore selling herself into indentured servant status and cleaning for 365 days straight. That's what her mama always told her and then I saw someone else mention it on Facebook.

Hmmm...I thought about it when I woke up at a very late 10:00 a.m. and made coffee New Years Day. I can't remember the last time we slept that late on a Saturday morning. Usually by 7:30 Junior is standing over the husband's side of the bed saying "Can I please have a bowl of cereal? Dad, are you wearing your pajamas?" (Yes, about two months ago Junior joined, and has been assigned as Detective for the Pajama Police. Those are some funny conversations to hear about and or eavesdrop in on.) Junior spent the night with my brother's family. The cousins had a great time playing together.

I couldn't just sit there and do nothing on New Years Day, even after I worked pretty hard NYE day and played hard NYE night (fireworks, tons of sparkler smoke, jerk neighbor and cops, hors d'oeuvres, dessert, dominoes - girls lost, Dick Clark, more fireworks) I could have sat around and done nothing. I did want to get some work done so I mopped the kitchen and bathroom floors, washed everyone's bedding, cleaned the master bathroom, watched Aliens vs Predator: Requiem, goaded the husband into running the vacuum cleaner*, worked the organizational side of the Blackberry, and messed around with my Cozi calendar.
*Brother Dear called Saturday evening to let me know that one by one, their household was erupting with pukers and wanted to know if Junior was ok. At that time, he was just fine.

I feel like I worked pretty hard, but-cha know what?? If I can spend 2011 actually getting my money's worth out of my Netflix account, learn to effectively use my Blackberry for more than just Facebook, keep my calendar planned out and organized, and not just keep the house clean but have help doing it, I'm okay with that. I welcome it!

And I'm so thankful that Junior waited until January 2nd to get sick and puke-y. I certainly do NOT want to spend my 2011 chasing him around and catching his vomit in the trash can. (It certainly beats having to drag out the carpet cleaner though. It was a pretty sweet mom maneuver if I do say so myself. I totally say so.)

I know when he recounts the horror of his evening and is telling me about his story tomorrow, hand motions and all, I KNOW he's going to say when he puked it came out of him "like a ball-cane-o" and then I will laugh really hard because 1) How funny is "ball-cane-o"!? 2) his puke was mostly red, the color of hot lava and 3) volcanoes hit me where I live and I have the same thought Every. Single. Time. I hear the word volcano.

My first memory of being sick and staying home from school is of my mom serving me some red fruity jello as a Sorry You Feel Bad Snack. Seems logical, jello is easy on the tummy and fruit is supposed to be good for you, right? After eating the snack, I curled up on the three cushioned gold couch and watched a TV show about volcanoes. When the volcanoes started erupting and the red-hot lava spewed up and out, raining its ooze down the mountains, my fruity jello began to erupt up and out of me, down my blue night gown and as I ran for the bathroom, I left a chunky red trail across the living room floor, down the hallway and to the bathroom.

And that is why I hate red fruity jello.

And maybe volcanoes too.

Gettin' paid

2011-01-01T21:14:00.000-05:00

What I did on my paid day off:

Washed 3 loads of mandatory pre-weekend laundry: towels, jeans, colors.
Cleaned my bedroom proving the bed is surrounded on three sides by actual floor space.
Discovered closet floor, threw out 4 pair of shoes - an act proving I deserved that manicure this week.
Made sweet, sweet love to my Kitchen Aid Stand Mixer: 2 loaves of delicious banana nut bread, 1 strawberry pie. Gave 1 loaf of bread to Homegirl who stopped by for a visit, devoured other loaf and pie at New Year's Eve celebration.
Enslaved the new crockpot to heat lil' smokies and bbq sauce to a bubbly goodness.
Celebrated my Wolfgang Puck pots and pans first birthday by whipping up a batch of black eyed peas.
Cleaned massive war field of a kitchen.
Paid bills, balanced checkbook.

These are the days I love my job the most.

See ya 2010

2010-12-30T11:20:00.000-05:00

Victory: Take it where you can get it!

2010-12-07T22:43:00.000-05:00

I ran office errands today. I usually do that on Wednesdays but the tree service was there and I was going to have to move the truck anyways....

I parked at the garden center entrance to Walmart. I went in all renegade-style without a cart. I picked up hand soap (only a few isles over), salt and pepper (cross majority of store, taking the scenic route through the small appliances to ogle the crock pots), lunch (frozen, almost to the farthest wall of the store) and a pack of toilet paper (apocalypse '72' size). Then walked aaaaall the way back across the store to the garden center check out.

I am SO counting that as exercise.

Even though getting in to The Walmart via the garden center is a piece of cake, getting out is always interesting. Due to my shortness, and the underwhelming desire to stand on the brake pedal with one foot, lift/stand with the other leg and contort around in a 360 degree "Is it safe? Can I move this truck without hitting anything?" view, I will go out of my way to park alone and take a long walk to the store. I did that today, pulling through into the top parking spot so my big, black pintle hitch hangs into the bottom spot. Alone. If I knew it would work, I'd pee on the tires so no one would park around me and my Giant Company Pickup Truck of Paranoia.

Of course, 79% of the time (estimated*) some small car will park next to me making it IMPOSSIBLE for me to pull out of my space the direction I prefer to exit (varies by location). Today's friendly small car parked on the right side, exactly in the direction I wanted to leave. Paranoia truck runs away from danger, just like the elephant and mouse. I exit to the left and I didn't want to make a tight turn into the next isle over so I opt for the next one.

Holy crap, it's the LAST isle. The access road, the way to the freedom of Main Street is guarded by a long, grassy island. The island comes to a sharp, pointy end that looks like it has just enough evil in it to take strike out and leave a nasty rub on the tire. I squinted hard to concentrate, hell I might have even closed one eye but I did it. A little to the left and a hard swing right, I cleared the pointy island end, even without molesting the space in the empty oncoming traffic lane. Too badly. OK. The lane was empty so of course, I drove the hell all over it.

I'm SO counting that as kick-ass pickup truck driving.

*No math was harmed, or performed, in this post.

Is this what it feels like?

2010-12-07T16:19:00.000-05:00

To be a grown up, I mean.

There's been a tree crew clearing up around the power lines outside my office all day and not one single time have I had a daydream / fantasy about that lovely wood chipper they're using!

Breakin' the Law

2010-11-28T11:25:00.000-05:00

Murphy's Law isn't always right.

Sometimes the toast does not land butter side down.

Once in a great while, you will actually catch the toast as it's falling.

With your left hand.

Sure it rained crumbs in a pretty sweet arc pattern.

But you caught the toast.

WINNER!!

Isn't it awesome to be a woman?

2010-11-08T15:20:00.000-05:00

You know how you know your bastard calendar is telling you your Special Gift from Mother Nature is only 5 days away - not that you need that crappy calendar, your hurty boobs and poor attitude is clear signal....

But you're at work, trapped in your paneled-wall cocoon, super pissed off that you didn't pack any Halloween candy in your bag today because "you don't really need it" (DIE, Jiminy Cricket, DIE!! Stupid conscious.), it's Monday, you had to WALK back to the office in the COLD to drop off a stupidly damaged pickup truck and check someone's PRECIOUS FREAKIN' MAIL before you can do any of your duties you were hired to do, and could it BE any HOTTER in this WORK HOLE OF DEATH and NO CHOCOLATE??!!

You remember the watermelon gum. You dig into your purse for that sacred bag of mints and gum because DAMMIT if you don't have something sweet RIGHT FREAKIN' NOW, your day is going to end with the flash bang of the SWAT team...

And you find THREE mini-size candy bars, glowing in their deliciousness....I am woman! Hear me munch!!

Suck it hormones, I WIN!! Yes, I still win, even when I'm laying in the floor surrounded by candy wrappers.

I am afraid. Very afraid.

2010-09-29T12:19:00.000-04:00

I just put my frozen lunch in the microwave. As I shut the door and pressed start, I remembered I put on a pot of pinto beans for dinner when I left the house this morning.

This is my lunch:

I totally called it!

2010-08-27T15:12:00.000-04:00

Dirty words. I played in the Zen Garden this morning; after swishing, swirling and moving rocks, I ended up with the word FART written in the sand and a pile of rocks to the side. I'd show you a photo but I left the camera in the car like a dumbass. (We're a one car family, I only get to drive Monday - Thursday. I'm a good driver, I can drive on the driveway real good. And the sidewalk even better!)

I can't even post Junior's photo from his first morning at kindergarten. Sweet, sweet release, thy name is KINDERGARTEN!! He's been bugging us all summer to go and when hubs and I delivered him to his classroom this morning we were pretty much dismissed by his small, brown "SHOO!!" hand.

So....in other news, I think the Bible has an error in it. Forget war, famine and pestilence, I'm pretty sure the first sign of the Apocalypse is my uterus falling out. Why does getting older have to be such a pain in the ass? And why, after all these lovely menses years, does my period show up DIFFERENT every freakin' time? This time around it seems that the tall Y grass in the yard of our un-cut lawn has burrowed itself under my cranky skin.

Don't forget we have a spare lot too. Full of effing TALL Y GRASS.

RAGE! I has it, now please pass the Midol!!

Exit 99: I figured out what all of that oriental-like spam in my comments was about. They were mostly in Chinese and all trying to sell penis pills. Awesome. I'm still not going to moderate (too lazy for that) but at least Blogger seems to have improved controlling unmoderated comments. I'll try to remember to translate some of them for you next time they show up. In case you're interested in that kind of stuff. (Someone please tell me why the internet is controlled/censored in China but they can still spam the crap out of you trying to get you to buy medicine for your hot rocket love needs to please her?) (And after all these years, how come the internet STILL doesn't know I don't have a penis?)

Finding Zen, a.k.a. Killing Printers

2010-08-26T15:58:00.000-04:00

My brother gave me a Zen Garden (contains; rake, sand, rocks and garden tray) (their semicolon, not mine) for my birthday. He thinks I deserve some sand of my own to play in since I'm George the Monkey Cat's designated turd scooper. He's nice like that. My nephew even brought me a sparkly driveway rock to add to it.

(Cat Side Note: Why does my cat act like I'm stealing from her when I'm cleaning out the litter box? I'm serious, she pats my arms down, shakes my collector bag and looks at me as if to say, "Where are you going with my babies?!!? I made those you know. I put them there for a reason!" Anyone else's cat/s do this?)

(Crazy Cat Lady Side Note: Did I really just blog about cat poop?)

I finally took the garden out of the box today. I was expecting a bright burst of light into an exploding moment of enlightenment only to be met with the Styrofoam Floaty of Static Clingy-ness and a packet of silica gel giving me the stink eye. My first thought was "I'm going to need more sand." When I released the trapped sand from it's tiny confines of a zip lock bag it did pour out to be enough. Clearly my perspective is off (and not just about sand). I'm so out of whack lately that I had to look up images on how to play with this thing.

So I'm going to work on it. Real hard. And I do hope to find some zen. It's been a long, hot summer, my brain is fried and my heart is a bit hurty.

Who wants to start a pool on how long (or short) it will take me to knock said garden off my desk, therefore puking it's falling guts into my printer? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Crappy Birthday, America!

2010-07-04T23:56:00.000-04:00

7:30ish, George the Monkey Cat is meowing loudly.

I tell him, "Junior! Go feed your cat!!"

He jumps up out of our bed to tend to his cat duties.

"Dad! DAD! DAD!!!" he yells.

Junior has just learned the power of the shart.

I get to the bathroom and it's just as amazing as it is disgusting. Remember that spinning paint toy from when we were kids? It was just like that but brown.

Rough way to start the morning, and before the coffee was made! Junior did come up to me later in the morning and apologize. "I'm sorry I pooped in the floor, mom."

"Its ok buddy, I know the medicine you're taking for your ear infection is upsetting your tummy."

"Yeah, it makes my poop lazy."

**********

I spent the morning making watermelon ice cream. It came out great!

I also made three pies: Strawberry and Keylime Weight Watchers pies and a Texas Lemon pie. I spent the previous day in the kitchen as well. I was tired so I took a nap.

When I woke up from my nap I thought it felt hot in here so I went to check the thermostat. It was set to 72 but read 78. Great, now on top of the problems we're having with the water heater, we now have a cooling problem.

On the plus side, we're having some fantastic weather so we're not roasting to death in a muggy house.

******************

Cut to this evening, just after we'd finished being entertained by the whistling, exploding, smoking display of our hard earned-easily burned money, trying to get everything put away and everyone inside.

I'm stacking chairs on the porch and Junior walks up. "Hey mom, you remember this morning when I farted but I pooped instead?"

"Yeah buddy, I sure do." And OMG, do I ever, it was awful!

"It happened again."

At least this time it was outside and I had a water hose nearby.

Icing on the Crappy Birthday America cake: I had a nephew puking in the flower bed and a niece with diarrhea blowing up the main bathroom.

p.s. The ice cream was delicious.

Status Update: TMI Edition

2010-05-15T10:59:00.000-04:00

The ease of Facebook and almost instant gratification has made me a very lazy blogger. And it's not always appropriate to write the first thing that comes to mind when you read anyone's status update in such a public forum. So I'll come here, to my area, to say what I want to say.

And sometimes, what I want to say, is just way too much to only say in my head. I'm afraid my brain will go into "lower intestine mode" (holding in farts...you know what that turns in to) and I'll risk blowing smoke out of my ears. That's not an attractive look and I'm at that age when I need to feel as attractive as possible. (Shout out to the lady that carded me at the liquor store last weekend. When I wasn't wearing any make up! And yes, I have a witness to testify.)

Last night:

This morning:

Holy crap! The asparagus pee is killing me. I usually cook with frozen stir fry vegetables, but since I've been back on the FlyLady gig, I had fresh vegetables on hand to use: asparagus, cabbage and onion. I left the asparagus whole, making it easier for the haters to pick around. There was lots of extra asparagus for me. So yeah, gross.

I did have a great time cooking it up though. Teenage angst, guerrilla budgeting and PMS have made it a very stressful week. I was going to use my time in the kitchen for good, not evil. I took my time, I paid attention to detail, I had everything chopped up and organized before I turned the wok on.

Oh my precious, sweet, miracle-making wok, how I love thee! Wolfgang Puck Electric Wok, you complete me. In the kitchen, not in any other way. In other ways, you're really boring. But in the kitchen, my dear Franklin, you make my heart soar and my taste buds cry for mercy.

And you also give me a great shoulder work out with all the stirring movements. Armed with a silicone spatula in each hand I lovingly scoop and toss the chicken about, yelling around the corner to "open the windows and get a cross breeze going so the fire alarm doesn't get smoked up and start screaming." Because I'm a professional cook like that. *snort*

I'm having some second thoughts about the asparagus patch we planted a few weeks ago....

I Like BIG COUPONS and I Can Not Lie!

2010-03-19T12:19:00.000-04:00

I feel so powerful after a trip to the grocery store these days. Hell, it takes me almost two days of coupon collecting, paper reading, list making and menu planning before I even touch a grocery cart handle, I deserve to feel powerful.

Sometimes though, I think I may be taking it a bit too far.

Not just a post about the power of saving and a tasty lunch, but I had to comment on it too?

And my poor, dear husband - light a candle for him. He has to LISTEN to me BRAG about it. Often. And a lot. "In sickness and health, for richer or poorer" covers Coupon Crazy, right?

I joined a cult.

2010-01-29T13:45:00.000-05:00

I finally succumbed to the Digital Side and got hard core cable with a DVR so I would never, ever have to miss a moment of LOST.

Also, I'll be able to watch Robot Chicken ON DEMAND because I'm old and can't stay up that late anymore. Sometimes being a grown up ROCKS!!

When I grow up...

2010-01-28T21:37:00.000-05:00

Click and drag
Right click
Search Google for
Linkage

When I grow up, I want to be Google.

They're so cute at that age.

2010-01-27T09:37:00.000-05:00

I've been hoarding 2 Mucinex pills since the last time I had a cold...about 2 years ago. I remembered the stash and shoved the bottle at the Husband.

TAKE THESE or I will suffocate you in your sleep.

Husband spent all of yesterday blowing and hacking. When his foreman asked him if he was OK, he confirmed that Mucinex was good stuff. Thanks for the confirmation Foreman, I'm totally baking you a cake this weekend!

Because Sir Hacks a Lot had me all sleep deprived, I forgot to swing by the store for Mucinex, bread and milk. I DID remember to bring home Pizza Hut because I had every single intention of eating and passing out as soon as we got home. When I snapped to (remembering I forgot...weird!) Husband offered to go for me. SWEET! He even took Junior with him. Suck up!!

As I was almost asleep in the recliner, my phone rings, it's him.

"What color is the box?"

What do you mean what color is the box? I gave you a bottle this morning, not a box and the last time I bought it was 2 years ago.

"Well there's a blue one but it's $30.00!"

Dude, I don't care what the price is. If it will SHUT YOU THE HELL UP, it's worth it!! Also, it's the same price as the doctor's co-pay, which you won't go to so just buy the damn things!!

Sir Hacks a Lot didn't show up until 5:00 this morning. And I slept like a log. I win.

I don't want to and you can't make me. Dammit.

2010-01-26T11:22:00.000-05:00

I've been sitting on the sidelines because I haven't been good company lately. I got an RX that makes that a bit better and while I continue to struggle with the good and evil in taking a pill, I'm ... I am.

Facebook is totally killing my blog and making me lazy. That's what the title is about. I'm in a pissy mood and I should be working. At least I wrote it here instead of cheating and dumping it on FB. (Which today, my status reads: is feeling stabby today. HRUMPH!)

I am absolutely SICK AND TIRED of folks who are SICK AND TIRED!

Last week Junior was diagnosed with a double ear infection, sinus infection and pink eye. I wanted to just break his leg while we were in the doctor's office so we could get that tended to as well. SHEESH!! Since he was so full of bugs he had to take the nastiest antibiotic known to man. Twice a day for FOURTEEN DAYS. Our health insurance gives us free prescriptions so I had the $30 to buy bribes to get him to take the 3 ml of milky white sand liquid twenty-eight times. Twenty. Eight.

Then the Husband brought home a cold from work. And of course, he doesn't ever want to go to the doctor to get meds to fix him so I get to listen to him hack and cough. Even when I'm sleeping. Or rather, trying to sleep. WTF is wrong with men? When I am sick, I go to the doctor, take my meds and try to be extra quiet when I'm coughing up a lung. You know, still be considerate to others that I live with. Especially when it's 3:00 in the morning and everyone is asleep. I sure have enjoyed the past week in the bedroom. SNARK! I don't even have to put a quarter in the Magic Fingers to get the bed all shaky, Sir Hacks a Lot does it for me.

Woot! You are sucking major ass. How come the Woot Offs have been consistently coinciding with my mortgage payment's due date? I have to save all month to pay it and then you dance your wiggly butt across my screen trying to get me to buy something. And you're doing it on Kids.Woot! at the same time!!?? I thought you were my friend and that you loved me. Buncha whores.

Jeebus, after re-reading this I don't think I'm good company NOW, let alone over the past few months!! I'm hungry and I'm going to go bitch me up some lunch.

Infidelity

2009-12-17T16:49:00.000-05:00

It's time to tell the truth. Even if it hurts.

I've been cheating on my boyfriend.

And loving mostly every minute of it.

I'm always with my boyfriend in the car, at work and in the kitchen. We really click when we're together, seeing how music tames the savage beast.

Over the past few weeks though, the beast is getting mixed messages and hardly any soothing at all. You see, I hang out with my boyfriend because he woos me with the music I grew up with, a.k.a. My Parents Music.

When my boyfriend sings Suite - Judy Blue Eyes to me and backs it up with Mr. Brownstone we have a HUGE problem. Don't get me wrong, I love both songs dearly. DEARLY. And differently, oh so very differently.

I went to my 20 year high school reunion in October. I do NOT need a daily or even an hourly reminder that MY MUSIC is now 20+ years old. And WHAT THE HELL boyfriend!!?? What happened to your Classic Rock genre? Now you just say rock.

I've heard some rather questionable choices/voices come out of you, in particular you incessant need to play Chickenfoot. Sammy Hagar grates on my LAST nerve. If I hear ARRIBA ARRIBA One. More. Time. I'm going to go crazy!!

So I ran a few feet back the dial into my 80's easy listening comfort zone. And those bass turds are playing Christmas music until the rest of the year. It's ok, it's perfect for the office, I don't have to feel guilty about my radio choice and hide my shameful boyfriend love. WOW - I'm amazed at how many cheesy Christmas tunes have been recorded. I'm also thankful they play the old time standards, that keeps me from having to commit space on my mp3 player to my Time Life Christmas Classics CD.

I am most thankful to the sweet baby Jesus that I continue to work in this office, A L O N E. Because this man and this song makes me believe I can sing every song that comes out of the radio. I believe I am singing just as pretty as this:

but most likely, I'm pretty sure I sound like this:

Reader Me This, Batman

2009-12-07T06:00:00.001-05:00

I'm catching up on my reading. Here's a well-written LOL to share with you from FML.

What you said yummcookie, I salute thee! It may not be very nice (sorry Memaw), but it is pretty funny. And good luck to you xfmylifexxx. Too bad we don't get a location on this FML entry, but I do wonder if this happened in a fairly Southern place?

Today, my Asian parents and I went to burger king. When it came to the drinks, my dad said, "cock and no ass." I had to explain to the horrified cashier that he meant, "coke no ice." FML

#6626896 (78)

I agree, your life sucks (10797) - you totally deserved it (659)

On 12/06/2009 at 12:22am - misc - by xfmylifexxx (man) - United States (Maryland)

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EPIC WIN

#1 - On 12/06/2009 at 5:59am by yummcookie

Redneck OCD, I has it.

2009-12-06T15:16:00.000-05:00

I recently bought one of these steam cleaners at Big Lots for $59.00. And I feel like I've already cleaned enough with one gallon of distilled water to cover that cost in cleaning chemicals when applied by hand upon the same areas.

This is the greatest cleaning tool I HAVE EVER USED! I get pretty grossed out when I think about how dirty I left things that I thought were clean when I "washed" them with cleaning products. Cleaning products that burned my hands Slap! Up! Not to mention me coughing for air or losing the ability to taste!!

I really, REALLY want to keep cleaning. I can't stop, even as gross as the process is to get things clean. I want to keep going and going and going! The kitchen and bathroom floors get so clean they squeak. I have so much serious love for this machine I want to kiss it on the lips. I thought I saw the Kitchen Aid Stand Mixer look at me a little on the bitchy side while I was steam-mopping the kitchen floor. "Jealous much, KASM?" Shark's indigo eyes batted up to the counter-top.

That's why I am diagnosing myself with Redneck OCD. I keep catching myself saying, "Hey ya'll, WATCH THIS!" as I beg for an audience to witness me wash away the missed splatters on the wall behind the trashcan. Living in a house full of males makes me happy that at least most of the trash makes it into the can at all. I yield my weapon for what it is, my Direct Steam Power Wand of Awesomeness.

The only down side to my new toy is the fact that we live in an unincorporated area and have very hard well-water so you can only clean as much as your inventory of Distilled Water of Germ Killing Mass Destruction will allow. Also, you have to have plenty of cheap towels to wipe up the left over steam-water.

Now I sit in my Fortress of Solitude and think. I must decide if I am going to enjoy the rest of my afternoon relaxing after all of that work ... or will I work up enough courage to find myself driving to the pusher-man's house for another hit?

Kid speak

2009-12-02T20:25:00.000-05:00

I don't usually give Junior his bath, the husband does. Sometimes Junior gets in a mood and doesn't want to work with his dad and he asks me to do it. Sometimes I say yes, most of the time I make the two of them suffer through it together.

It had been a while since I'd bathed him so it was fun having to remember his bathing habits.

After taking care of All. Of. That. Hair. and getting the "may doughs" (tomatoes) out of his ears, we rinse him off and I wrap his hair up to dry. "It's a genie hat!!" Then I'll wrap him up in his towel and heave all of his 40 something pounds of boy out of the tub. Squirmy.

Because it is impossible to do anything the easy and direct way when you're four, Junior insists on standing on his stool to be dried off. Whatever, it's forward progress and even though I am annoyed, I'll allow it.

I playfully pat his brown little face, rub down the left arm and then the right. A quick shimmy along his belly and back and it's time to work on the lower limbs. Junior sticks out an arm to lean against the wall and I grab a foot to squeeze out his toes, up his calf and as I dry the top of his thigh he always yells out

"DON'T FORGET THE UNDERLEG!!"

Please view this anatomy chart:

I don't see the Underleg labeled, do you?

And I love YouTube!

2009-11-30T20:49:00.000-05:00

Thank you people of YouTube, thank you very much.

Most times, when I have a small flashback of *whatever* and want to research it, most times I can find it on YouTube. This week's flashback is musical, to be more specific, My Parents' Musical. Being a child of the late 70s, I sure did get exposed to some very different music. (The Parents also introduced me to Tom T. Hall.)

Here are a few examples of weirdness that have always plagued me. Emphasis on plague.

The Edger Winter Group, Frankenstein

I covered this one real good a while back.
Actually I mentioned it twice. I have issues with this song, these people!

America, Ventura Highway

I always took this as "venture a highway." I was always exploring while singing this song.
WTF is an alligator lizard anyways?? And why in the HELL are they in the air? HOLY CRAP! They're real. Wikipedia can be a very scary place!
Now that I'm a grown up (and not 7) I totally get the "nights are stronger than moonshine" bit. I don't think my nose hairs have ever grown back from that one taste. If you've had a night stronger than moonshine, how are you able to sing so pretty?
Totally the first place I heard about purple rain, I wonder if Price got it from them too?
I don't know what's wrong with my boyfriend, but I wish he'd play them more. And Chicago too. forget the cowbell, we need MORE HORNS!

The Who, Boris the Spider

I barely remember this song, but I do remember the scary voice scaring the crap out of me. Its possible that my fear of spiders began with this song.
There are only a few words to the song, it's not complicated or long. The only lyrics I ever heard were "HERE COMES THE SPIDER! HERE COMES THE SPIDER! CREEPY! CRAWLY! CREEPY CREEPY CRAWLY CRAWLY!!" And it made me want to scream and run away.
This one time, at government-run junior college, I rode the Billy Jack bus to the free movies. The movie was Arachnophobia. I broke the seat in front of me because I was so creeped out, I would NOT put my feet on the floor. I had my feet braced on the back of the empty seat in front of me and ended up cracking it after kicking it for 103 minutes.
Until today's lyric search, I never knew that the spider got smashed in the end. Awesome! The spider dies!! Wish I'd have known that for the last 30+ years.

So what about you? Do you have any music issues or am I the only freak around here?

Do you hear what I hear?

2009-11-21T11:20:00.000-05:00

It's that time of year again. Holiday jewelry commercials.

So Kay has started their campaign with a new piece called Love's Embrace. Have you seen the commercial? It's here, please go watch it.

Did you hear the last line being sung by the man, "Every kiss begins with Kay?"

DOESN'T THE MAN SOUND LIKE BUFFALO BILL FROM SILENCE OF THE LAMBS?

It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets love's embrace AGAIN!

And I don't think home boy is talkin' 'bout no jewelry either.

Don't you just hate it when....

2009-10-26T13:55:00.000-04:00

....you're sitting at your desk, working your little Monday fingers to the bone and one of these crawls out from under your keyboard....

At least he's not all talky and irritating like this guy:

But yes, it would be nice if he made me coffee or brought me a snack or answered the phone or something.

Far Leather Flower Noun

2009-10-13T11:17:00.000-04:00

She always ran late. Late to work. Late to dinner. Late. It was often said about her...she'll be late for her own funeral!

It was kind of true. There were so many folks at visitation, the funeral did start late.

I'm dreaming about her. They were casual, fun dreams until Sunday. I woke up in a cold sweat Sunday.

She would live if she took this medicine. She could have the medicine if requirements were met.

If I met the requirements.

It was not clear what the requirements were, but I did meet them for a while.

And she lived.

Then she died again. And it was just as horrible as it was the first time. But this time, unlike the first, brought the grief. Six hundred sixty days later.

The grief is stacked on top of the stress. The stress is large, uneven and unruly. The stress is having a hard time balancing it's grief. Tears spill almost constantly in an effort to minimize the strain. Keep the dam from completely bursting.

I sit at the office and cry through the payroll, invoicing and production reporting. I'm hidden away in the kitchen cooking dinner, washing dishes and crying. I'm out walking the dog at night so I can cry and cry and cry some more.

She was not my daughter so I don't grieve for her the way my grandma does.

She was not my sister so I can't grieve for her the way my mother does.

She was truly my friend, confidant, partner in crime, co-event manager, yen to my yang. We used to have a happy hour/bitch session almost every day after work. In about an hour we were able to listen or bitch, get it out and move on. When I remarried, those "therapy" sessions decreased in number and that was OK with me as I had a husband to tend to. Then I got pregnant. Then she had a surgery and got "diagnosed."

The tumor came from where? What do you mean more surgery? Why didn't you do your job the FIRST TIME, on THIS surgery?

And two weeks later I had a baby. At the same hospital.

Then we needed to buy a house. Then we moved to the other side of the river.

River Yankee. We thought we were pretty clever when we decided to call her boyfriend that. Now I'd become one.

I loved the area we all used to live in, but when bought on the other side of the river, that commute back "home" seemed so far away. And a pain in the ass to get to. Visits became much less frequent.

And her hair fell out. She told Junior they were going to have a race. Who could grow their hair faster, longer. Junior's had another six hundred sixty days to grow his hair out, it's almost to his butt.

She had a stroke. With all that radiation and poking about in her brain, it's no wonder. She was weak, yet determined. She and Junior would assemble wooden puzzles at the dinner table. I could never be sure who I was more proud of, her for telling her brain to make her hand grasp that small knob and place it in the right hole or Junior, for not being afraid of how she looked and still playing with her.

He has the puzzles. He's pretty good at putting them together now. It sucks to know he won't remember how he came to own them and who he played with them first.

660.

Food jerk.

2009-09-25T22:49:00.000-04:00

The husband and I were food jerks today.

The Big. Game. is tonight. High school - RIVAL - football. Both boys went to the game. They'll hang out with their women, eat stale boxed popcorn and stadium hot dogs. These delicacies will be washed down with watered-down fountain sodas in plastic green cups. GO TROJANS!! (the football team, not the prophylactic)

While the husband and I were executing the weekly Tactical Grocery Discount Extravaganza Tour through town, we realized it would be just he and I for dinner and decided to treat ourselves to steak. Bossman gave me a couple of pounds of shrimp and we still had some left to cook after eating a mess of boiled shrimp last night.

Yep, we went deliberately deviated from the Food Plan. I'm fairly OCD about the Food Plan. The Food Plan has an Excel file. The Food Plan is printed out, in grid form, and displayed on the Master Calendar on the fridge. You are responsible to check the calendar and the Food Plan for yourself. I study weekly ad papers from seven stores compiling a menu from sale items. The Food Plan is Serious Business.

With just the two of us eating (I don't care what you're eating, unless it's a hot dog or cake, Junior is not going to eat it) steak and shrimp was just too good not to pass up. We went for it. We agreed to be a food jerks.

We did get a little food jerk karma thrown back in our gullets. After I got the shrimp peeled and swimming in the garlic and Teriyaki sauce the skies got dark. Very dark. And the rain came down. Not good for grilling steaks and shrimps. We opted to have George Foreman cook our dinner for us. While George cooks mean burgers and dogs, he's not really our preferred Go To Guy for steak cookin'. In the end he did alright but we did miss the fire taste.

We finished off dinner with a batch of scratched-out-of-the-box brownies. Mmmmmmm! I'm ok with being a food jerk.

Business Email 101

2009-09-16T10:58:00.000-04:00

Dear Bossman,

This gold floor lamp you have at the office, are you interested in having it back at your home?

I was running the vac and when I picked up the lamp to clean under it, the bottom of the lamp kind of fell out/off. The base is filled with concrete. Which is now grinding up and falling out all over the freaking place. I have not yet yelled like a gorilla and swung the lamp over my head, but I do feel close to that point.

I never use the lamp. Do you want it back or can I escort it to the trash can?

Frustratingly,

Hipping and Hopping

2009-09-15T14:59:00.000-04:00

I really love Alicia Keys. I don't know what the hell Jay Z is chapping on about but after this performance at the VMA's I bought the single. (The live version is WAY better.)

I'm addicted to other things too

2009-09-02T13:50:00.000-04:00

Hi, my name is Jocelyn and I'm addicted to Office Depot.

I honestly think I was more excited about OD coming to town than Wal-mart. And this is The South, you know I be lovin' me some Wal-Mart, it's a law I do believe. You can't spend time in Wal-Mart without it being considered as shopping or slacking off. You can kill 2 hours in Office Depot, call it "research" and still get paid for it.

I was comparison shopping our printer replacement.

I am seeking the best price for #10 envelopes.

My head is actually bigger than that fax machine, how DO they do that?

I squeed with delight when the home office approved me obtaining an OD charge card. That $250 spending limit made my head explode with power! Then the mailings began. The Big Book of Office Supplies. Special! Sale! Catalog. FREE GIFT with your order!! Coupons!!! Precious, precious coupons. Oh yeah baby, you know how momma likes it twenty per cent off. MMMMmmmm hmmmm!! (Is it just me or did it get really hot in here?)

I had to buy something on the expensive side, potentially blowing my $250 limit through it's cheap little heart. It was a mandatory purchase for the bossman and he and his credit card was out of town. I knew I couldn't put it on my card without being rejected at the cash register. But I told the lady who pays the bill and like the mackin' pimp she is, she DOUBLED that credit limit with one sweet phone call. OH. HELLS. YEAH!!

The coupons came more frequently. Spend $50, take $10 off! And like the pure evil of the big bad Pusher Man, they began to come in pairs, "And here's an extra one for your cute, thrifty friend." As my eyes glazed over with red and white OD's, I was calling friends from nearby offices to make an Office Depot run with me. "I'VE GOT COUPONS!! I'LL BE THERE TO PICK YOU UP IN 5 MINUTES!!!"

I started rooting for Carl Edwards because OD was his sponsor.

You can even order online. ON. LINE. I can sit at my desk, surfing Office Depot deals like I'm screening free porn. I can scratch my butt while perusing inks and toners. The store staff does not appreciate you scratching your butt in the middle of isle 12. Not even if you're getting paid to do it. Joy killers.

Today's trip necessitated out of being SHUNNED out of the free gift while trying to place my order online. It was a sweet little insulated backpack with matching fleece blanket. Perfect for all of that hiking and picnicking I do. *snark* I planned out my order, reaching the purchase requirement and was crushed when the backpack was sold out. CRUSHED!!

Realizing my defeat, I backed my order down to what I truly needed and took the "stock up" stuff out of my online cart. When I tried to check out, OD wanted $10 in shipping fees! Hello, I have a coupon and I'm not going to WASTE it in shipping!! (Like a smart pusher, the $100+ order is shipped free, next day. Anything less expensive and you pay for it.) Naturally, I deleted everything in the cart and decided to drive to the store.

See, besides the benefit of "time suck"...going to Office Depot fills other desires. There's this guy that works there....hubba hubba!! I noticed him years ago on a Wal-Mart trip (again with the WM, I'm such a rule follower!!) with his wife and kid. He's very similar looking to my husband so yeah, this guy trips my trigger. I mourned this man's hair cut just as I did my husband's. (Why do the brown-skinned long-hairs always end up cutting off their hair?) He's been working at OD for a while now. Naturally, I look at him because why should men have all the ogle fun?

Today I didn't even think to look for him as I was still devastated by losing out on the backpack. Fortunately, as I was waiting in the checkout line he walked around the corner and said, "Did you find everything you needed today, ma'am?"

Oh yes, Mr. Sexy Man, I found everything I needed today. I have my envelopes, my adding machine tape, my free ruler and free cap erasers with $5 purchase. I just felt you up with my eyes and I have a $10 off coupon. I have everything I could need.

It's getting better

2009-09-01T11:16:00.000-04:00

I have a few nicks in my mouth from all the damned gum chewing gone amiss. I wanted a smoke SO BAD after dinner last night that I put my shoes on and just walked it off. I did three laps up and down our road.

I have to spend tomorrow with the bossman. He's pretty ai'ght for the most part, but if he thinks he's going to test me, I'll drop his wheel in the ditch. Then we'll compare notes on who is being the funniest. I'm pretty sure I'll win. Or need cab money.

I can feel my nerve endings regrowing.

I'm not in jail!

2009-08-31T09:41:00.000-04:00

No one in my family has been injured or maimed at my doing. I remain smoke free. My last smoke was Saturday evening around 11:10 pm.

I did have behavioral cravings (driving the car, taking a break during kitchen cleanup) and time CRAWLED Sunday but overall, I did very, very well. I did not stuff my face but I did do a lot of pacing, searching for something to do when I was restless.

Mya (the dog) is pretty disappointed with me. She kept looking at me as if to say, "Will you COME ON!! We need to go outside for a smoke! I gotta pee!!" Before I quit, If she saw me digging in my purse or touch a pack of smokes, she knew she was going outside. You could ask her, "You wanna go smoke?" and she'd "beat drums" on the floor until you got close enough to the door to open it. I did finally go outside with her around 6:30 to play Eat Traffic Cones.

Today, at the office, is going to be hard. It's almost 10:00 and usually, that's my first smoke break. 10, 12 and 3.

Random Acts of Useless Knowledge

2009-08-28T08:00:00.015-04:00

I enjoy playing this daily trivia game. It is fairly easy, there's always at least one answer I'll miss. I try to learn from my mistake while I cuss under my breath at the smarty-pants "instlouis" who usually wins every freakin' game.

I play as "hayjay" so if you do sign up to play, let me know your handle so we can compare scores. Because I am a Trifecta (an Ass, a Leo and Competitive), I will be all "I totally pwned your score today!" Further to my being at work when I play and in the Play Nice mode, I could be all "Wow, your brain is really big and awesome!" when you beat my score. And immediately begin cussing under my breath.

Note: the game is timed and it is considered into your score/daily ranking. I learned that the hard way and I NEVER take phone calls when I'm getting ready to play.

Four Zero

2009-08-27T09:35:00.000-04:00

Today is the day. I have two packs of smokes left. 40 sticks. And I'm done. Done smoking.

I never filled my Chantix prescription...the one I got from my doctor LAST OCTOBER. I was pretty concerned about the "vivid dream" deal. I've been having some crazy dreams lately and I'm too paranoid to add anything else to what my brain is already doing.

Will and Power??? I'm seeking you!

Also, I may need bail money at some point over the next few weeks. Weaks?

I need some Depends

2009-08-19T13:39:00.002-04:00

I got my 500 DOLLA from here. Now GO! Get you some too!! And DO try taking the Crystal Light challenge. I spent $8 last week and I'm back on a good Drink Your Damned Water Routine. My fingers don't have that puffy/bloaty feeling and I lost 3 lbs last week. Oh yeah...and I WON 500 DOLLA!!!

And read Lindsay's regular blog too. She's funny, smart and honest and no, I'm not kissing her ass. That hard. Also, she looks like the brunette version of my favorite blonde (in more ways than one) New Jersey girlfriend, Ycart.

I have good news and bad news

2009-08-17T15:05:00.003-04:00

THE GOOD

After sinking HUNDREDS of dollars into the Borrowed One's mouth over the last year, he had his last procedure done today. I don't care what the dentist is doing in his mouth, it always costs us at least $100 before insurance. I think he's been about 8 times in the last year. I was beginning to wonder if he was part shark with so many teeth to fix. I was dreading today's visit because that $100 was going to go on the credit card because we have no money. Thanks Economy!! When I went to pick him up and pay after today's appointment, I had a CREDIT BALANCE and owed NOTHING on today's visit. HOORAY!!!

THE BAD

I did not pee before I left to go get him. I ran him all the way to the other side of town trying not to pee my pants. I blazed up the steps to the office and went straight to the bathroom. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My hair is pulled back today - except for that one belligerent curl that refuses to lay back and STANDS UP - and I'm wearing my favorite pair of Dollar General $3 sunglasses. This combination makes me look like a Sleestack.

Proving that everything has a sunny side....the sleestack action on my face surely keeps the focus off of my round backside.

I named a chicken!!!

2009-08-11T11:36:00.004-04:00

Sung to this tune:

I am currently prancing around my office singing:

Named a chicken

OH OH OH Named a chicken!!

Penny, I am so glad to have helped you! And I'm even MORE glad that helping you didn't involve chicken poop!! I am just FULL OF WIN today!! Ya'll be sure to visit Penny and Bernie!! I have tons more fun playing at their Farmtown than the one on Facebook.

Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed fowl guests, I present you Earlene of Dork:

Trust me, with that name AND those breasts.....her milkshakes bring ALL the boys to the yard.

Totally Awkward Tuesday

2009-08-04T09:30:00.003-04:00

I've been reading this for a while and today, I think I'm not too lazy today to play along.

I moved from Oklahoma to North Carolina in the spring of 7th grade, I believe it was 1984 and I was about 12 1/2 years old.

I had to leave my 'hood in Tulsa and all of its benefits: school that I could walk (or bike) to, skating rink, community pool, friends. My hood was my world! I seriously did not need to go anywhere out of my 'hood. It was all any my fingertips as long as my fingertips were grasping my handle bars. (Just so I don't lose any cool points, my bike was actually blue - to match my overalls.)

But North Carolina has the beach, a fresh - new start, my Memaw and Lee Anne. I was happy to be so close to Lee Anne, my Auntie Hero!!

I remember going to Lee Anne's room when we got to Memaw's house. Her room was an addition to a very old family house and it was in the back. You had to walk thru Memaw and Papa's room to get there. It was very "Hi Papa!!" and giggle/scurry to the back where the cool party was at.

Lee gave me a pack of multi-tip fruity scented pencils, a stack of her hand-me-down clothes and let me listen to her funky blue radio. Out of the clothes she gave me, I picked out my outfit to wear for my first day of school: a beige button up shirt with beige shorts and beige knee socks. Why on earth did this strike me as a dress to impress outfit? Sheesh! I must have looked like a Marlin Perkins groupie!!

I remember being scolded for wearing shorts to school, about 1 minute after I arrived. Not that they were short shorts, they were longish, hemmed just above my knee. This is the South. The humid, sticky south and wearing shorts to school was a no-no. If I could have, I would have died on the spot right there. I'd already broken a cardinal rule at my new school. I would be reminded of this rule breaking with every new teacher I met that day.

By the time my fruity scented pencils and I made it to Science class that afternoon I was feeling a little overwhelmed, to say the least. My science teacher was a black lady, I think her name was Mrs. Morris. She was teaching us about mass, weight and gravity. For the life of me, I can not remember the exact question she asked but I did go something like this:

What is the term for measure of matter something has?

And I knew the answer, so I raised my hand.

Please Lord, please let something go right today.

I KNOW this answer, please make her pick me!

Of course she did not pick me. She picked some other guy to answer the question. I also can not remember the guys name who she picked but I do remember that he was not a small, skinny dude. He was rather large, not only tall but big-boned and um...big skinned over that. He was a BIG BOY.

Big Boy answers, "My ass."

OHMYGOD!! OHMYGOD!! OHMYGOD!! DID HE JUST SAY MY ASS??? I swear I almost fainted. I can't wear shorts to school but Big Boy can cuss in class. TO THE TEACHER!!! I was red in the face, I was embarrassed for Big Boy and for Mrs. Morris. My eyes got HUGE waiting to see what was going to happen next....

Mrs. Morris says, "That's correct Big Boy. Mass is the measure of matter that an object has."

Mass.

Not My Ass.

And so began my understanding of the Southern Drawl.

I just noticed.....

2009-07-30T10:28:00.002-04:00

I have not one, but two bottles of lotion on my desk and they sit next to my box of tissues. Good thing I'm not a dude but this display reminds me that I'm one crusty, runny chick.

It has a high SQUEE factor

2009-07-23T08:00:00.000-04:00

Even though my birthday is in August, I'm am completely willing to FAST FORWARD to September.

All I can think about from last season is seeing Jax sit at Clay's set at the table. This preview is well done! BRAVO!!

Possum Face

2009-07-22T13:53:00.006-04:00

I'm going to just bite one off this weekend and GO to the concert. I'll probably be dead by Sunday afternoon, but please Lord, don't take me until the race is over, OK?

So in my somewhat disgruntled state of Wednesday afternoon, I decided to poke around my statistics. I use Sitemeter becase I saw it on someone else's blog when I was just starting and of course I had to immediately copy them. I still don't know exactly what all the terms and big computer words mean but the referrals part is cracking me up and making me feel horrible all at the same time.

I have several hits from "casa de pepe" and when I tried that search myself, I think EVERYONE learned and remembered that sentence from high school. Good to know the cheese (even though it is old and moldy) does not stand alone.

Someone actually found me by searching for "boob shaper." I was 10 pages deep into that search and I gave up. That person was much more determined that I am. Kudos to you! Hope your boobs came out in a lovely shape.

"Jonesing" has turned up a couple of times. I didn't find me in that search but I do hope the jonser found help with his/her jonesing. Along that same string, "addicted to vodka" reared up and while I'm found as one of the first items, I'm surrounded by serious issue sites. That's sad. I hope you at least smiled while you were here and did eventually find what you were looking for. (Or if it was Ryan Murphy - dude, you SO OWE ME some time of my life back. I'm still PISSED over the way Nip/Tuck is ending/did end.)

I'm getting some good action from my Facebook page and it looks like I'm getting emailed about. Thanks for spreading the love ya'll.

My absolute favorite of all time referral is: frizzy haired possum. I keep picturing my hair on a possum's face or me with a possum 'do (sounds very much like a DON'T). I don't know if I should laugh or cry...myself to sleep with fear.

Dang, now when I hear this, I'm going to be singing, "Can't read my, can't read my, no he can't read my POSSUM FACE!!" And if my EVIL PLAN works, you'll be singing it too!!

To Rock, Or Not To Rock....that is the question!!

2009-07-21T13:07:00.003-04:00

My boyfriend gave me tickets to see Kid Rock and Lenard Skynnard this Friday evening in Raleigh. Sure, I had to call him 800 times to be caller number 7 but it was so worth scoring FREE TICKETS!!

I was enjoying morning coffee this morning when I was reminded that I have this situation to deal with on Saturday.

Oh. Shit.

Do I want to play Etsy with my mother Friday morning, then drag Junior back to her house about 30 minutes after we get done to drive to my boyfriend's house to pick up our tickets, then travel another 2 hours to Raleigh to tailgate, attend the concert, drive back home, sleep for 10 minutes then try to be a productive event staff member? No, not really.

I really, REALLY want to see Kid Rock again. I've never seen Skynnard so that's kind of tugging at me as well. I DO want to raise hell without children on a Friday night. I DO want to be a functioning person on Saturday. Why do I smell cake and why do I know I'm not getting any?

I think I'm going to have to call my boyfriend and have him put the tickets back in the prize pool. I don't want the Husband to be all sad because we won't have Awesome Adult Adventure Time so I will bribe him with a trip to Outback. We'll still have to travel, but only about 20 miles AND I have a $50 gift card. It's kind of the same deal, just more local. If I sing really loudly during the car ride, it will be just like going to the concert, right?

This one time...at band camp

The last (and only) time I saw Kid Rock was about 7 years ago (damn! time flies!!) and it also fell on Motorcycle Event Day. But at least it was someone else's event so I didn't have to worry about working/helping out. I was dating a guy from out of town so we hit the event then traveled on down the road to the show.

As we made up time zooming down the interstate a car pulled along beside us and just kind of rode in the lane for a bit. I looked over and gave a polite wave and they busted out with the crazy. Waving frantically like they'd won the lotto, I looked again and they waved a mini bottle of Jim Beam at me so I stuck out my hand. Teddy scooted over to the inside of the lane, they passed me the bottle and I shot it right there on the spot. GOOD TIMES!!

Then after the concert was over, we returned to the bike and someone had stolen my helmet and my camera. BAD TIMES!!

The End.

Honest Scrap

2009-07-09T13:07:00.010-04:00

I haven't been writing lately because I'm having tons of lovely personal issues at the moment. These issues leave me with lots of uncontrollable rage that I keep gulped down into my stomach so I don't lash out. And we all know....YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT. So I've been staying away in order to not be so acrid here. (I just looked up acrid to be sure I was using it right. Oh yeah, I'm totally using it right. UGH!)

Then Penny, The Awesome chicken-loving-living-off-the-land-soap-making lady, honors me with an award.

I'm not truly certain that I deserve ANY award at all right now (except for Most Bitchy, Awesomest Pout or Miss Passive Aggressive USA). And this award looks more like WORK than honor. But it is good work and I need GOOD work right now. Thank you Penny for the kick in the ass I needed. (Also, I swiped that pic from your link. I'm glad you had it there!)

The rules are:

“The Honest Scrap” award is not one to hold all to your self but it must be shared!
First, the recipient has to tell 10 true things about themselves in their blog that no one else knows.
Second, the recipient has to pass along this prestigious award to 10 more bloggers.
Third, those 10 bloggers all have to be notified they have been given with this award.
Those 10 bloggers that receive this award should link back to the blog that awarded them “The Honest Scrap’ award.

I will begin by immediately breaking the rules. That's just how I roll. After telling my Mom about this here blog (and she told her mom and ...) there's no way in HELL I'm posting any secrets here but I will follow Penny's example and share things the 7 of you who subscribe to my feed, a few things you probably did not know about me. (Seven. SCORE!! LOL)

1. If I had enough balls, time and money, I'd open a motorcycle commune. Just like in the hippie days but with scooters. Everyone would have a job suited to their skills: wrenching, body work, cooking, entertainment, etc. We would be legislatively active and promote motorcycle safety and rider education. And we'd live happily ever after.

2. I HATE SEWING!!! My mom made a ton of my clothes when I was growing up. She's really, really good at it. When I was older, mom would lay out the pattern on the material and make me cut. One time she had me cutting out patterns for a bunch of shorts and bowling shirts (which I lived in for a LONG time) and as I was cutting out one piece, I carelessly cut THRU the already cut piece laying under it. Mom just sewed across the cut and it was barely noticeable. It frustrated the hell out of me so I pretty much gave up ever learning after that. If I have any "sewing" needs now, I get out the stapler or tape. If that won't work I throw it out. Or beg my husband to fix it, because he's handy like that. Fun trivia: One of those pair of shorts was denim. They were sewn in my Sophomore year of high school. They finally blew out in 2007. It was a very sad day.

3. My MP3 player cracks me up. I love music, mostly all kinds. My favorites are of the Classic Rock (a.k.a. Your Parent's Music), disco (shut up, you like to dance too!), I Hate Everything Metal (stress relief!), rap, pop and a tad bit of country. Nothing makes me laugh harder to jam out to some Rob Zombie and have it backed up by Junior Brown. I am still pissed about not being able to find my Andrews Sisters CD after the last Sweetheart Dinner (2006?). And yes, I know EVERY SINGLE WORD on that CD and regularly sang as loud and off key as possible.

4. My dream job is working for a NASCAR team. I don't care what I'd have to do as long as I got to travel to all the races. Fun trivia: I am taller than Jack Rousch, even when he's wearing his hat. I know this because Elder Spawn and I walked beside him down Pit Road at Rockingham.

5. My ideal job is working in a bakery/restaurant/caterer. I've really discovered a love for making food lately. My small galley kitchen and sad wallet doesn't allow for too much exciting or interesting projects but damn if I don't have the basics licked. Mmmm, licking baaaaaaaaked gooooooods. I got an ice cream maker a few weeks ago. I'm still amazed at how EASY that was and wow, the recipes are ENDLESS!! Now if I can just remember to buy freakin' ICE. The KASM is getting lots of use and have discovered pound cake could be my enemy. Or at least my ass and thigh area's enemy. I still haven't made any fancy breads but I've thought about it a lot. The standard box bread mix is kind of too tasty to move on from there. My new wok is seriously woking my world right now.{insert rim shot here} I don't think I used the stove for the first two months I had it. I even made the wok cry by making SAUSAGE GRAVY in it. Deep South, meet Asia. And you KNOW Deep South was looking for Happy Ending.

6. I took two years of Spanish in high school, averaged a 90 something both years. Can't speak a sentence of it today except for "Donde esta casa de Pepe?" Not that I know a dude named Pepe or need to know where his house is.

I do remember Mrs. Turner giving us all Spanish names. I got Josephina. My mom - some 20 years later - still thinks it's hilarious to call me Josephina Augustina, and I do too. Rhyming is FUN! Naturally, we learned that George is Jorge. That has always, ALWAYS stuck with me. And it made me make an ass out of myself a few weeks ago. Check the comments - I totally called "Hurley" GEORGE instead of Jorge. DUDE, I am so terribly sorry. I realized it a few hours later and was to embarrassed to do anything about it. I'm an ass. An ass who can't speak Spanish. Jorge has an AWESOME blog and if you're not already reading it, add it to your feed reader now. Jorge seems super down to earth and like he'd be someone you'd love to hang out with.

7. I am a people watcher and jumping into the world of reading blogs has me feeling like I'm hooked on crack. I read everything from gossip, newspapers, storm chasers, photographers, mommies, cute things, dumb things, tech things, world travels, politics, medical professionals, etc. I've learned that folks pretty much have the same issues/ideas all around the world but they have better cameras and photography skills than I do. I check my reader BEFORE I make coffee in the mornings to see who's talking then come back with my java for some great reading! AND LEARNING!!

8. I'm jonesing for a kick ass camera. I studied and researched the camera we purchased when I was knocked up with Junior. And I've discovered I bought that camera ONLY for that need (endless amounts of family photos). I like taking photos of my flowers and bugs and lizards (OH MY!) and I have a hard time taking good photos of small things. Also, when those White Ibis come to visit the pond, I can't zoom in close enough to them to get a photo of anything other than a tree with white blobs in it. This photo took me about 30 tries to get the prayer in focus and it's still not a very good shot of him:

I want one of those cameras that would show the details of his hands and the ogliness of his eyes. I'm feeling very Veruca Salt about it but we don't have a checkbook like her daddy did.

9. I'm hating my husband these days, for more than one reason. I've been playing Pyramid on my Palm Z22 for about - ever - and I've never won a game. I thought I'd be nice and SHARE and asked him if he'd like to try. He said yes and I passed it to him. You know what? That bass turd WON the FIRST game he played!!! Turns out you can clear cards in MULTIPLE ways instead of just one from the pile and one on the board (so much for me reading and following directions). He was very gloaty about it and naturally, I was very pissy. It took me another TWO DAYS to win a game for myself. Also, he's hogs the house computer all the time. He's usually playing some nerd-ass Dungeons & Dragons type of games but now, NOW he's joined Facebook. I NEVER get any computer time (at a decent hour anyway) now unless I beat up a four year old for his computer time. The good part about his Facebooking is I can continue to beat him like a red-headed stepchild at Text Twist, only now I get to post a YOU LOSE SUCKA toilet bowl on his page. It's awesome!

10. I love my husband more than anything in this world. I always have, from the moment I laid my lusty eyes on him in 1990. We weren't married until some 14 years later but I have always carried him in my heart. We had an awesome friendship in those 14 years and I'm glad we found the "right time" together. He's a great dad and a good worker. He's NEVER "laid out" of work and only been out of work when we went on vacation one time (long time ago!), when Junebug was born and when his mother had a stroke. Honey, you're awesome! And I don't really care about you hogging the computer. Much.

I'm passing on this lovely award (a.k.a. punishment) to:

As hard as it was to decide on 10 great blogs, I'm also going to include an 11th one, maybe Jorge will have time to see my apology!

Dispatches from the Island

So good luck with your assignment folks. Thank you again to Penny. It was nice to spend time on ME and something FUN!

GASP!!

2009-06-19T09:28:00.003-04:00

I am very disappointed.

Let me start by saying I have been to Close Encounters on a few occasions. Before we bought our house and became river yankees, we lived about 5 miles away from CE - a straight shot down the highway. One of the most successful bike shows we ever had (this year will make 16th annual) was in their parking lot. They have the sweetest piece of asphalt in the entire county.

The owner built the establishment from the ground up, fighting many county officials (he was totally in the right, mindful of all ordinances in place at the time). It's not a bad place. Their poles are weird though. The ceilings are HIGH so the poles are mounted to the stage and it is kind of weird to watch it sway as it is being performed upon. I wonder if that affects their workman's comp rates? Also, there's a big fuzzy pink pump chair thing too. Weird. I have spent/wasted a lot of time thinking about how I could make that club better. But I've always been too chicken shit to go for it. I am ruled by a steady paycheck.

I've ended up there after a few parties because it's fun. And some of these girls are mama's trying to put food on the table. I'm smart enough to know that some of these ladies are not. The last time I went I swore I would go back with no money but a basket of sammiches because, DAMN GIRL!! Don't forget to EAT! Some of them are so skinny I bet a lap dance would feel like a stabbing.

I've only had one experience with Playmates. Playmates is a fantasy club. Let's back up a minute...back story is crucial on this one. The building used to be a crematorium (you kill em, we grill em). When the crematorium went out of business the building sat empty for a while and we spent a good amount of time watching someone work on it. Then the sign went up. And wow, did we ever get a good laugh at that one.

At the time I was dating a guy who lived out of town. He came down one weekend, we went and picked up my good girlfriend and went out for dinner and drinks. We stopped at Close Encounters for a bit and decided to head home. Playmates is conveniently located about two miles down the highway. I don't remember who suggested it but a u-turn was executed and we pulled into the parking lot at Playmates. There was some "OK, OK, be calm and act right" discussion and we went in the door. (One dude with two chicks walks into a fantasy factory...)

The foyer looked like a doctor's office complete with sliding glass window. No one was at the window so we had plenty of time to wait and read all the interesting signs posted. Their county license was displayed as well as some paperwork from the heath department. Health. Department. No, it wasn't a left over notice for the crematorium. It was a list of health rules the staff must abide by. You would be pleased to know that our county health department says your fantasy can include the staff being completely naked...except shoes must be worn at all times. Thanks for keeping me safe, clean and healthy local government. I'd be really concerned if they weren't wearing shoes.

Someone finally showed up at the window and we were advised our fantasy could be obtained for 15 minutes and $40. We were still reeling over the shoe issue and decided to leave. The trip was still entertaining even though we didn't get any fantasy action.

The Smile Spa was lovingly and carefully risen from the crumbly dusty frame of a FISH HOUSE out in the country. You wouldn't believe how much money I spent on shrimp, oysters and fish in that building. When I noticed the run-down, closed fish shack getting some TLC and a nice face lift I'd wondered how any fisherman could have spent that kind of money in these harder fishing times. Then the sign was put up and I knew I wouldn't be giving up any kind of clam monies in there. I love driving by it though, I always look at the husband and say, "You want happy ending?" in my best Asian massage spa lady voice.

I didn't even know Calabash was getting any action these days. I don't go to the Seafood Capital of the Word too often because tourists make me rage. I'll keep my eyes open though the next time I go. At least now I know I can get a massage after Johnny New Jersey drives SLOW in front of me with his left blinker on, only to slam on the brakes and instead turn right to buy $1.99 Myrtle Beach tshirts at the Waves.

Mary, Mary, quite contrary...

2009-06-17T22:08:00.003-04:00

....what the hell is going on in your garden????

I had two of these freaky twin-squash come off the bush this week. Don't they look like baby snowmans?
Delicious, lip-smacking fried Baby Frostys. MMMMMMMMMMMMM

BEST. DOG TOY. EVAR!!

2009-06-06T08:00:00.001-04:00

The Husband rescues traffic cones from the trash, hilarity ensues.

I lead a dreadless life

2009-06-05T08:00:00.002-04:00

In a GNR fashion, I keep singing "I lead a dre-eya-eya-ya-ah-ed-less life" in my head.

Elder Spawn decided enough was enough and cut his hair.

I delivered that sack-o-dreads to his Nana today. I'm not sure if "birds will use it to make nests" or "maybe it will keep the deer out of my garden" is just crazy old lady talk (Hi Mom, love you!) or if it will really work. I'm just glad these things are gone away from my son's head and my house. They were getting kind of gnarly.

I do admit I will miss them a tiny bit. They waved around in a really cool pattern when he would wreck the skateboard. And I was REALLY looking forward to sending him to his Senior prom in a tuxedo...as long as he posed for photos wearing a Predator mask.

Horticulture 101

2009-06-04T20:23:00.003-04:00

The package was labeled zucchini, but......I'm not so sure what exactly I've got growing in the garden.

I kinda feel like I should be wearing laytex gloves when I'm in the garden now.

I didn't know it was contagious....

2009-06-02T10:15:00.004-04:00

Small ears hear well and they repeat things you don't want them to say.

Recent words we're guilty of at home: stupid, whatever, shut up. Please note these are most often spouted from angsty teenagers but I admit I'm guilty of WHATEVER!! a lot of the time.

Junior gets tickled when we say one of these words now. He'll climb atop his little soapbox and say, "Don't say that word, Mom. I don't like that word. It hurts my ears when you say it."

Inside my head, I am screaming back to him, "THEN DON'T MAKE ME SO CRAZY!!"

But usually I just say sorry and that I'll try to do better. Hrumph!! Dang his almost 4 year old selective memory!!

Yesterday when we picked up Junior from Nana's he was saying DUH! a lot. He said it about 4 times before we left, then once more in the car. I told him that was not a word he needed to be using. While I was strapping him into the car seat he said it again and while I raised my hand to pop his lips, he covered them up and said, "Sorry!"

And I'm mumble to myself, "I know where you got that word. Nana says it all the time."

Of course little ears heard me and said:

Yeah, Nana gave me the Duhs!

Well boy, that's OK, just as long as she doesn't give you a case of the Duh-huhs. (Yeah, I looked for John Boy & Billy's Hoyt and Delbert to insert here but they're stingy and I'm not paying for that! Just tell Goober I said Hello. Hellos are still free, right?)

How'd they figure out that one?

2009-05-28T09:44:00.003-04:00

I live in/near/about a beach community. Our county has three beaches and our town/area is the middle point between Wilmington and Myrtle Beach. We're a popular destination.

I've always believed there's a magic portal in Ohio that opens up to MB on the other side. We see more Ohio plates than any other state (PA is a close second). And seriously....yall need to learn how to drive!! And tip properly.

I would pay a fee to have a LOCAL card to flash at the stores I shop at. LOCAL check-out lane only!! I'm tired of waiting behind four women with three carts PACKED FULL in the Walmart. Damn, you guys are here for a WEEK, aka SEVEN DAYS, do you really need all that crap? I catch myself reaching for one of those cheesy astrology scrolls to stab you with when it comes time to pay and you're trying to break down who pays what.

Almost all the locals have bumper stickers that read:

IF IT'S CALLED TOURIST SEASON, WHY CAN'T WE SHOOT 'EM?

So I'm thinking about moving to Poland. Apparently they DO have a tourist season and not only do they SHOOT them, THEY CAN THEM!!

see more Engrish

Is it September YET?

2009-05-27T10:13:00.003-04:00

I about peed my pants when we spied a spot announcing the show's return a few weeks ago. Now that most of my tv shows are over I just dwell on WHEN I'll be getting to oggle Jax again. Le sigh.

Its What's for Dinner

2009-05-26T16:23:00.002-04:00

see more Engrish

I don't suppose the hand-shredded ass meat comes with a side of Sam Elliott?

Potential

2009-05-23T11:04:00.003-04:00

These have it:

Easter Lilly...late much?

Still don't know what these are but they took THREE seasons to bloom.

Cannas....always at the ready.

Tinsley Mae

8 lbs 2 oz

Brunswick County Niece

Already a squealer

I learned it by watching YOU!!

2009-05-20T16:56:00.004-04:00

From: Dad

To: Jocelyn

Sent: Wednesday, May 20, 2009 9:13:23 AM

Subject: Cat

The other morning I was conferring with a Professional Cat Rassler. He was telling me his cat died because he didn’t have any lemon juice. In order to keep my cat from suffering the same demise, I was wondering if you knew of any ideas to get lemon juice in my cat. Any and all ideas will be considered. Thanks.

________________________________________

From: Jocelyn

To: Dad

Sent: Wednesday, May 20, 2009 9:38:23 AM

Subject: Re: Cat

Professional Cat Rassler? Please tell me he had an eye patch and a hook hand? A professional would have some sort of battle scar(s), right?

What the heck are you supposed to do with the lemon? TO THE CAT???!! And live??

The only thing I've seen is that cats HATE citrus so you can leave orange/lemon/lime peels in the garden to keep em out. (We use this for the a$$hole cat across the street who LOVES to lay in the neighbors' gardens.) And make a spray for stuff you don't want the cat to shred up. Or you can make home made lemon spray to kill fleas on the cat.

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/2758/lessons_you_can_teach_your_cat.html

http://www.ehow.com/how_4796738_flea-medicine-cats.html

If you are going to try to get the lemon into the cat I would suggest investing/building a miniaturizer to make the lemon much smaller and make it taste like his food. Also, I would shrink Tahlee's claws or buy some of those falconer gloves. Maybe a whole body suit??

Is he eating MORE plants? I found this link to make a spray to put on plants so the cat won't keep trying to eat them.

http://www.myhealthycat.com/plants-poisonous-to-cats.html

Dammit, I'm supposed to be concentrating on work. Now all I can think about is CATS AND LEMONS!!

(Junior finally told Husband TO HIS FACE that he wanted a cat. Maybe Husband will cave and Junior will stop trying to take Tahlee from you.)

________________________________________

From: Jocelyn

Sent: Wednesday, May 20, 2009 12:27 PM

To: Dad

Subject: Fw: Cat

Ok, I'm still waiting to hear back from you. It's been 3 hours and I really need to know how and why you need to combine cats and lemons.

________________________________________

From: Dad

To: Jocelyn

Sent: Wednesday, May 20, 2009 1:27:10 PM

Subject: RE: Cat

Your youngest spawn was telling me about his cat. He died because he was lacking the Sacred Lemon Juice. Ask him when you see him this afternoon. He will give all the needed information.

________________________________________

From: Jocelyn

To: Dad

Sent: Wednesday, May 20, 2009 1:51:15 PM

Subject: Re: Cat

Oh crap!! It's times like these I am SO GLAD I'm in this rat hole office BY MYSELF. I have laughed until I cried over this one. I also had to take a call from one of my bosses in the middle of my laugh/cry fest without sounding crazier than he thinks I already am. Fun times!!

I was really concerned for Tahlee. I know he's been gnawing on the spider plant and was wondering if he had been sampling the rest of the "salad buffet." And wondering how in the world you'd crossed paths with a "Professional Cat Rassler" in the first place. It's not like the use a lot of cranes in their training, ya know?

Junior is on the lemon juice kick because he's been watching me squeeze lemon into my water glass. He will certainly need an eye patch and a hook hand if he tries to feed lemons to Tahlee!! And yes, I would totally watch that show(down)!!

My Friend, Sandy

2009-05-20T08:00:00.001-04:00

Yesterday you met my friend, Sandy. My dead friend. She still makes me cry a lot.

About 10 days before my friend died I had returned from vacation and announced I was getting a puppy. A puppy that came complete with a HUSBAND. Upon hearing this news, Sandy said, "I don't care what you think you got over on your mother, but WE will approve of this man when we meet him." This kind of pissed me off at the time, but she was right. I had brought every man I'd dated since the ex to CBA to pass the sniff test.

My husband never got to meet Sandy. He didn't get to NC until a week after we'd put her in the ground.

The Saturday Sandy was killed was a busy day. Her son had just returned from deployment overseas. Sandy was riding her motorcycle and Mr. Lee was following behind her in the truck. They were going to meet their son and his family for breakfast and then everyone was headed to a poker run. We were trying to raise funds for a friend's back surgery.

As soon as I had arrived at the poker run's home base, we'd received a call about Sandy's crash. A few went to the hospital to be with Mr. Lee and the family, the rest of us stayed and worked the event. We were notified a few hours later that she'd passed away.

It was a crushing day, to say the least.

And I was devastated because I felt like Sandy and I had unfinished business. I needed her approval on my pending nuptials.

Sandy's crash was less than a mile from her home. The car caught her with the front wheel and basically, her guts all mashed up and she died as a result of those crushing injuries. Sandy was wearing her helmet, and that fuchsia lipstick she always wore. Her hair was pretty much "in place" and her lipstick was not even smudged. And please remember, Mr. Lee witnessed every moment of this from the pickup he was driving right behind her.

Sandy is buried in the cemetery right across the street from the home she shared with Mr. Lee for a whole lot of years. He still lives there. He sees their double gravestone Every. Single. Day.

We visit her on the anniversary of her death every year. We take a small memorial ride and treat Mr. Lee to lunch. I finally took Junior to meet her this year.

That first year was HARD. Sandy was a very active chapter member. It was very obvious that her infectious joy was not around. We named a chapter service award after her and it is given annually in the spirit to the honoree in which it was named.

I thought about Sandy and our unfinished business A LOT. I would dream about her often. My first spring at the new office we'd moved our company into, there was an empty flower pot on the front porch. These were the days before I was CONSUMED by gardening so I wasn't really interested in that pot other than to prop the door open.

Something magical happened.

Out of no where and absolutely NO CARE, petunias started growing in that pot. The first bloom revealed their color. And it perfectly matched Sandy's signature fuchsia lipstick. Those flowers made me cry, cry, CRY just as much as they made me happy.

And I sat on the porch a lot more often. Just to stare at Sandy's petunias. And be comforted.

My boyfriend has a 9:00 haircuts deal where they play 80's metal/hair band songs. Our chapter meetings usually dismiss around 9:00 and I often catch this song playing and it makes me cry my eyes out:

Sandy IS an angel and flowers truly DO bloom in her name.

Because a left turn killed her.

An Open Letter From a Dead Motorcyclist

2009-05-19T11:23:00.000-04:00

My name is Sandra Lee and I was killed on August 23, 2003 by a right of way violator. It is hard for me to be patient with people who say “it was just an accident.” There was my death to consider and it matters. Whatever happened has consequences and they are irrevocable and irreversible. Since I am the one that died, I think the truth is owed. I know you didn’t mean to kill me but you did. The truth is that you didn’t take the five seconds to look twice before you turned. You could have saved my life!

The truth is that you weren’t paying attention. You just didn’t see me. One very real truth is that over two-thirds of motorcyclist’s deaths are caused by drivers, not motorcyclists. When one person dies it is a tragedy but when over 2,000 people die nationwide, it becomes a statistic. The unfortunate truth is that a lane change, casual red light run, untimely cell phone call or a driver’s inattentive left turn can, and in my case did, result in death.

The truth is that the motorcycling community makes efforts to educate the driving public about the presence of motorcycles on the road. We are putting up billboards and trying to gain attention in the media. We are lobbying state governments for increases in right of way violation penalties. The saddest truth of all is that our message continues to go unheeded by the general public. There is an attitude of indifference against motorcyclists. My life was reduced to a ticket for a right of way violation. Just maybe, the person who killed me will get charged with misdemeanor death by vehicle. Probably though, the insurance company and the lawyers will get the charge reduced to a right of way violation ticket. To them, the value of my life will be reduced to a $25.00 fine.

The truth is that “misdemeanor” and “death” should never be used in the same sentence. The truth about that violation is that my life was forfeited. I can no longer be a wife, a mother or a grandmother. Because you see… sometimes when you kill a motorcyclist… you also kill a family. My husband understands that you didn’t mean to kill me, but you did.

The truth is that cars are smoother and more comfortable to drive. It is easy to forget that you are moving two tons of steel and plastic down the road. Inside that car of yours, you had air bags, seat belts and anti-lock brakes to keep you safe. I guess a collision with a six hundred pound motorcycle just wasn’t very threatening to you. Now you understand or at least I hope you understand that one more look… just five more seconds… could have saved my life.

The truth is there is an attitude of indifference by our legislators and our judicial system regarding matters of right of way violation. Perhaps they don’t understand just how vulnerable I was. Perhaps no one believes that motorcycles have as much right to be on the road as other modes of transportation. It is time for legislators, prosecutors and judges to understand when dealing with motorists who cause motorcycle crashes that most of these “accidents” are preventable. I am dead or I would tell you these things myself.

The truth is that it is ironic that I would be killed by a right of way violator. I spent the last year of my life lobbying for increased penalties for right of way violators in Raleigh. The truth is that the legislators were more concerned with the legal and insurance ramifications of increased penalties.

The truth is that throughout the ages, every minority on earth has had to fight for equality and it seems that now is the time for the 100,000 plus motorcyclists in North Carolina to stand up and demand that they have the same rights as everyone else on the road.

I hope the final truth is that, from this day forward, you will tell everyone you know that if only you would have looked twice, if only you would have taken five more seconds, you could have saved my life. Spread the word… motorcycles are everywhere.

NOTE: To continue Sandy’s work in Raleigh and ensure that, in the future, penalties exist and will be enforced for right of way violators, get involved and be part of the solution. Brunswick County CBA/ABATE of North Carolina meets on the first and third Tuesdays each month at 8:00 PM at their lodge which is located on 600 Ocean Isle Beach Rd (DAV Building), Ocean isle Beach, NC. Visit our website at www.brunswickcba.org for more information about how you can help. Our thanks are extended to Mrs. Lee’s family for allowing us to use their very painful loss to make a difference.

Of Mice and Elephants

2009-05-08T08:00:00.000-04:00

If you remember anything of my MC Awareness posts, please remember this quote:

“Look for the mouse, not the elephant,” she tells the students.

“Motorcycles are often hidden behind larger vehicles.”

My friend, Becky Mooney, teaches the Motorcycle Safety Awareness Program in our county high school's driver education programs. She was recently included in this interview for our local paper.

http://www.brunswic kbeacon.com/ cgi-bin/c2. cgi?048+article+ News+20090505113 532048049020

The Brunswick Beacon

By Kathryn Jacewicz

SHALLOTTE—It takes more than knowing the signs and rules of the road before being eligible to apply for a state permit or driver’s license.

North Carolina students younger than 18 must complete drivers’ education before applying for a permit and license. Students must partake in a 30-hour classroom training, where they learn all the pertinent information for the actual test—traffic signs, driving skills and knowledge—as well information about car maintenance and control. Six of the 30 hours must be focused on driving under the influence information.

Debra Hollis, of Brunswick Driving School, teaches a 10-day drivers’ education course at all three county high schools, and said while the course is intensive for the students, it takes a lot of volunteers and many volunteered hours to make it possible.

Hollis teaches the courses continually throughout the year, so many of her guest speakers come and present every two weeks, for an hour or two each time. Two of the regular speakers are Sgt. 1st Class Brian Hakey and Staff Sgt. Jason Russell, from the Army base at Sunny Point.

Hakey has been a train engineer in the Army for more than 20 years, and said he volunteers his time to teach students about driving safety and trains due to what he’s seen while on the railroads.

The two are part of Operation Lifesaver, a train safety program that teaches the importance of being alert and aware in the presence of trains.

Hakey shared a story with the students about a truck that tried to cross the track when his train was coming. His train hit the truck, and killed three little girls inside it. During another trip, two girls were walking along the tracks with their backs turned to the train, both listening to iPods. One heard the train and one did not. Both were struck and killed.

After applying the brake, “There’s nothing more I can do as an engineer,” he said.

Hakey told the students every 90 minutes across the country, there’s a train accident. And most often, those accidents occur within 25 minutes of the victim’s home.

If a train sees a vehicle in its path or sees someone in it’s way, it often takes too long to stop and an accident is unavoidable. A typical train, Hakey said, weighs about 12 million pounds, and when traveling at a speed of 55 mph, takes about a mile—18 football fields—to come to a complete stop.

“When I want to stop my train in downtown Southport, I begin to apply the brakes in Boiling Spring Lakes,” he said.

The impact of a train on a car is equivalent to a can running over a 12-ounce soda can.

“Most of the time, I don’t even feel it,” Hakey said of hitting a vehicle. “I don’t even feel a bump.”

Russell told the students most of the train accidents happen at railroad crossings that have flashing warning lights and safety gates. While many vehicles choose to go around the gates, Russell said this is not only dangerous but also illegal.

A driver caught going around gates can receive up to four tickets—one for disobeying warning lights, one for crossing on a legally closed road, one for being in the oncoming traffic lane while going around the gate and one for trespassing, as the rail is considered to be a private road.

People walking along railroad tracks at any time can expect to be ticketed if seen by a public official. The railroad is private property, owned by the railroad companies.

Tyler Benton, ninth-grader, said he knew most of the information presented by Hakey and Russell, but he didn’t realize trains moved so fast.

Kayla Taylor, ninth-grader, said she used to play on the railroad tracks when she lived in New York.

“Now I’m not,” she said, not realizing how powerful a train’s impact on a vehicle or human really is.

Hakey said train operators should expect to be involved in at least one accident or fatality in their careers, but after it happens, it can leave a lasting impression that’s hard to shake.

“I was out of work for a month after my first [fatality],” he said. “As a train engineer, you have to list with that emotionally. We don’t want to hurt another person.”

So Hakey and Russell volunteer their time to teach train safety to new drivers and also to local civic groups and organizations throughout the county.

“We will drive two hours in any direction and cater our presentation to any group,” he said. “We’re trying to take a proactive approach to see this doesn’t happen.”

Becky Mooney of the Brunswick County Concerned Bikers Association also visits the drivers’ education classes every two weeks to teach students the importance of safety while sharing the road with motorcyclists.

“We as bikers can feel a little safer out on the road knowing we’re promoting safety,” she said.

Mooney said she and her husband have both been in accidents and have had many friends die while riding. She said bikers are often not seen until it’s too late, and students are taught to look left, look right and look left again before making a turn. More often than not, motorcyclists are killed when a car makes a left-hand turn in front of one and doesn’t see it.

“Look for the mouse, not the elephant,” she tells the students. “Motorcycles are often hidden behind larger vehicles.”

SEE ME!!

2009-05-07T08:00:00.000-04:00

How close?

2009-05-06T08:00:00.000-04:00

Turn speakers up please. You need to pay attention to this one.

And remember it the next time you're making a left hand turn.

MC Awareness Tips

2009-05-05T10:30:00.003-04:00

For the motorist:

Share the road with motorcycles. While a motorcycle will only ride in 1/3 of the lane, he's entitled to the entire lane. NEVER try to share a lane with a motorcycle!
Anticipate motorcycles in traffic and include them in your search pattern. They're out there. They're smaller than a car so you must LOOK for them.
Understand the motorcyclists' intentions BEFORE proceeding into its path. We're not racing, take a moment to realize what's going on in traffic.
ALWAYS signal your intentions when driving. Note that magic stick on your steering column's left side. These lights indicate to surrounding vehicles what you're doing. These lights are to be turned on before your maneuver to SIGNAL your INTENT. When you slam on your brakes, then light the signal...you're doing it wrong.
Respect a motorcycle's additional stopping distance requirements, DON'T TAILGATE! A motorcycle only has two brakes compared to a car's four. Apply the 3 second rule when following.
Do not drink and drive.

For the motorcyclist:

Get trained and be properly licensed. School is not for sissies! There are beginner's riding courses and experienced riders courses. You'd be amazed at the bad habits you pick up over time. Get your learn on and keep your riding skills polished and ready at all times. Also, if you're riding around without an endorsement, when you are ticketed you're giving the entire motorcycling community a bad rap and contributing to bad stats. Be a part of the solution folks.
Use TCLOCS for your pre-ride inspection. (Tires and wheels, Controls, Lights and electrics, Oil and fluids, Chassis, Side stand) Remember, when your bike is not properly maintained, you're putting yourself AND those you're riding with in danger. Help a Brother out!
Use SEE to help reduce your risk in traffic. Search, Evaluate, Execute. Ride like you are invisible!
Remember that SPEED is for the RACE TRACK. (WARNING: This link is GRAPHIC.) I know those crotch rockets can go really fast, but I would rather you test those limits in a controlled area and LIVE than busy streets and highways and end up like that guy.
Know your limits, don't drink and ride. I know you're on a poker run on a hot day. Please enjoy an adult beverage (an as in one, then hang out for a bit to let metabolism work its magic) but don't get shit-faced. Your impaired riding can hurt you, your brothers and your family. Don't be an ass. I have a personal story on this one and will share it some time this month. Again, DON'T BE AN ASS!

Look Twice Much?

2009-05-02T08:00:00.002-04:00

Have you ever seen a bumper sticker or billboard that reads:

LOOK TWICE SAVE A LIFE

These are usually distributed and paid for by motorcyclists. We lose A LOT of good friends, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, sons and daughters to left turns gone wrong.

We recently discussed this man getting killed by a drunk driver turning left.
This lady died because she didn't have time to stop at the STOP sign and a dump truck ran her over.
This young lady has a long road of recovery in front of her because the semi she turned left in front of couldn't stop his 18 wheels in time.

Note these two women did not see a dump truck nor a semi. These vehicles are MUCH LARGER than motorcycles.

So yes, please DO remember to LOOK TWICE SAVE A LIFE. In all actuality, the life you save could be YOUR OWN!!

I know we lead very busy lives. Sometimes we get a little behind schedule and think we can make up for lost time on the road by speeding. Please don't let those 15 minutes you were late result in the death of my friends and family, or even yourself! You are driving a 2 ton weapon, be responsible.

May is Motorcycle Awareness Month

2009-05-01T08:47:00.002-04:00

(Dang it, I had a feeling that last post was not going to work out the way I wanted it to! I wanted to show you the signed copy since it has been enacted into law. Here's a copy of the bill's language so you can read it. We usually have to do this every single year but this time we got some "revolving" language so every May until the end of time will be MC Awareness Month in North Carolina. WOO HOO!!)

GENERAL ASSEMBLY OF NORTH CAROLINA

SESSION 2009

H 1

HOUSE BILL 696

Short Title: Motorcycle Awareness Month.		(Public)
Sponsors:	Representatives Burris‑Floyd, Folwell, Allred, Stevens (Primary Sponsors); Avila, Barnhart, Blackwell, Blackwood, Blue, Blust, Boles, Brubaker, Burr, Current, Daughtry, Dollar, Earle, Faison, Farmer‑Butterfield, Fisher, E. Floyd, Glazier, Goforth, Goodwin, Grady, Guice, Gulley, Hall, Harrison, Hilton, Howard, Hurley, Jackson, Johnson, Jones, Justus, Killian, Lucas, Mackey, McComas, McElraft, McLawhorn, Mills, Mobley, Moore, Neumann, Parmon, Randleman, Rhyne, Sager, Samuelson, Stam, Steen, Sutton, Tillis, Underhill, E. Warren, Weiss, Whilden, Wilkins, Williams, and Womble.
Referred to:	State Government/State Personnel.

March 23, 2009

A BILL TO BE ENTITLED

AN ACT ESTABLISHING MOTORCYCLE AWARENESS MONTH.

Whereas, motorcycle riding is a popular form of recreation and transportation for thousands of citizens across North Carolina and the United States; and

Whereas, North Carolina has over 132,000 registered motorcycles and over 260,000 licensed drivers who have either a motorcycle endorsement or a motorcycle learners permit; and

Whereas, it is important that the citizens of North Carolina be aware of motorcycles on the roadways and recognize the importance of motorcycle safety and of sharing the roadways; and

Whereas, the safe operation of a motorcycle is enhanced through a combination of rider training and experience, good judgment, and a knowledge of traffic laws and licensing requirements; and

Whereas, several organizations, such as the Concerned Bikers Association/ABATE of North Carolina, along with the North Carolina Motorcycle Safety Education Program, and other State and local motorcycle clubs and riding or social clubs, are committed to increasing the safe operation of motorcycles by promoting rider safety education programs; their goal is to alert the motorists of the Great State of North Carolina to a Safety Promotion known as "Look Twice, Save a Life, Motorcycles are Everywhere"; and

Whereas, Motorcycle Awareness Month is designed to increase public awareness about motorcycles and to encourage their safe and proper use among motorcycle riders; Now, therefore,

The General Assembly of North Carolina enacts:

SECTION 1. Chapter 103 of the General Statutes is amended by adding a new section to read:

"§ 103‑12. Motorcycle Awareness Month.

The month of May of each year is designated as Motorcycle Awareness Month in the State of North Carolina."

SECTION 2. This act is effective when it becomes law.

PROCLAIM IT!!

2009-05-01T08:00:00.000-04:00

pro·claim
Pronunciation:: \prō-ˈklām, prə-\
Function:: transitive verb
Etymology:: Middle English proclamen, from Anglo-French or Latin; Anglo-Frenchproclamer, from Latin proclamare, from pro- before + clamare to cry out — more atpro-, claim
Date:: 14th century

1 a: to declare publicly, typically insistently, proudly, or defiantly and in either speech or writing : announce b: to give outward indication of : show proclaimed his genteel upbringing>2: to declare or declare to be solemnly, officially, or formally <proclaim an amnesty><proclaim the country a republic>3: to praise or glorify openly or publicly : extol <proclaimed the rescue workers' efforts>

synonyms see declare

— pro·claim·er noun

The Magic Helmet

2009-04-28T14:00:00.002-04:00

http://www.starnewsonline.com/article/20090426/ARTICLES/904269964/1017/NEWS0102

One man was taken to the hospital and another to the police station Sunday night after a wreck, which police suspect was alcohol-related.

A man driving a motorcycle suffered life-threatening injuries when he collided with a Jeep SUV that turned in front of him on Market Street just before 8 p.m., said Lt. D.G. Lanier of the Wilmington Police Department.

The motorcyclist was headed east on Market Street near the intersection of Wilmington Ave., Lanier said, citing a preliminary investigation.

The SUV driver, a man, had been heading west on Market Street and was turning left onto Wilmington Avenue.

The SUV driver left the scene and drove about two blocks before parking his vehicle and walking back.

The motorcyclist was taken to New Hanover Regional Medical Center.

Lanier said police were in the early stages of the investigation, and had yet to determine all the factors that could have contributed to the crash.

The SUV driver had been arrested, Lanier said. Police suspect he was driving drunk.

Officers planned to investigate the wreck further, police said.

The motorcycle driver was wearing a helmet.

– David Reynolds

Nothing pisses me off more than the last line of this article. It wouldn't matter if he was wearing clown shoes and a mohawk, the SUV driver WAS DRUNK, violated the biker's right of way by turning left INTO him, then proceeded to drive away.

Sadly, this motorcyclist died. The SUV driver is being charged with a DWI and two felonies: hit and run and death by motor vehicle. And even sadder, there is NO GUARANTEE this asshat will serve any jail time for killing a biker. While driving drunk.

May is Motorcycle Awareness Month. I have many posts planned on this, but in the mean time - can you please remember to

LOOK TWICE AND SAVE A LIFE!!

Morning Conversation

2009-04-22T07:53:00.003-04:00

During our morning Fight Club (brush teeth, comb hair, wash face) Junior informed me that he'd recently had a conversation.

Junior: I talked to Mr. Grandpa.

Me: Oh yeah, what did you guys talk about?

Junior: I like Tahlee. I give Mr. Grandpa fifteen dollars.

Me: You're going to give Mr. Grandpa fifteen dollars?

Junior: Yes. And then I take Tahlee.

I can see that the kid is just not going to give up on that cat!! And Dad....whatever you do, DO NOT accept any monies from that boy!!

Happy Birthday

2009-04-21T13:19:00.003-04:00

Lee Anne Redwine

1964 - 2007

You were the big sister I never had.

You were the auntie I always wanted to hang out with.

You were the friend I could always count on.

You were the savvy entrepreneur who taught me the way.

You were the best NASCAR buddy and Talladega will never be the same to me.

You were.

I are.

And I miss you.

Let's try something new

2009-04-20T15:38:00.005-04:00

I don't always have my *stuff* together in the mornings. This usually results with me buying and eating unhealthly (but tasty, cheesey or fried) lunches. I actually spend money to make my ass large(r) at least 4 days a week, 4 weeks a month, 12 months a year!!

Well I did have my stuff together this morning. Junior and I left the house at 7:00 and went straight to Wally World. I have food, mostly good food, here at the office!

I'm trying out this new sammich bread. It's different. It's small. It doesn't get all bready when you're eating a sammich. I like it. It made a lovely turkey, provolone and romaine lettuce sammich. AND....5 grams of fiber in them there 2 slices.

I've been liking this new juice:

I discovered it during basketball season. We had to drop in the grocery store to get more Gatorade. I wanted something to drink besides another soda or more freakin' water. I saw the strawberry, cantaloupe and watermelon on the front and decided to give it a try. It's actually pretty tasty but does have a bit of wang on the aftertaste. The six pack sells for $5.99

but today, after the VACATIONING LOCUSTS raided our store, there was only singles left. Singles are $1.50 and that really chapped my hide. I did buy 2 so I'd at least have one for tomorrow too. Side note to the "slenderize" on this label: Kiss. My. Ass. I like you for your melons and 20 calories (versus a soda).

I picked up a box of Nutri-Grain cereal bars in strawberry. Wow, I didn't know I could be so disappointed in $2.50 of strawberry. The filling is too sweet and there's not enough "cereal", the ratio is way off.

I will probably try to sell these to Junior. They're sweet enough for his taste and they are individually wrapped...also to his taste. He can't read so I'm pretty sure if I tell him it's a cookie, he'll believe me.

I picked up a package of celery. I'm the only one who will eat it at the house. I forgot I was taking this celery to the office and did not remember to pick up any peanut butter. Which is OK, I ate a rib of celery with my sammich to replace the chip CRUNCH that is so satisfying to enjoy while eating a sammich. I don't know why the boys have such a hard time with celery. It's loud

and crunchy, good celery quenches your thirst as you eat it and it has no calories! I think I even heard some kind of BS that celery has negative calories.

Oprah and Dr. Oz are always talking about how awesome nuts are for you. I love me some almonds so instead of going for the salty wasabi ones, I picked up the all natural ones. And I could not believe how tasty they were! These are SO GOOD and when I added 28 of them to my lunch plate, I did not miss french fries or potato chips at all.

So maybe if I eat like this 4 days a week, 4 weeks a month, 12 months a year I'll lose 5 pounds. Or just save all that dining out cash and get it all sucked out....

This week in Boy Land...

2009-04-13T09:17:00.001-04:00

WELCOME TO SPRING BREAK. THESE ARE THE RULES.

NOBODY COMES OVER TO HANG OUT AT MY HOUSE.

YOU MAY COME AND GO AS YOU PLEASE IF:

1. YOU CALL ME FIRST AND ADVISE OF WHO YOU ARE WITH, WHAT YOU PLAN TO DO AND WHEN YOU WILL BE HOME.

2. ALWAYS HAVE YOUR CELL PHONE ON.

3. ALWAYS HAVE YOUR HOUSE KEY.

4. YOU MAKE SURE MYA IS TAKEN CARE OF BEFORE YOU GO: WATER IN DISH, MAKE SURE SHE’S NOT LEFT OUTSIDE, MAKE SURE SHE’S NOT TOO HOT IF LEFT IN THE HOUSE.

BEFORE YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE, YOU MUST MAKE SURE YOU SECURE IT!! WINDOWS CLOSED AND LOCKED, DOORS DEADBOLTED. IF I COME HOME AND FIND AN UNSECURED AREA, I WILL TAKE YOUR STUFF TO THE PAWN SHOP JUST LIKE A FREAKIN’ THEIF.

YOUR CURFEW FOR THE WEEK IS 10:00 PM, PERIOD.

REMEMBER THAT HUSBAND IS OUT OF TOWN THIS WEEK SO DON’T MAKE ANYTHING DIFFICULT FOR ME. IT WILL NOT BE PRETTY.

THANK YOU FOR BEING SMART. WEAR CLEAN UNDERWEAR, SAY PLEASE AND THANK YOU, YADDA, YADDA.

Happy Easter!

2009-04-12T08:00:00.004-04:00

I so wish I could take that monkey to the Easter Party at Big O's today.

I will be taking this monkey:

see more pwn and owned pictures

Yeah, I know those are Christmas wreaths on the window but the sign still rings true for today.

Dear Dad....

2009-04-10T09:30:00.003-04:00

I think I just found your people.

If you ever go missing, we'll know where to find you.

I'm the oldest

2009-04-08T11:08:00.002-04:00

I have two sisters and a brother.

My younger sister died when she was four months old. It was December. Two weeks before Christmas. I remember my mother telling me about the funeral we were having for her. I remember her telling me that they would be playing "Isn't She Lovely" by Stevie Wonder and "they edited out all the sounds." (I wouldn't discover the edited out parts until I was 20ish and I think I died a little more when I did figure it out.) I remember wearing my Blue Bird uniform and sitting with my friends in the church. I remember that tiny casket.

I thought that was the saddest thing ever and I would not want to touch or be around a baby for a very long time after that. I have always felt so sad for my parents and the club they had joined but no one wanted to be a member of.

I remember opening Christmas presents a few weeks later. I remember my dad pulling out another gift from under the tree for either my sister or me to open. The present was not for either one of us, it was for Andrea. And I remember that sucked.

I remember my mom joining a grief group to help her get thru such a difficult thing. I remember how some of her fellow grievers were angry when she got knocked up with my brother.

And you'd better believe all kinds of sunshine, love and goodness poured onto brother's not-so-small ass when he arrived. We all spoiled his ass rotten so we could fill the missing void of Andrea's presence. He was so spoiled that he didn't walk until after he turned one. Who needs to walk when you can be toted around like the prince he was?

And then there were three. It ended up that we're all 5 years apart. Close enough to beat and torture each other on a regular basis but not so close we ever had to go to school together. As the oldest I certainly did keep to my duties of keeping the younger two in line. Sure, it was mostly my line they were towing but I can't help it if I'm smarter than you...and bigger. All the easier to pin you to the floor and tickle you until you pee your pants, my pretty! (Good thing that house had linoleum floors, huh? Way easy to hide the evidence!)

As we've grown into adults, I am still the oldest but now I find myself in a different place. While we are not a particularly close brood, I am still sought out for dirty deeds.

Unfortunately, my sister and her husband are now members of the club my parents joined so long ago. And it hurts me in many, many ways. I know exactly where her anger is. And I'm trying to not let it eat me alive.

Pray.

FIRST!!

2009-04-07T08:55:00.003-04:00

Lots of firsts this weekend.

First big mow. The Husband mowed and mowed and mowed. Back and front yards, then the spare lot. Thankfully, we have a riding lawn mower to manage that much area. It was a hand-me-down from my Memaw. It's an old-school Snapper JUST LIKE the one Forest Gump drove around. It's old as hell but she keeps on running. And running, and running.

First bloom. I counted 25 amaryllis blooms the other day. I don't recall having any more than 12 the prior years. I'm glad to see the 'roids paid off. Saturday morning gave way to the first one blooming and as a bonus, the banana tree is coming back to life. I expect to see 3 to 5 leaves on it by the weekend. WOO HOO!!

First lizard. So awesome to see the little guys running around again. The lizard I saw was stalking around the amaryllis and lilies so I reckon he's eating bugs off my plants. Thank you Mr. Lizard!

First hummingbird. My BFF came by Sunday and as we were chatting it up on the front porch I caught buzzing in my eye line and saw a hummer buzzing at the empty feeder. So I cleaned and filled the feeder so all of my little friends stop by for a drink. Hummingbirds are the best show in town.

First sprouts. I bought a seed tray to get my flower boxes up and running. (Better late than never, right?) And I also planted the garden seeds: broccoli, squash, zucchini, cucumbers. The seeds started sprouting by Sunday afternoon and as of Monday afternoon it looks like most of the seeds were successful. Junior is excited because he can grow and pick all the TWO NUMBERS he can eat! Now if we can just find a "Ranch" bush to plant...

First independent. I don't know if you'd call it independent or actual use of imagination - Junior playing and not requiring someone to help him play. I wanted to watch the race, Husband was packing up getting ready to work out of town this week and Junior wanted to be outside. I turned up the TV, opened the windows and sat on the porch working crosswords and turning left while Junior played with a water gun, a bowl of water and all the rocks he could find. And everybody was happy and no one had issues of the 4 year old I NEED variety.

First breather. Too much stress in March. TOO MUCH. This weekend was the first time in a while that I haven't felt like I was....well, was. It was nice to feel comfortable and relaxed. I did my shopping early on Saturday and that was about all I had to do. It was awesome.

So all that good stuff, and the Husband being gone left me sitting and thinking last night. I have a big week ahead of me. The annual Easter gig is Sunday. I have cakes and pies to make, change to plunder, baskets to buy and fill up. No rest for the wicked!

WORD to your mother.

2009-03-31T11:32:00.003-04:00

I'm no Bill Gates fan but he WAS smart enough to make Word yell at us for incorrect spelling and bad grammar. However, Mr. Gates was not smart enough to make that Paperclip (as annoying as he is) a little more bossy about format.

You know - for those moments when someone:

use spaces instead of tabs
use tabs then add a space so the number will scootch over
use ENTER repeatedly instead of using page break

Paperclip just watches all of this, and lets it happen.

I just inherited a copy of the company's MODEL X which I need to submit to a customer, proving we have a MODEL X.

The MODEL X was prepared in Word and eventually turned into a pocket size MODEL X.

The initial layer outer of MODEL X did not choose to use the formatting guides in Word, they used a weird-assed margin setting, a bunch of spaces, gobs of unnecessary returns and flip flopped between TWO FONTS throughout the document (and I'm not just being anal about the fonts, it's truly UGLY and reeks unprofessional).

Dear Paperclip,

Where were you when this was all happening? You SAW what was going on. Your googly cartoon eyes ignored the grossness of a poorly laid out document.

And yet, here you sit and mockingly blink your dastardly stare at me while I painstakingly go line by line thru this hideous document.

YOU SUCK!! And I hope you die a slow, rusty, bent death.

Little brother's done gone on

2009-03-25T16:14:00.002-04:00

Jonseing

2009-03-13T09:48:00.005-04:00

Basketball Jones - Barry White and Chris Rock

Sure, sure - I know. The original is here. (And wow - Cheech & Chong would prolly get strung up for that cartoon in this day and age.) But who can resist Barry White? You want some chicken? LOL

The Borrowed One has been playing in the church league. And I drag him to all of his games. So right now...I got a basketball jones.

And last night - I actually watched an ACC tournament game. On purpose. (Not entirely true - Earl was a rerun.) I may, emphasis on MAY, even play brackets this year. With money. Which is making me feel kind of dirty.

But let's talk about playing ball for Jesus a bit.

The league consists of local churches, all men. I'd say it's about a 50/50 split between white churches and black churches. So pretty much on any game night, you're going to see something pretty dang entertaining. I tend to be entertained by everything there but the actual game.

Before each game starts both teams and the refs meet at half court and say a prayer. Most of the crowd goes silent but sometimes there's a lot of talking going on and you don't get to hear anything until AMEN is said. Let me tell you, I LOVE it when the black church teams get to pray. The game BO played last week was against a black church and there was lots of Faaather Goyed! and Lore-ed in that sing-song deep voice. (Must be the Barry talkin'.) This prayer was focused on good sportsmanship to "ourselves, our teams and each other."

And then the game started.

And that prayer was pretty quickly forgotten. Commence trash talking, pouting, distracting moves - I can't stand the WOO HOOs someone will make from the defense when trying to get the offense to pass them the ball (but it does sometimes work). Sometimes I want to stand up and scream YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE PLAYING BALL FOR JESUS!!

Which is why I told the husband for the last two seasons that he will NEVER play ball for Jesus. He can't keep his mouth shut from the trash talk, cusses too much and doesn't go to church. No Jesus ball for YOU!

But mostly, it's all done with fun and nobody gets truly hurt. Feelings are a different story. At least this year with the new church BO is getting a lot of play time instead of riding the bench so Mr. Spectacular Ball Hog can play the entire game with no breaks. Let me tell you, driving you and your entire family 15 miles into the country to play ball for Jesus and BO just rides the bench...yep, that'd piss anybody off.

Sometimes I do more people watching than pay attention to the game.

There's an Episcopalian team, white church - there's got to be something in the communion wafers over there because EVERY guy on their team is TALL. Not just tall but almost abnormally tall. The guy who works at Quizno's plays on this team. I fight the urge to yell GO QUIZNO'S! when he makes a good play.

Another white church team, Methodists - they all look like a bunch of farmers. Mega farmer tans beam from under their tank jerseys. There's one guy in particular that just cracks me up - his hair is a little on the longer/bigger side (but still short) and he's got a bit of the crazy eyes. When he's in his game, HE'S IN HIS GAME. His eyes are always blazing but when he's played for a while his hair sweats up and gets crazy and he gets all read in the face. Very Ernest T. Bass like. And I am in the stands laughing like a hyena on the inside.

There's another white church team, also Methodists and a dude that looks like Jay (Silent Bob's friend) right down to the long blond hair. Having an almost fivehead, he also arches his eyebrows so it looks like he's in a constant state of surprise, but his eyes are barely open like he's stoned. This is something I just can not look away from. He is Mr. White Basketball as far as he's concerned. He comes to the court in civilian clothes, carries an enormous duffel bag into the locker room and re-emerges as Mr. W. Basketball in his uniform - complete with matching shorts (church only provides jersey) and a few support items, usually one long sock looking thing on his arm and some tape on the fingers. He is a pretty good ball player though. And not really horrible to look at. Last week he treated us to undressing at the bench instead of the locker room. *waggles eyebrows*

There's another guy on a white church Methodist team that used to look like Lars Ulrich. When we first played him last year it was driving me nuts because I thought I knew that guy. I searched and searched and SEARCHED my mind trying to figure out where I knew him from. Elder Spawn went to a game and saw him and said, "That dude looks like Lars." And I slapped my forehead like I could of had a V8. Sadly, now I have to say USED to look like Lars because homeboy got him some Just For Men and his hair is darker and he's way less Lars-y now. This team also looks like a bunch of farmers.

The refs are awesome. One of them is my former Vice-Principal from high school. He's very Richard Roundtree looking and acting. Daaaaamn right. He was straight up in school and he's the same on the court. A few games ago a parent was pissed over a call he made and the parent yelled out something smart-assy. When he said it, it really did sound like it came from the court and Mr. Moe whipped around looking for who it came from and I almost peed my pants. I'd seen that look before, sitting in his office, receiving a lecture. Shut yo mouth! The parent noticed Mr. Moe was pissed and said it was him and the rest of us in the stands were all nodding our heads like good little school children. The man's still got it.

As much as I like basketball and enjoy rooting for the team, I know that this too shall pass. We start tournament play Monday. Based on the team's performance this season, we're not going to go very far unless we get really lucky.

And I'm kind of glad. My hands hurt from sitting on them all the time and my tongue hurts from almost biting it off. It's not just the Husband....I couldn't (or rather should not) play ball for Jesus either.

Pendulum

2009-03-12T08:48:00.003-04:00

Today's One Minute Writer:

In what area do you tend to swing from one extreme to the other, and back again?

I could go on FOREVER about this one. And it would not be nice. Especially after this morning's happenings. Mom always said:

If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.

(You have to make your own EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE noise)

Hair a curl, there a curl

2009-03-11T15:12:00.005-04:00

EVERYWHERE a curl curl!

I finally (cheap/free shipping took almost a week!) got my Curly Girl book and $18 micro-fiber towel. And I read, read, READ that book like it was a cheap romance novel. Again and again and again.

The Curly Girl method is pretty simple.

Don't wash your hair.
Don't EVER brush your hair.
If you must comb your hair, use a W I D E-toothed comb.
Don't blow dry your hair, it DRIES your hair as it...well, dries. If you must dry, use a diffuser.
DON'T TOUCH YOUR HAIR for at least one hour after you style it.
Your hair is a fiber - just like that $200 sweater you obsess over with its care and maintenance - treat your hair like you would that sweater.

Don't wash your hair with shampoo as it is mostly composed from sulfates which is very drying to the hair. Curly hair is DRY and needs moisture. You "wash" your hair with conditioner: apply at the ends first, then rub around your scalp with more conditioner to get the crusties off your scalp. This is not as gross as it sounds. Before CG, I usually only washed (put soap on) my hair once, maybe twice a week. And I do wet/condition it every day so it's not a huge deal. For me.

Don't brush your hair because brushing causes your hairs to separate and balloon into a BIG HEAD FRIZZ FEST. I actually haven't brushed my hair in years so I knew this one.

I usually use a wide-toothed comb in the shower to distribute my conditioner. Then I'd use it again to distribute my silicone or dimethicone glosser/de-frizzer gels/serums. So basically, I was separating a lot of my curls making my hair big and globbing all those -icone products into it. Fun fact from the book: don't use -icone products on your hair because it builds up over time and dulls your hair. Thank you book, I'd been using that crap in my hair for at least 10 years. Now I know why I would get mad at those products for LYING TO ME and STEALING ALL MY DAMNED MONEY. -icone bitches!! You are a LIAR John Frieda!!

I usually did not dry my hair because it takes too dang long. I did dry/diffuse it when I was trying out that plopping method from my last post. My hair looked ok but still frizzy. And still a bit on the large side. Anything was an improvement from it's BEFORE CG state. (too bad I did not think to take photos)

The Don't Touch Your Hair rule is kicking my ass. I find myself chanting "donttouchyourhair, donttouchyourhair" on a regular basis. I still touch it to move a curl or separate a mega-curl (three or 4 of those suckers will twist together) but you still have to watch it. When you separate the curls, the hair grows. It grows bigger on the sides - not the top so you end up with a lovely Roseanne Roseannadanna hair do. NOT attractive.

The sweater analogy is spot on and I appreciate that lesson. For all of the time I spent bitching about my hair, in retrospect, I was just not very nice to my hair to begin with. I did do conditioning treatments from time to time but not a whole lot else that was GOOD for my hair. I spent more time (and money and energy) letting false claims on the front of a package sway me instead of knowing what to look for in the ingredients. NOW I KNOW.

I had the rare chance to get the hell out of boyland - ALONE - so I took it and RAN to the H&B section in Walmart. I read every freakin' label of moisturizing conditioners on the isle and most of them contained things CG's should not use. That's when I went full-on press to the ethnic hair care products. Trust me, that's where all the GOOD STUFF is hiding. I settled on an olive oil deep conditioner treatment pack and a bottle of their regular conditioner.

For my clear gel needs (colored gels build up over time and make hair look dull) I went with the Aussie brand because the other two clear gels with appropriate ingredients were in smaller containers with higher prices. I like it, it doesn't "crunch."

I also purchased some lavender oil to make the lavender mist spray from the book. I'm still not really sure what to do with this according to the CG method. I do use it before bedtime to tame the bush into my sleepy-time pineapple hair do (a ponytail on the top of your head). The lavender smells wonderful and comforting. Very nice at the end of the day.

My new CG hair routine is pretty simple. When I get out of the shower and dry my hair now, I blot it instead of wringing out the water. I think that's helping to keep my hairs from separating. I use an "accordion" motion, hanging my head to the side and push the towel into the length of my hair until it touches my head. When that's mostly dry, I use the same motion to put on my gel. My hair kind of falls into its "this is where I'm gonna lay dammit" areas and then I just carefully move curls around, smooth or re-curl with the finger twirl and PRESTO! Hair is done!

I do use some small hair clips to lift the curls around my crown so I don't have flat head. The clips are cute so I don't worry about wearing them around while running morning errands and usually take them out when I get to the office.

I have found that my hair does still have some frizz to it but I'm not going to freak out about it just yet. I've only deep conditioned once (you would not believe how HOT I look with my hair all wrapped up with plastic wrap) and my hair's been pretty dry for a while. The CG book says that the method is not a miracle and should take about three weeks to get your hair where you want it. After 4 days - I'm pretty damned pleased so I'm stoked to see what three weeks will look like.

The most expensive thing I bought for this was that damned $18 towel. The towel part works just fine, but the smaller size does not allow for plopping action (read: I can't quite figure out how to wrap a rectangle on my head - squares are no problem). After blotting with the towel for a few days I doubt I would go back to plopping. (Not until my hair was very long anyways.)

Visit this website for tons of info on curly hair: http://www.naturallycurly.com/

Most importantly - embrace your curls, 'cause those things ain't goin' anywhere anytime soon.

When I grow up

2009-03-03T15:24:00.003-05:00

I am approaching 40 and I still have NO FREAKIN' IDEA what to do with the crap pile of curls on my head. That's right: almost 40, no hair skills. And I'm sick to death of it.

Searching for truth and knowledge, I went to the one source for everything: Google. I googled me some curl options. I Wikihow-ed and got wowed!

I found this video:

And holy cow! A movie has never meant so much to me! This is the ticket. I tried it Saturday and it's nice to look like my hair has a style and I'm not the biggest loser in a lame 'fro contest. This could be some of the finest 2 minutes and 32 seconds I've witnessed on the internets.

At this article's suggestion, I caved/splurged and bought this book and am patiently waiting for it to arrive. (I'm cheap and went for the whole FREE shipping you have to wait 5 to 7 days for. An ETERNITY in this day and age.) Reaching ever higher into the splurge category I also purchased a micro-fiber towel for my plopping needs. (The tshirt is okay but doesn't dry fast enough for my morning routine. NO, getting up earlier is NOT an option.)

So maybe, just maybe, by the time my 20th high school reunion rolls around this fall, I'll have made peace with my inner-curl.

Or....I could wig out like this chick:

Have I mentioned lately that boys are dumb?

2009-02-13T09:25:00.004-05:00

Teenage boys have NO CLUE. I should be thankful they can wash their own ass and do their own laundry but clearly, I still have much to teach them.

Buy valentines, you must.

So Saturday is Valentines Day. This doesn't mean a whole lot to me anymore as I consider the husband working a solid 40 per week and a paid mortgage a true expression of love. To young teenage girls in lurve, Valentines Day has the potential to be a B.F.D. Both of my boys currently date teenage girls.

Each evening this week, I would walk to their room and try to have a conversation.

Monday:

Me: Boys, have you thought about Valentine's Day at all? It's on Saturday.

Boys: Why?

Tuesday:

Me: Boys, have you thought about Valentine's Day at all? It's on Saturday.

Boys: Are we supposed to?

Wednesday:

Me: Boys, have you thought about Valentine's Day at all? It's on Saturday.

Boys: I don't know!

Me: Yes, clearly you don't know.

Thursday:

Borrowed One calls me at 3:45 wanting to go play basketball. I told him that was fine but when you got home, we were going shopping for Valentine's Day. He's down with it and Elder Spawn agrees as well.

So at 9:00 pm (PM!!) I load up two testosterone laden knuckle-dragging teenagers to Walmart. And of course, the second we walk in the door, we see 40 people we know. We make brief chit chat and I have to pull them away so we can get down to some bidness.

The boys start out in the special Valentine's area. Nothing here but a bunch of cheap-ass stuffed animals and candy. They seemed to be thrilled by this but Mama does not approve and I direct them to the jewelery department.

Usually the jewelery department is staffed by some not so friendly ladies. Tonight, we are blessed to be hosted by the frutiest guy I've ever seen in Walmart. He is wonderful: kind, helpful and patient.

ES can't remember if he's even SEEN his girlfriend's ears so of course he doesn't know if her ears are pierced. BO finds a set of heart-shaped CZ's and his bling alarm goes off. I'm feeling pretty "meh" about these but we agree to purchase and Fruity works on putting them in a nice box suitable for gift giving. ES can't form an opinion on anything and gives up, wanting to walk back to the candy area. I'm pretty "meh" on this idea as well.

I keep assuring the boys that I'm not trying to commit you to anything, over extend your relationship, etc. But you are SO NOT going to do this half-assed. Mama's not having it.

As we're walking dejectedly back to candy land I try once again to appeal to ES, "Are you sure you didn't see anything in the jewelry department?" Poor ES is so confused and probably wishing lightening would strike his mother down so she would shut the hell up. We walked back to jewelery to give it one more shot.

Fruity asks us exactly how much we're willing to spend and I submit to the $30 range. Remember, it's not about being cheap. I'm not trying to fluff up their relationship any more than it already is. I don't want anything that screams I'M COMMITTED TO YOU FOREVER AND EVER. I'm just trying to present you as a nice, thoughtful young man.

The only thing Fruity can offer us at that price is a 20" sterling silver necklace with a 1/10th of a carat in diamond chip/dust heart pendant. Fruity puts extra emphasis on REAL DIAMONDS. And in my head, after he says REAL DIAMONDS, I'm screaming, "AT WALMART!" ES's eyes light up and we've found our gift! We tell Fruity we're headed back to candy for some reinforcements and he says just come back when you're ready and I'll have your gifts ready to go.

So we've suffered a good 30 minutes in jewelry and it should take just a few minutes to complete our gift bonanza extravaganza, no? Yeah. NO.

I found a cute red bucket shaped tin with hearts for handles. It would be nice to fill with small candies and the jewelery box. Since I've been a teenage girl before, I could just imagine these girls would have that tin until they graduated from college. Some small trinkets that a boy gave you are really hard to part with and usually can be converted to a useful purpose (even if said boy turns out to be a total dick). Standing in that isle, I could see that tin being a pencil cup on a desk for a loooooooong time. Because I think like a woman.

You would have thought I was showing them an alien artifact from Remulac. I tried to explain the concept of inserting goodies and the present and we had a small meltdown. Right there. In Walmart. BO: "I'm so confused!" ES: "What? Me too!" I can't think of any basketball or skateboarding terms to communicate to them any better so being mindful of the time we've already spent in here, I gave up. I pointed to the Russell Stover heart-shaped $1 sampler box and said, "Just get one of those!"

The boys saw a bigger heart with chocolates that was also $1 and started to grab that one instead. I lovingly (ok, maybe not lovingly but in a Dammit I'm so ready to get the hell out of here! way) point out that while that box may be bigger, the candy inside is shit compared to Russell Stover. The point was well received by the young gents and they each went with the RS sampler.

On our way back to jewelery I asked BO if he wanted to trade up his CZ earrings to a diamond necklace as well and he eagerly agreed. I felt bad because Fruity had our stuff cleaned up and ready in the really nice gift boxes and we changed our order. I think Fruity approved of the upgrade though because he took just as much time, care and glee for our sake as we did in finally coming to a frakkn decision.

As we were getting into the car I told them I had some Valentine's gift wrap they could use, and in unison they whined:

We have to wrap it too??!!??

Dammit boys. So. Much. To. Learn.

It's now 10:00 pm (PM!!) and on the drive home they both thanked me over and over again. There was much discussion about being "lost" and "having no idea." Then there was much talk about how the same trip would have gone down if the Husband would have taken them. BO said they'd probably still be in electronics trying to pick something out. And I'm thinking to myself, "Yep, you three would be there playing GAMES in electronics."

And if you'll excuse me, I'm off to track down my 10th grade boyfriend's mother. After this experience, it's so clear to me now that even though HE presented me with the earrings for Valentine's Day, HIS MOTHER is the one who bought them. I owe her a thank you card.

Boys are so dumb.