This is your brain....

....on Squidbillies.

I've been fretting over getting my haircut for the past three months.  As a Curly Girl...there is much anxiety to be had when it comes to getting a haircut.

Last night I dreamed I was hanging out in my Tulsa, OK elementary school (John Ross) and 1980's Rick Springfield showed up to cut my hair.

Mm, mm, mm!  Dr. Noah Drake!!

We made goo goo eyes at each other in the mirror as he worked.  He fluffed and snipped and batted his eyes until I felt a weird tug and his eyes got big as saucers.  Dr. Drake had surgically removed half of my ponytail.  The top half.  I'm not a rocket surgeon but who the heck cuts hair while it's in a pony tail?!

Rick Springfield then started making out with me.  I guess this is standard soap opera apology method number one?  Anyways, I went with it - come on, it's 80's Springfield, you know you would too!!! - and when it was over I remember walking down the hallway and sobbing uncontrollably.

Over a bad haircut.  Sobbing to the point where I couldn't breathe.  The school secretary was phoning for medical assistance when I woke up to George meowing loudly at me and Squidbillies playing on the TV.

Cat + Unknown Hinson = bad haircut

or

Cat + Unknown Hinson = good lovin'

??

It's just an old wive's tale...

I heard, not once but TWICE over this New Years holiday, that what you spend your time doing New Years Day is what you'll be doing for the rest of the year.  It's possible I've been told this before, but after raising children and birds you learn to tune a lot of stuff out and just listen for keywords like fire, x-rays, accidentally, etc.  This feels like the first time I really listened and heard it.

Homegirl told me that's why she was going to finish getting her house work done New Years Eve so she wouldn't be cleaning New Years Day, therefore selling herself into indentured servant status and cleaning for 365 days straight.  That's what her mama always told her and then I saw someone else mention it on Facebook.

Hmmm...I thought about it when I woke up at a very late 10:00 a.m. and made coffee New Years Day.  I can't remember the last time we slept that late on a Saturday morning.  Usually by 7:30 Junior is standing over the husband's side of the bed saying "Can I please have a bowl of cereal?  Dad, are you wearing your pajamas?"  (Yes, about two months ago Junior joined, and has been assigned as Detective for the Pajama Police.  Those are some funny conversations to hear about and or eavesdrop in on.)  Junior spent the night with my brother's family.  The cousins had a great time playing together.

I couldn't just sit there and do nothing on New Years Day, even after I worked pretty hard NYE day and played hard NYE night (fireworks, tons of sparkler smoke, jerk neighbor and cops, hors d'oeuvres, dessert, dominoes - girls lost, Dick Clark, more fireworks) I could have sat around and done nothing.  I did want to get some work done so I mopped the kitchen and bathroom floors, washed everyone's bedding, cleaned the master bathroom, watched Aliens vs Predator:  Requiem, goaded the husband into running the vacuum cleaner*, worked the organizational side of the Blackberry, and messed around with my Cozi calendar.
*Brother Dear called Saturday evening to let me know that one by one, their household was erupting with pukers and wanted to know if Junior was ok.  At that time, he was just fine.

I feel like I worked pretty hard, but-cha know what??  If I can spend 2011 actually getting my money's worth out of my Netflix account, learn to effectively use my Blackberry for more than just Facebook, keep my calendar planned out and organized, and not just keep the house clean but have help doing it, I'm okay with that.  I welcome it!

And I'm so thankful that Junior waited until January 2nd to get sick and puke-y.  I certainly do NOT want to spend my 2011 chasing him around and catching his vomit in the trash can.  (It certainly beats having to drag out the carpet cleaner though.  It was a pretty sweet mom maneuver if I do say so myself.  I totally say so.)

I know when he recounts the horror of his evening and is telling me about his story tomorrow, hand motions and all, I KNOW he's going to say when he puked it came out of him "like a ball-cane-o" and then I will laugh really hard because 1) How funny is "ball-cane-o"!? 2) his puke was mostly red, the color of hot lava and 3) volcanoes hit me where I live and I have the same thought Every. Single. Time. I hear the word volcano.

My first memory of being sick and staying home from school is of my mom serving me some red fruity jello as a Sorry You Feel Bad Snack.  Seems logical, jello is easy on the tummy and fruit is supposed to be good for you, right?  After eating the snack, I curled up on the three cushioned gold couch and watched a TV show about volcanoes.  When the volcanoes started erupting and the red-hot lava spewed up and out, raining its ooze down the mountains, my fruity jello began to erupt up and out of me, down my blue night gown and as I ran for the bathroom, I left a chunky red trail across the living room floor, down the hallway and to the bathroom.

And that is why I hate red fruity jello.

And maybe volcanoes too.

I joined a cult.

I finally succumbed to the Digital Side and got hard core cable with a DVR so I would never, ever have to miss a moment of LOST.



Also, I'll be able to watch Robot Chicken ON DEMAND because I'm old and can't stay up that late anymore.  Sometimes being a grown up ROCKS!!

Do you hear what I hear?

It's that time of year again.  Holiday jewelry commercials.

So Kay has started their campaign with a new piece called Love's Embrace.  Have you seen the commercial?  It's here, please go watch it.

Did you hear the last line being sung by the man, "Every kiss begins with Kay?"

DOESN'T THE MAN SOUND LIKE BUFFALO BILL FROM SILENCE OF THE LAMBS?

It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets love's embrace AGAIN!


And I don't think home boy is talkin' 'bout no jewelry either.

It has a high SQUEE factor

Even though my birthday is in August, I'm am completely willing to FAST FORWARD to September.

All I can think about from last season is seeing Jax sit at Clay's set at the table. This preview is well done! BRAVO!!

Is it September YET?

I about peed my pants when we spied a spot announcing the show's return a few weeks ago.  Now that most of my tv shows are over I just dwell on WHEN I'll be getting to oggle Jax again.  Le sigh.

I'll take Intimidation for $200, Alex.

Once upon a time (about 11 years ago), in a land far away (about 25 miles from here) I tried out for Wheel of Fortune.  I made it to the second round testing and failed miserably.  It was awesome and fun to try.  The Jeopardy! bus rolled into town a short while later and I let someone convince me that I would just be wasting my time.  Like a weak dumbass, I listened and did not even try.

I have another shot at Jeopardy!  Tonight at 8:00 pm I'll be taking the online Jeopardy! test.  I AM STOKED!  It's only 50 questions and spelling doesn't count ("but try to be accurate" the rules state).  

You don't have to answer in the form of a question either.  This is the area I have the most trouble with.  I can shout answers at the TV like I've been touched with some kind of "special" but I generally forget about the question part.  If I actually do make it to the show, Alex would spend a great deal of time marking my answers WRONG and possibly just duct tape my mouth shut to speed up the game.

You can go here and register to take the test.  The test schedule is based by location so East Coast is tonight and you'd better get to steppin' to make the 8:00 deadline.

I just hope I can beat Junior to the computer tonight!

I think I'm addicted to vodka now.

Who watched Nip/Tuck last night?

Did anyone catch much of the story line between all the damned commercials?  Seriously, there was maybe 30 minutes of SHOW.

My liver cringes every time I think about Smirnoff now.  Thanks for hosting the premiere Smirnoff but next time, can you shell out a little more cash so we can watch the SHOW, not 8 gazillion commercials?

Thanks Ryan for spending the first 20 minutes of the hour explaining IN GREAT DETAIL how that crazy bitch got inside and stabbed up Sean.  Like the final images of last season's finale of him laying on the floor gurgling blood weren't enough for me to catch on.

And HELLO!!!???  Annie was being anesthetized to death on the operating table, Liz gets her somewhat stable and then we get NO FURTHER updates on her condition?  That kid never gets no love.  I hope they don't pay her by the on-screen nano-seconds she gets.  In fact, they probably owe her a fat check for pain and suffering of NOT being on the show she's supposed to be on. 

The man whore ended up with breast cancer.  Very ironic and kind of fitting.  He's not so indestructible after all.  It was so very funny to see him feeling up Liz at her boob reduction consult.  Still doesn't make up for all the damned commercials.

I'm not sure where to lay blame on my disappointment of the episode:  FX or Ryan Murphy.   

Most likely it's all Kurt Sutter's fault.  Kurt's got a solid show in SOA and he can cram lots of information and story into the time he's allotted.  Kurt fed me a whole season of goodness that I ate - heartily!  Even the parts that fell to the floor and were covered in dog hair.

GAH!!!

Rewind it

Elder spawn, Husband and I were watching something on the TV this weekend. Something happened and we wished we could have rewinded what we were seeing.

Elder spawn: Too bad we can't rewind that.

Husband: We need a Devo.

Me: So we can whip it good?

IT'S WEDNESDAY!!!!

It took ALL DAMN WEEK, but Wednesday is finally here. The season finale of Sons of Anarchy is tonight. I think I have "life" situated so I'll be more than ready at 10:00.

Dinner will be quick and dirty, Junior will be in the express bathtub line. The only loose end is one of the big boys is out with a friend and isn't supposed to be home until 10:00. If he breaks curfew and I have to lecture during my SOA time....someone is going to be picking up dead leaves in the yard AND the spare lot. With a pair of chopsticks.

Thanksgiving is tomorrow and I'm glad. We're having a late dinner this year - like 6:00 feed bag time late. So HOORAY I get to sleep in tomorrow instead of waking up in a panic trying to get things done. Also, Thanksgiving is NOT at my house this year so I really don't have much to worry about except being at Mom & Dad's by 4:00.

I'm bringing to the meal:

• Punch - the drinking kind. Hardly as much fun as the other kind of punch but generally safer around the childrens. I hunted down (like it was an animal) a punch fountain a few years ago and it's the best damned $20 I have ever spent on punch. The fountain has three tiers and lights (!!) so even if you're only serving Kool-aid...it looks spectacular! When I make Christmas punch (for adults only) the streams of the fountain make big ol' foamy boob looking blobs in the bowl. You know its a party when there's light-up boobies in the punch.
• Green Bean Casserole - just like all the other years. Hey, it's a classic, a favorite and a "safe" side dish (as opposed to a Nasty-Assery "casserole"). This year Alton Brown has inspired - maybe even challenged - me to make it from scritchety-scratch. I'm a bit nervous because GBC is a staple and how the hell can you mess up a holiday staple and not manage to melt and pour into the nearest a/c vent after dinner should there be an issue with said casserole you prepared. Here me now Lowe's Foods: If you don't have panko bread crumbs on your shelf when I arrive this evening....someone is getting hurt.
• Sweet Tea - made with real sugar, brewed in a metal pot on the stove then lovingly dumped into my construction-type dispenser cooler. It's only two gallons so I'm hoping that's enough. Heck, I can drink a gallon a day by myself. Sweet tea is a drug.
• Kid table - easy AND stress reducing. Just rip (screw) legs off and toss into the back of the car.
• Kid stuff - MY FAVORITE!!! I bought about $50 worth of Dollar Tree arts and craft supplies during the July 4th family gathering. I never had so much fun with pipe cleaners, googly eyes, foam shaped sticky things, scissors and glue. I think my nieces and nephews had fun too. When I wasn't pushing them out of my way and hoarding all the sparkly pieces for my project. Oh come on now, I didn't push them that hard. I think Nana and Mr. Grandpa need a collage of home-made turkey hands on their shiny new fridge.

Here's to hoping you have a Happy Thanksgiving and you get what you want out of the SOA finale. If Tig doesn't bite the big one or at least get severely maimed I think it will have a direct effect on my Green Bean Casserole. Then....my lovely Tig....YOUR ASS IS MINE!!!

How much is too much?

From the time the previews started airing in early summer, I knew I was going to watch Sons of Anarchy on FX. I'm a huge fan of Nip/Tuck and I assumed that SOA would be just as good as N/T and SOA was based on an m/c so I knew it would keep my attention.

(I am a member of an SMRO which is so very NOT anything like an m/c but I am down with motorcycles and brotherhood. I've read a few club books so I have an idea of m/c culture. An idea. No real clue because I've not been there, but an idea. Not trying to go there either. Mommy likey scoots is the point I'm trying to make here.)

I have so thoroughly enjoyed watching Sons of Anarchy this season. I had to watch the majority of this season by myself. After the show started in September, the husband shipped out to Texas for work. Unfortunately, he was without TV for a few weeks and when he finally did get moved into a TV friendly area, no FX so he's not been able to keep up with the show. Poor husband, he really missed out. He's been home for two episodes now and he's so sorry he missed out. We'll be renting the series on Netflix for sure.

So I watched the majority of the series by myself, completely immersed. No pesky husband bothering me, talking/asking questions when I'm trying to listen, no nudge-nudge, wink-wink. Just me and SAMCRO all cuddled up in the bed every Wednesday night at 10:00 pm. Sometimes I'd watch again at 11:00 pm. I usually watch reruns on hulu.com too...just to be sure I didn't miss anything important.

And there are many plot lines to follow but the one that has struck me the most is Opie and Donna. I've always thought about how potentially difficult it could be to raise a family in an m/c. Opie just pulled 5 years in jail and has returned home to do-it-all Donna and two kids. Opie landed in jail because a brother-turned-rat testified against him. (wicked revenge on said rat ensues - WICKED I tell you!!) Donna is pissed because she sees that she lost her husband to the club's business and consequence. I'm sure the club helped her out when she needed it, Gemma bought her some groceries at least once this season. But basically Donna hates the club.

Opie walks the fine line upon arriving at home. Working a "real" job at the mill. The job he hates. The job that barely puts money on the table. Opie comes around the m/c in a limited capacity, minding his parole status to keep out of trouble.

Opie struggles. He loves Donna and his children, he has a burning desire to take care of them and make up for the last 5 years he's been gone. Opie has the uncomfortable "do I still fit in here" vibe both at home and at the m/c. In a manly way, Opie shares his struggle with Jax and they have some (what I like to call) bro-mantic conversations.

Bills are falling behind, Donna continues to bitch about money and the club. Donna starts packing her shit telling Opie she's leaving, she can't take it anymore. "It's me and the kids or the club."

And Opie opens up the dam on her....and I get all big-eyed and lean forward...

Opie lets his quiet rage open to Donna and he tells her he's not leaving the club. He is a brother and he loves his club. He is a father and he loves his children. He is a husband and he loves his wife. That's why he does all these things, love and income. Opie pretty much tells her, "I love you, I love my kids, I love my club. The club puts good money on the table. The club makes me happy, it's where I belong. I do these things to take care of you and the kids. I LOVE YOU AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT THEN YOU CAN LEAVE." Opie then plops down a fat envelope of cash on the kitchen table and leaves.

I. So. Swoon. Hooray Opie! Hooray love! Hooray for love from a big ol' burly biker.

Then that ATF bitch screws every damn thing up. Oh how I loathe her. I giggled with GLEE when Otto dribbled her head like a basketball on the interrogation room table. Best basketball game I ever saw.

ATF bitch sets up Opie to look like he's ratted on the club. Balls-out set up at that. Swoops the whole family up to some kind of witness protection program clearing house center, pays off huge chunks of debt for Opie. Opie and Donna stand together strong against the ATF and are eventually allowed to return home. Opie goes home with a bug in his cell phone and his truck. Tig finds said bugs, tells Clay and the two of them are convinced Opie's ratting and decide to knock off Opie.

AFTER Opie saves Tig's (WORTHLESS!!) hide in a transaction gone wrong and pops a cap in a dude's ass to keep Tig (who is scared of DOLLS!) from taking a bullet in the head, Tig has the nerve to DRAW a shot in the back of Opie's head but can't do it. Opie just saved his life.

I don't remember what Tig told Clay about the failed hit but they decide to try again later that evening after Abel's welcome home party.

As Opie and Donna are leaving the party, Donna decides she wants to stay and help Gemma clean up. Opie agrees to take the kids home. They switch cars.

I'm yelling, "No! No! Don't switch cars!! Don't LEAVE. Stay at the party!!" Of course they don't listen to me and Donna gets machine gunned down by Tig as she's driving Opie's truck to the store to buy some cleaning supplies.

I am so heartbroken. Opie and Donna were in a good place. Their love and commitment to family AND CLUB was just reaffirmed. Written in stone and carved in ink. DAMMIT MAN!!

Oh I was so upset. I was trying not to cry, I could tell the ugly cry was coming on. My throat grew a huge ball in it, eyes watered, nose got runny. I was trying to stay quiet so I could hear the TV (oh yeah....it's just TV) but they started playing that damn sad music and I just quit fighting. Tears rolled.

They cut to a scene of Tig and he was bleeding from his forehead (more like a FIVEhead) and husband said, "He shot himself!" and I just blurted out a crying "GOOD!"

I still think about it. Stupid ATF Lady, bastard Tig, shithead Clay. ARG!

And this morning on the way to work...I saw a car just like Donna's and all those feelings rushed back. Dammit. It's JUST A TV SHOW!

Judging from next week's previews I don't think Tig shot himself but I do believe Jax will be doing some serious avenging next week.

Is it Wednesday yet?

So easy, a child could use it

I had some time to kill yesterday afternoon so Junior and I stopped by my parents' house on the way home. While Mom was digging thru her beads Junior found a small calculator with a key ring on it. Mom said he could have it and Junior was very pleased with Nana AND his find.

He started playing "scheduler" immediately. "It's my scheduler Mama!" How in the hell does this child have the word scheduler in his vocabulary? He's three and can't find his shoes most of the time.

We still had to stop by the grocery store so we didn't stay at Nana and Mr. Grandpa's house too long. We make it to the (second!) grocery store stop and as I'm walking Junior down the meat isle, I noticed he was sitting in the buggy, holding his "scheduler" near his mouth and saying, "Milk, eggs, butter."



He forgot the juice but I give him a solid 10 for presentation and form.

So the big question is.....does this behavior present itself due to:

• Bad parenting / too much TV
• Good marketing / irritating commercials!!
• Good imagination / at least he wasn't licking the damned cart handle (again, UGH!)

I'm settling for D, all of the above. Trust me, if you knew Junior and he was your charge for more than 30 minutes....you'd go with D too!

Moose Shooter

Freakin' AWESOME! Not only did Amy Poehler knock it out of the park but she did it VERY knocked up! So glad I stayed up to watch, I really enjoyed it. Here's the words so you can sing along. NEED MP3 version for player!!!

one two three

my name is sarah palin you all know me
vice president nominee of the gop
gonna need your vote in the next election
can i get a ‘what what’ from the senior section
mccain got experience, mccain got style
but don’t let him freak you out when he tries to smile
cause that smile be creepy
but when i be vp
all the leaders in the world gonna finally meet me

how’s it go eskimo
eskimos
tell me what you know eskimo
eskimos
how you feel eskimo
ice cold
tell me tell me what you feel eskimo
super cold

i’m jeremiah wright cause tonight i’m the preacher
i got a bookish look and you’re all hot for teacher
todd lookin fine on his snow machine
so hot boy gonna need a go between
in wasilla we just chill baby chilla
but when i see oil lets drill baby drill

my country tis of thee
from my porch i can see
russia and such

all the mavericks in the house put your hands up
all the mavericks in the house put your hands up
all the plumbers in the house pull your pants up
all the plumbers in the house pull your pants up

when i say ‘obama’ you say ‘ayers’
obama. ayers. obama. ayers.
i built me a bridge - it ain’t goin’ nowhere.
[ohhh]

mccain, palin, gonna put the nail in the coffin
of the media elite
she likes red meat
shoot a mother humpin moose, eight days of the week

[three gunshots]
now ya dead, now ya dead,
cause i’m an animal, and i’m bigger than you
holdin a shotgun walk in the pub
everybody party, we’re goin on a hunt
la la la la la la la la
[six gunshots]

yo i'm palin, i’m out