Is this what it feels like?

To be a grown up, I mean.

There's been a tree crew clearing up around the power lines outside my office all day and not one single time have I had a daydream / fantasy about that lovely wood chipper they're using!

Breakin' the Law

Murphy's Law isn't always right.

Sometimes the toast does not land butter side down.

Once in a great while, you will actually catch the toast as it's falling.

With your left hand.

Sure it rained crumbs in a pretty sweet arc pattern.

But you caught the toast.

WINNER!!

Isn't it awesome to be a woman?

You know how you know your bastard calendar is telling you your Special Gift from Mother Nature is only 5 days away - not that you need that crappy calendar, your hurty boobs and poor attitude is clear signal....

But you're at work, trapped in your paneled-wall cocoon, super pissed off that you didn't pack any Halloween candy in your bag today because "you don't really need it"  (DIE, Jiminy Cricket, DIE!!  Stupid conscious.), it's Monday, you had to WALK back to the office in the COLD to drop off a stupidly damaged pickup truck and check someone's PRECIOUS FREAKIN' MAIL before you can do any of your duties you were hired to do, and could it BE any HOTTER in this WORK HOLE OF DEATH and NO CHOCOLATE??!!

You remember the watermelon gum.  You dig into your purse for that sacred bag of mints and gum because DAMMIT if you don't have something sweet RIGHT FREAKIN' NOW, your day is going to end with the flash bang of the SWAT team...

And you find THREE mini-size candy bars, glowing in their deliciousness....I am woman!  Hear me munch!!

Suck it hormones, I WIN!!  Yes, I still win, even when I'm laying in the floor surrounded by candy wrappers.

I am afraid. Very afraid.

I just put my frozen lunch in the microwave.  As I shut the door and pressed start, I remembered I put on a pot of pinto beans for dinner when I left the house this morning.

This is my lunch:

I totally called it!

Dirty words.  I played in the Zen Garden this morning; after swishing, swirling and moving rocks, I ended up with the word FART written in the sand and a pile of rocks to the side.  I'd show you a photo but I left the camera in the car like a dumbass.  (We're a one car family, I only get to drive Monday - Thursday.  I'm a good driver, I can drive on the driveway real good.  And the sidewalk even better!)

I can't even post Junior's photo from his first morning at kindergarten.  Sweet, sweet release, thy name is KINDERGARTEN!!  He's been bugging us all summer to go and when hubs and I delivered him to his classroom this morning we were pretty much dismissed by his small, brown "SHOO!!" hand.

So....in other news, I think the Bible has an error in it.  Forget war, famine and pestilence, I'm pretty sure the first sign of the Apocalypse is my uterus falling out.  Why does getting older have to be such a pain in the ass?  And why, after all these lovely menses years, does my period show up DIFFERENT every freakin' time?  This time around it seems that the tall Y grass in the yard of our un-cut lawn has burrowed itself under my cranky skin.

Don't forget we have a spare lot too.  Full of effing TALL Y GRASS.

RAGE!  I has it, now please pass the Midol!!

Exit 99:  I figured out what all of that oriental-like spam in my comments was about.  They were mostly in Chinese and all trying to sell penis pills.  Awesome.  I'm still not going to moderate (too lazy for that) but at least Blogger seems to have improved controlling unmoderated comments.  I'll try to remember to translate some of them for you next time they show up.  In case you're interested in that kind of stuff.  (Someone please tell me why the internet is controlled/censored in China but they can still spam the crap out of you trying to get you to buy medicine for your hot rocket love needs to please her?)  (And after all these years, how come the internet STILL doesn't know I don't have a penis?)

Finding Zen, a.k.a. Killing Printers

My brother gave me a Zen Garden (contains; rake, sand, rocks and garden tray) (their semicolon, not mine) for my birthday.  He thinks I deserve some sand of my own to play in since I'm George the Monkey Cat's designated turd scooper.  He's nice like that.  My nephew even brought me a sparkly driveway rock to add to it.

(Cat Side Note:  Why does my cat act like I'm stealing from her when I'm cleaning out the litter box?  I'm serious, she pats my arms down, shakes my collector bag and looks at me as if to say, "Where are you going with my babies?!!?  I made those you know.  I put them there for a reason!"  Anyone else's cat/s do this?)

(Crazy Cat Lady Side Note:  Did I really just blog about cat poop?)

I finally took the garden out of the box today.  I was expecting a bright burst of light into an exploding moment of enlightenment only to be met with the Styrofoam Floaty of Static Clingy-ness and a packet of silica gel giving me the stink eye.   My first thought was "I'm going to need more sand."  When I released the trapped sand from it's tiny confines of a zip lock bag it did pour out to be enough.  Clearly my perspective is off (and not just about sand).  I'm so out of whack lately that I had to look up images on how to play with this thing.  

So I'm going to work on it.  Real hard.  And I do hope to find some zen.  It's been a long, hot summer, my brain is fried and my heart is a bit hurty.  

Who wants to start a pool on how long (or short) it will take me to knock said garden off my desk, therefore puking it's falling guts into my printer?  Anyone?  Bueller?  Bueller?

Crappy Birthday, America!

7:30ish, George the Monkey Cat is meowing loudly.

I tell him, "Junior!  Go feed your cat!!"

He jumps up out of our bed to tend to his cat duties.

"Dad!  DAD!  DAD!!!" he yells.

Junior has just learned the power of the shart.

I get to the bathroom and it's just as amazing as it is disgusting.  Remember that spinning paint toy from when we were kids?  It was just like that but brown.

 

Rough way to start the morning, and before the coffee was made!  Junior did come up to me later in the morning and apologize.  "I'm sorry I pooped in the floor, mom."

"Its ok buddy, I know the medicine you're taking for your ear infection is upsetting your tummy."

"Yeah, it makes my poop lazy."

**********

I spent the morning making watermelon ice cream.  It came out great!

I also made three pies:  Strawberry and Keylime Weight Watchers pies and a Texas Lemon pie.  I spent the previous day in the kitchen as well.  I was tired so I took a nap.

When I woke up from my nap I thought it felt hot in here so I went to check the thermostat.  It was set to 72 but read 78.  Great, now on top of the problems we're having with the water heater, we now have a cooling problem.

On the plus side, we're having some fantastic weather so we're not roasting to death in a muggy house.

******************

Cut to this evening, just after we'd finished being entertained by the whistling, exploding, smoking display of our hard earned-easily burned money, trying to get everything put away and everyone inside.

I'm stacking chairs on the porch and Junior walks up.  "Hey mom, you remember this morning when I farted but I pooped instead?"

"Yeah buddy, I sure do."  And OMG, do I ever, it was awful!

"It happened again."

At least this time it was outside and I had a water hose nearby.

Icing on the Crappy Birthday America cake:  I had a nephew puking in the flower bed and a niece with diarrhea blowing up the main bathroom. 

p.s.  The ice cream was delicious.