I am afraid. Very afraid.

I just put my frozen lunch in the microwave.  As I shut the door and pressed start, I remembered I put on a pot of pinto beans for dinner when I left the house this morning.

This is my lunch:

Kid speak

I don't usually give Junior his bath, the husband does.  Sometimes Junior gets in a mood and doesn't want to work with his dad and he asks me to do it.  Sometimes I say yes, most of the time I make the two of them suffer through it together.

It had been a while since I'd bathed him so it was fun having to remember his bathing habits.

After taking care of All.  Of.  That.  Hair. and getting the "may doughs" (tomatoes) out of his ears, we rinse him off and I wrap his hair up to dry.  "It's a genie hat!!"  Then I'll wrap him up in his towel and heave all of his 40 something pounds of boy out of the tub.  Squirmy.

Because it is impossible to do anything the easy and direct way when you're four, Junior insists on standing on his stool to be dried off.  Whatever, it's forward progress and even though I am annoyed, I'll allow it.

I playfully pat his brown little face, rub down the left arm and then the right.  A quick shimmy along his belly and back and it's time to work on the lower limbs.  Junior sticks out an arm to lean against the wall and I grab a foot to squeeze out his toes, up his calf and as I dry the top of his thigh he always yells out

"DON'T FORGET THE UNDERLEG!!"

Please view this anatomy chart:

I don't see the Underleg labeled, do you?

You too Russ?

WARNING:  WOMAN POST

I am hating my body these days.  More specifically, I am hating my aging woman body.  

She is so tricky now.  What once was the norm is not even close to what she was:  normal, schedule-worthy, dependable, bitchy but tolerable.  Now she's turning into a cranky old hag.

I spent last week wondering if I should RUN!  DO NOT WALK!! to the nearest drug store so I could pee on a stick.  YO!  21 day Bitch!  WHERE ARE YOU???  Three weeks off, one on - let's go already!

Finally on Friday the boobs started aching and instead me feeling relief of not missing my favorite punctuation mark (.) I panicked because they usually ache the week before Aunt Flo shows up.   By Friday night, Flo was here and I was ever so happy to raise my glass to her appearance!

So she's here but she's different this time.  She gets a little more different every month now.  She's seriously pissing me off.  I hate her.  She makes me crazy.

I think she is rebelling because I made the change-up on her.  I did buy one of these and I actually use it.  My reasons were simple, low-maintenance but mostly related to the costs of her annual upkeep.  Oh yeah, for the tree-huggers - it's also Mother Earth friendly - NO TRASH!!  

She didn't seem to mind it the first time.  I think she laughed a little.  I know I laughed A LOT (all the way to the bank!).  When Diva and I met there was polite hand-shaking and awkward staring but we worked it out together.  And here we are at cycle two, Diva and I came together like old friends this time.  

I'm wondering if she's just giving me and Diva a hard time because outside of the cramping....me and Diva have pretty much tamed the savage beast.  No panicked trips to the store because even though I looked thru all the drawers and purses I can't find one single tampon.  No dragging of the "special bag" around.  No digging for quarters to buy a crappy tampon out of an even crappier tampon machine.

Let's back up to cramping for a minute.  Ladies, I'm not shitting you when I say my cramps are NOTHING now that Diva is around.  I hurt where I'm supposed to hurt, in my uterus and a little in my back.  

Before Diva, my whole body ached - specifically the tops of my thighs because I usually spent the week all tensed up from hurting.  And let's be honest ladies....your period stinks.  We all have a smell, but that time of the month with paper products just STINKS.  With Diva, there's nothing to stink up the place.  

I can not believe I have let myself suffer thru the tampon experience for 22+ years (holy crap that just made me feel REAL OLD).  And I hope you will consider bringing a Diva home for yourself.  My friend's daughter is graduating from high school this year and she's going into nursing.  I've got just enough shine on my brass balls to give her a Diva Cup for graduation.  I can not even imagine trying to care for the sickly when I'm worried about if I just "leaked" all over my scrubs or just having to worry about my period at all.  Diva is that awesome.

Um....so, yeah.  I just said all of that.  Out loud.  For all the internets to see.  Sheesh, with the big 20th high school reunion coming up and my latest Facebook activities.....yep, I can already feel the pointing and hear the quiet whispering, "You know what she wrote about on her blog!?"

But there's no way in hell you'd catch me wearing that little Diva pin out in public.  I do have some standards.

Boob Shaper

Good story about children finding adult things here.

Story also contains new (to me!) and interesting product.

If this concept has been around since the 30's....WHY THE HELL DIDN'T SOMEONE SAY SO??!!??

• I can save $120 PER YEAR on that area down there.
• I don't have to deal with that area down there except 2 or 3 times a day.
• No leaks!
• I don't have to carry drumsticks around with me.
• No more toilet panic. Will it flush???

As I noticed in Tanis' comments a lot of folks were all "eewww!" and some were even female "eewww"-ers. Clearly these folks did not watch "Dirty Oprah" a few weeks ago. I'm not all "do what Oprah says" and I really only watch her show once or twice a week. (Oprah airs the same time as my precious hottie, Hank Hill. Guess who wins most of the time?) But I saw the previews and the show did NOT disappoint.

And the show did hit pretty damn close to home. Controlling woman/mother and docile husband in couples therapy. (I know...mirror much, anyone?) They were part of some series on Showtime I think and it was very interesting to see a portion of what they went thru.

What I took from the show:

• I should let the husband drive (the car) more often. I believe the term used was "surrender control." Can you hear my ego being crushed from there?

Also, lots of folks don't pay attention to their bodies, the sexual parts. Or at least let on that they do. I know this Diva Cup thing will be something new to get used to and there will be lots of looking, poking and prodding in that area down there to get it right. Big deal. Everything has a learning curve.

Even when you took Driver's Ed - they put you in the seat with the wheel but the instructor still has a pedal on his side to brake-check your ass for driving thru empty parking spaces.

Old Dog, New Trick

I was just complaining to a friend the other day how much of a pain in the ass it is to fold tshirts. I just received a 5 dozen tshirt order and nearly broke my back hunched over folding the damn things up. My friend pointed me to this little gem:


How To Fold A T-Shirt In 2 Seconds - Explained

It cracks me up to hear the lovely British lady saying "Pinch One." I giggle and snort every. single. time. Yep, I'm my father's daughter.

For Pinch Three - be sure to cross your right arm UNDER your left arm. It took me a while to get that part but I finally made it work.

I'm so excited about this new trick that I may finally quit using all my closet space for tshirts on hangers. But there's no way in HELL I'll take back doing laundry from the husband's task list.