Victory: Take it where you can get it!

I ran office errands today. I usually do that on Wednesdays but the tree service was there and I was going to have to move the truck anyways....

I parked at the garden center entrance to Walmart.  I went in all renegade-style without a cart.  I picked up hand soap (only a few isles over), salt and pepper (cross majority of store, taking the scenic route through the small appliances to ogle the crock pots), lunch (frozen, almost to the farthest wall of the store) and a pack of toilet paper (apocalypse '72' size).  Then walked aaaaall the way back across the store to the garden center check out.

I am SO counting that as exercise.

Even though getting in to The Walmart via the garden center is a piece of cake, getting out is always interesting.  Due to my shortness, and the underwhelming desire to stand on the brake pedal with one foot, lift/stand with the other leg and contort around in a 360 degree "Is it safe?  Can I move this truck without hitting anything?" view, I will go out of my way to park alone and take a long walk to the store.  I did that today, pulling through into the top parking spot so my big, black pintle hitch hangs into the bottom spot.  Alone.  If I knew it would work, I'd pee on the tires so no one would park around me and my Giant Company Pickup Truck of Paranoia.

Of course, 79% of the time (estimated*) some small car will park next to me making it IMPOSSIBLE for me to pull out of my space the direction I prefer to exit (varies by location).  Today's friendly small car parked on the right side, exactly in the direction I wanted to leave.  Paranoia truck runs away from danger, just like the elephant and mouse.  I exit to the left and I didn't want to make a tight turn into the next isle over so I opt for the next one.

Holy crap, it's the LAST isle.  The access road, the way to the freedom of Main Street is guarded by a long, grassy island.  The island comes to a sharp, pointy end that looks like it has just enough evil in it to take strike out and leave a nasty rub on the tire.  I squinted hard to concentrate, hell I might have even closed one eye but I did it.  A little to the left and a hard swing right, I cleared the pointy island end, even without molesting the space in the empty oncoming traffic lane.  Too badly.  OK.  The lane was empty so of course, I drove the hell all over it.

I'm SO counting that as kick-ass pickup truck driving.

*No math was harmed, or performed, in this post.

It's getting better

I have a few nicks in my mouth from all the damned gum chewing gone amiss.  I wanted a smoke SO BAD after dinner last night that I put my shoes on and just walked it off.  I did three laps up and down our road.

I have to spend tomorrow with the bossman.  He's pretty ai'ght for the most part, but if he thinks he's going to test me, I'll drop his wheel in the ditch.  Then we'll compare notes on who is being the funniest.  I'm pretty sure I'll win.  Or need cab money.

I can feel my nerve endings regrowing.

I'm not in jail!

No one in my family has been injured or maimed at my doing.  I remain smoke free.  My last smoke was Saturday evening around 11:10 pm.

I did have behavioral cravings (driving the car, taking a break during kitchen cleanup) and time CRAWLED Sunday but overall, I did very, very well.  I did not stuff my face but I did do a lot of pacing, searching for something to do when I was restless.

Mya (the dog) is pretty disappointed with me.  She kept looking at me as if to say, "Will you COME ON!!  We need to go outside for a smoke!  I gotta pee!!"  Before I quit, If she saw me digging in my purse or touch a pack of smokes, she knew she was going outside.  You could ask her, "You wanna go smoke?" and she'd "beat drums" on the floor until you got close enough to the door to open it.  I did finally go outside with her around 6:30 to play Eat Traffic Cones.

Today, at the office, is going to be hard.  It's almost 10:00 and usually, that's my first smoke break.  10, 12 and 3.

Four Zero

Today is the day.  I have two packs of smokes left.  40 sticks.  And I'm done.  Done smoking.

I never filled my Chantix prescription...the one I got from my doctor LAST OCTOBER.  I was pretty concerned about the "vivid dream" deal.  I've been having some crazy dreams lately and I'm too paranoid to add anything else to what my brain is already doing.

Will and Power???  I'm seeking you!

Also, I may need bail money at some point over the next few weeks.  Weaks?

I need some Depends

I got my 500 DOLLA from here. Now GO! Get you some too!! And DO try taking the Crystal Light challenge. I spent $8 last week and I'm back on a good Drink Your Damned Water Routine. My fingers don't have that puffy/bloaty feeling and I lost 3 lbs last week. Oh yeah...and I WON 500 DOLLA!!!

And read Lindsay's regular blog too. She's funny, smart and honest and no, I'm not kissing her ass. That hard. Also, she looks like the brunette version of my favorite blonde (in more ways than one) New Jersey girlfriend, Ycart.

Let's try something new

I don't always have my *stuff* together in the mornings.  This usually results with me buying and eating unhealthly (but tasty, cheesey or fried) lunches.  I actually spend money to make my ass large(r) at least 4 days a week, 4 weeks a month, 12 months a year!!

Well I did have my stuff together this morning.  Junior and I left the house at 7:00 and went straight to Wally World.  I have food, mostly good food, here at the office!

I'm trying out this new sammich bread.  It's different.  It's small.  It doesn't get all bready when you're eating a sammich.  I like it.  It made a lovely turkey, provolone and romaine lettuce sammich.  AND....5 grams of fiber in them there 2 slices.

I've been liking this new juice:

I discovered it during basketball season.  We had to drop in the grocery store to get more Gatorade.  I wanted something to drink besides another soda or more freakin' water.  I saw the strawberry, cantaloupe and watermelon on the front and decided to give it a try.  It's actually pretty tasty but does have a bit of wang on the aftertaste.   The six pack sells for $5.99

 but today, after the VACATIONING LOCUSTS raided our store, there was only singles left.  Singles are $1.50 and that really chapped my hide.  I did buy 2 so I'd at least have one for tomorrow too.  Side note to the "slenderize" on this label:  Kiss.  My.  Ass.  I like you for your melons and 20 calories (versus a soda).  

I picked up a box of Nutri-Grain cereal bars in strawberry.  Wow, I didn't know I could be so disappointed in $2.50 of strawberry.  The filling is too sweet and there's not enough "cereal", the ratio is way off.  

I will probably try to sell these to Junior.  They're sweet enough for his taste and they are individually wrapped...also to his taste.  He can't read so I'm pretty sure if I tell him it's a cookie, he'll believe me.  

I picked up a package of celery.  I'm the only one who will eat it at the house.  I forgot I was taking this celery to the office and did not remember to pick up any peanut butter.  Which is OK, I ate a rib of celery with my sammich to replace the chip CRUNCH that is so satisfying to enjoy while eating a sammich.  I don't know why the boys have such a hard time with celery.  It's loud 

and crunchy, good celery quenches your thirst as you eat it and it has no calories!  I think I even heard some kind of BS that celery has negative calories.  

Oprah and Dr. Oz are always talking about how awesome nuts are for you.  I love me some almonds so instead of going for the salty wasabi ones, I picked up the all natural ones.  And I could not believe how tasty they were!  These are SO GOOD and when I added 28 of them to my lunch plate, I did not miss french fries or potato chips at all.

So maybe if I eat like this 4 days a week, 4 weeks a month, 12 months a year I'll lose 5 pounds.  Or just save all that dining out cash and get it all sucked out....

Is it just me?

I occasionally watch the show The Doctors.  Occasionally.  More specifically if there's nothing on the Speed Channel or if nobody is showing King of the Hill episodes.

I am extremely annoyed by the guy who always wears scrubs.  Dude, you piss me off when you come to work in your PJs.  I'm at work and I am not wearing PJs.  

The plastic surgeon guy is very plastic.  He's prissy but tolerable.

The nerdly doctor in the coat just seems like he's the designated middle child.

The chick doctor is the Gyno.  Every time I watch the show I can't help but flash back to The Dark Crystal.  You guys seen that movie?  I think my parents still own a VHS copy of it.  It's a good movie and if your kids aren't too young or too old, they'll like it too.

Back to the doctor chick - here's her photo:

And then I think about how much she looks like Kira:

And if I came across said doctor looking like a Gelfing...I'd be RUNNING out of that office because you must be THIS TALL to convince me to sit in stirrups while you check out my goodies.

You too Russ?

WARNING:  WOMAN POST

I am hating my body these days.  More specifically, I am hating my aging woman body.  

She is so tricky now.  What once was the norm is not even close to what she was:  normal, schedule-worthy, dependable, bitchy but tolerable.  Now she's turning into a cranky old hag.

I spent last week wondering if I should RUN!  DO NOT WALK!! to the nearest drug store so I could pee on a stick.  YO!  21 day Bitch!  WHERE ARE YOU???  Three weeks off, one on - let's go already!

Finally on Friday the boobs started aching and instead me feeling relief of not missing my favorite punctuation mark (.) I panicked because they usually ache the week before Aunt Flo shows up.   By Friday night, Flo was here and I was ever so happy to raise my glass to her appearance!

So she's here but she's different this time.  She gets a little more different every month now.  She's seriously pissing me off.  I hate her.  She makes me crazy.

I think she is rebelling because I made the change-up on her.  I did buy one of these and I actually use it.  My reasons were simple, low-maintenance but mostly related to the costs of her annual upkeep.  Oh yeah, for the tree-huggers - it's also Mother Earth friendly - NO TRASH!!  

She didn't seem to mind it the first time.  I think she laughed a little.  I know I laughed A LOT (all the way to the bank!).  When Diva and I met there was polite hand-shaking and awkward staring but we worked it out together.  And here we are at cycle two, Diva and I came together like old friends this time.  

I'm wondering if she's just giving me and Diva a hard time because outside of the cramping....me and Diva have pretty much tamed the savage beast.  No panicked trips to the store because even though I looked thru all the drawers and purses I can't find one single tampon.  No dragging of the "special bag" around.  No digging for quarters to buy a crappy tampon out of an even crappier tampon machine.

Let's back up to cramping for a minute.  Ladies, I'm not shitting you when I say my cramps are NOTHING now that Diva is around.  I hurt where I'm supposed to hurt, in my uterus and a little in my back.  

Before Diva, my whole body ached - specifically the tops of my thighs because I usually spent the week all tensed up from hurting.  And let's be honest ladies....your period stinks.  We all have a smell, but that time of the month with paper products just STINKS.  With Diva, there's nothing to stink up the place.  

I can not believe I have let myself suffer thru the tampon experience for 22+ years (holy crap that just made me feel REAL OLD).  And I hope you will consider bringing a Diva home for yourself.  My friend's daughter is graduating from high school this year and she's going into nursing.  I've got just enough shine on my brass balls to give her a Diva Cup for graduation.  I can not even imagine trying to care for the sickly when I'm worried about if I just "leaked" all over my scrubs or just having to worry about my period at all.  Diva is that awesome.

Um....so, yeah.  I just said all of that.  Out loud.  For all the internets to see.  Sheesh, with the big 20th high school reunion coming up and my latest Facebook activities.....yep, I can already feel the pointing and hear the quiet whispering, "You know what she wrote about on her blog!?"

But there's no way in hell you'd catch me wearing that little Diva pin out in public.  I do have some standards.

GAME ON SUCKA!!

The winter ping pong season has started.  Being a bit fluffy and allergic to most things known as "exercise" I dig the pong.  Pong makes me move, jump around, curse, sweat and think.  The crushing of small plastic balls with paddles is really good for a girl's (is ego appropriate here?) (let's settle for something nice instead) winter exercise needs.  

The husband and I play at the neighbors' house.  Our neighbors have the best toys.  There must be some kind of toy quality/quantity ratio that becomes greater the older you get - directionally proportionate to your children growing up and move out/away.  OH MAN!!!  I can't wait to have awesome toys too!  

The women got off to a good start, despite being R-U-S-T-Y.  We won the first night of play but haven't done too well since.  The ladies don't play as often as the men folk do.  The men compete often because that's what boys do ya' know?  The women usually have their bitch-asses in the kitchen making pies.  Or not.  

We usually play women versus men because it's more fun that way and there's no fighting afterwards - just gloating.  The men are rather husbandly about their wins, just enough gloat to say "We won!" (and Please don't poison our dinner because we did win, please!?) Wives show no mercy.  Copious amounts of gloating ensue if the women win.  Us women tend to go for the throat (or lower) when we win.  

I can't think of many things that are more gratifying than busting their collective asses so when the ladies do win, it's awesome.  And quite often, in the middle of a match, if we're winning - I can hear "FINISH HIM!" in my mind.  And I just go crazy.  I get full-on possessed by the pong demons.  Sometimes they let me win but sometimes they get all backed up in there and I beat myself with very bad and greedy plays.

January and February are pretty damn drab at the beach.  Coldest time of year (for the beach - it's a real bitch compared to Minnesota, or so I hear.  Ha!).  I'm so glad it's pong season so we don't go stir crazy!  So what are YOU going to do for the next two months?  

Boob Shaper

Good story about children finding adult things here.

Story also contains new (to me!) and interesting product.

If this concept has been around since the 30's....WHY THE HELL DIDN'T SOMEONE SAY SO??!!??

• I can save $120 PER YEAR on that area down there.
• I don't have to deal with that area down there except 2 or 3 times a day.
• No leaks!
• I don't have to carry drumsticks around with me.
• No more toilet panic. Will it flush???

As I noticed in Tanis' comments a lot of folks were all "eewww!" and some were even female "eewww"-ers. Clearly these folks did not watch "Dirty Oprah" a few weeks ago. I'm not all "do what Oprah says" and I really only watch her show once or twice a week. (Oprah airs the same time as my precious hottie, Hank Hill. Guess who wins most of the time?) But I saw the previews and the show did NOT disappoint.

And the show did hit pretty damn close to home. Controlling woman/mother and docile husband in couples therapy. (I know...mirror much, anyone?) They were part of some series on Showtime I think and it was very interesting to see a portion of what they went thru.

What I took from the show:

• I should let the husband drive (the car) more often. I believe the term used was "surrender control." Can you hear my ego being crushed from there?

Also, lots of folks don't pay attention to their bodies, the sexual parts. Or at least let on that they do. I know this Diva Cup thing will be something new to get used to and there will be lots of looking, poking and prodding in that area down there to get it right. Big deal. Everything has a learning curve.

Even when you took Driver's Ed - they put you in the seat with the wheel but the instructor still has a pedal on his side to brake-check your ass for driving thru empty parking spaces.

Wildcat

According to the youniverse, I'm a wildcat.

Be sure to take the test. It's interesting and the photos are nice. They have a bunch of other tests as well.

Yes, my bedroom is messy but I was being honest. That's how it is, not how I would like it to be. I'm pretty sure the closet, dresser and laundry hamper have these parties at the house during the day when we're all out. They raid the liquor cabinet, lay out my clothes and shoes in various combinations (most likely they're mocking me) then vomit all over the damn floor. Lazy bastards.

I am getting older.

And I'm not just getting older, I'm getting fatter. Technically I'm not getting fatter - the scale stays around the same range but I'm FAR from the good side of healthy.

I went to the GYN yesterday. I hadn't been in forever, like a good 10 years forever. (If it ain't broke, don't fix it?) So not only did I get to experience that loveliness of a pelvic exam, I was warned about my blood pressure.

My blood pressure!!! I feel like I caught it from all the guys here at work - all the management I work with take a pill and a good plenty of the field guys do too. But I know I did it to myself. Junk in equals junk out, right?

And today, when I tried to get my Dr. Phil/quit being a dumbass fix....he's doing the weight loss thing again. DAMMIT! My health is screaming at me from everywhere. I took the quiz and I scored a -1. MINUS ONE. According to this test, anything below a score of 24 was not good. Minus. One. GAH! You can take the test and see info here.

So tonight when I get home, I will finally complete our move. We've been in the house 2 years now and the last boxes to unpack are my books. Guess what's hiding in the books? My barely used Dr. Phil Weight Loss Challenge book.