I learned it by watching YOU!!

From: Dad

To: Jocelyn

Sent: Wednesday, May 20, 2009 9:13:23 AM

Subject: Cat

The other morning I was conferring with a Professional Cat Rassler.  He was telling me his cat died because he didn’t have any lemon juice.  In order to keep my cat from suffering the same demise, I was wondering if you knew of any ideas to get lemon juice in my cat.  Any and all ideas will be considered.  Thanks.

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From: Jocelyn

To: Dad

Sent: Wednesday, May 20, 2009 9:38:23 AM

Subject: Re: Cat

Professional Cat Rassler?  Please tell me he had an eye patch and a hook hand?  A professional would have some sort of battle scar(s), right?

 

What the heck are you supposed to do with the lemon? TO THE CAT???!!  And live??

 

The only thing I've seen is that cats HATE citrus so you can leave orange/lemon/lime peels in the garden to keep em out.  (We use this for the a$$hole cat across the street who LOVES to lay in the neighbors' gardens.)  And make a spray for stuff you don't want the cat to shred up.  Or you can make home made lemon spray to kill fleas on the cat.

 

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/2758/lessons_you_can_teach_your_cat.html 

 

http://www.ehow.com/how_4796738_flea-medicine-cats.html 

 

If you are going to try to get the lemon into the cat I would suggest investing/building a miniaturizer to make the lemon much smaller and make it taste like his food.  Also, I would shrink Tahlee's claws or buy some of those falconer gloves.  Maybe a whole body suit??

 

Is he eating MORE plants?  I found this link to make a spray to put on plants so the cat won't keep trying to eat them.

http://www.myhealthycat.com/plants-poisonous-to-cats.html

 

Dammit, I'm supposed to be concentrating on work.  Now all I can think about is CATS AND LEMONS!!  

 

(Junior finally told Husband TO HIS FACE that he wanted a cat.  Maybe Husband will cave and Junior will stop trying to take Tahlee from you.)

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From: Jocelyn  

Sent: Wednesday, May 20, 2009 12:27 PM

To: Dad

Subject: Fw: Cat

 

Ok, I'm still waiting to hear back from you.  It's been 3 hours and I really need to know how and why you need to combine cats and lemons.

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From: Dad

To: Jocelyn

Sent: Wednesday, May 20, 2009 1:27:10 PM

Subject: RE: Cat

Your youngest spawn was telling me about his cat.  He died because he was lacking the Sacred Lemon Juice.  Ask him when you see him this afternoon.  He will give all the needed information.

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From: Jocelyn  

To: Dad

Sent: Wednesday, May 20, 2009 1:51:15 PM

Subject: Re: Cat

Oh crap!!  It's times like these I am SO GLAD I'm in this rat hole office BY MYSELF.  I have laughed until I cried over this one. I also had to take a call from one of my bosses in the middle of my laugh/cry fest without sounding crazier than he thinks I already am.  Fun times!!

I was really concerned for Tahlee.  I know he's been gnawing on the spider plant and was wondering if he had been sampling the rest of the "salad buffet."  And wondering how in the world you'd crossed paths with a "Professional Cat Rassler" in the first place. It's not like the use a lot of cranes in their training, ya know?

Junior is on the lemon juice kick because he's been watching me squeeze lemon into my water glass.  He will certainly need an eye patch and a hook hand if he tries to feed lemons to Tahlee!!  And yes, I would totally watch that show(down)!!

Roomba Cat

Dear Mom and Dad,

You have a video camera. You have three animals at home: a cat and two dogs that very strangely resemble your children's personalities and the pets arrived in the same damn order that your children did. (so very weird!)

You have a new home. With all that new floor. Tons-o-floor.

If you don't get a Roomba and then make videos to amuse me....I'm kidnapping the cat and leaving Junior with you.

Could I be any more scattered today?

I have zero focus today. Zero focus to task anyway.

I haven't had any pepper jack cheese in a while so I bought an 8 oz block yesterday along with some wheat crackers. Very tasty. I sat and read all the stuff in my reader and managed to eat almost 3 ounces of cheese without blinking an eye. How the hell does that happen? And what kind of price will I pay for that? I was going to make spaghetti for dinner but I think I might need to "Eat Fresh" and have spinach salad for dinner. Cheese shots and a spinach chaser should stop any ... stoppages from eating too much cheese.


I'm having a Weight Watchers Smart Ones for lunch. Home Style Beef Pot Roast. This is one of my favorites and today it seems to have a billion carrots in it. I don't have a problem eating carrots but DAMN, can I get a few more green beans to balance out all the damned orange? There's only 8 green beans. 8!! Also, it's 2:00, a little past lunch time but I did have to wait for the cheese to go down a bit and I didn't really get hungry until now.


Getting hungry. With all the doctor business and test results and needing to lose weight - it cracks me up when I DO get hungry because for a long time, I didn't wait to get hungry to eat. I just ate. "That looks good, I'm going to eat it." Terrible way to live folks. It's not terrible, it is actually quite tasty, it's just not right. I'm getting reacquainted with "hungry."


I ran into an old friend at Walmart yesterday. She told me of a classmate's passing and that was not fun. He was only 37, just a few weeks older than me. Left behind a wife and two kids. I can't imagine how horrible that must be to survive your husband passing so soon in life. There must be a ton of paperwork to deal with. He had some time in the military so hopefully his widow got one of those "I'm here to help you thru this" guys. I know I had not seen him since high school so the picture in my mind was very different from his obit photo. He looked VERY foreign from my mind's eye. I wonder how the class of 89 will look when we have the next reunion - twenty years later.


I think Junior had a good Halloween. Husband is still out of town so that left the two of us to celebrate (the big boys went to a lock-in at the church). Our neighbors joined us for the walk up and down the street for Trick or Treating. Only 4 houses were open/on/passing out candy and that was a real bummer. A bummer for me, Junior still doesn't quite know the difference. He had a much better time giving out candy. We did manage to get a whole 11ish kids by the house. I counted the kids as they walked up the driveway and gave Junior the goodie bags to pass out. As soon as I opened the door he would ask, "WHAT YOU NAME?" and if they didn't answer - he just kept asking until they'd eek out a reply. He'd toss their treat in the sack and say, "Happy Halloween" and everyone was happy.


Mr. Tat Cat kicked the bucket last week. He'd been acting "off" and he was either 15 or 16, pretty damned old for a cat who lived outside. He spent a day or two sleeping in my bed, highly affectionate in his final days so I was not caught completely off guard when the neighbor called. She found him in her backyard, one of his favorite places to be. We buried him under the nicest tree in the spare lot. Thanks for the good times Tat, you'll be missed.


Falling back always makes me happy. This is the one time of year I feel rested. The clock is my friend, it's not yelling at me to get the hell out of the bed and on with your day! I feel awake when it's time to wake up. Junior passed out before I could get him in the bathtub (How's that "I'm NOT taking a nap!" program working for you NOW sucker!?) last night so I had to get him up early to get the stink off of him. He was pleasant this morning until I put raisins in his oatmeal. As I was trying to shower and get dressed he came in about 48 times to tell me, "No raisins, MOM!" To which I replied, "I'm sorry, you'll just have to eat around the raisins." The first time. The other 47 times I shooed him out and told him to go eat. When it was time to leave the house the oatmeal AND raisins were gone. Ha ha! You ate it.


Carl Edwards kicked some ass in Texas yesterday. Serious ass. His gas/math nerds earned their money. I hope he does well at Atlanta too. I do not want to see JJ get 3 in a row. That'd just be rude. I worked in the house a lot during the race but the last 50 or so laps I was glued to the tv. Damn good race. Thanks Carl!

Careful what you wish for missy!

So Hanna is now coming RIGHT FOR US in Southeastern North Carolina. I don't believe this is my fault, but I will apologize just in case it is. The latest report has the eye aimed right at my town.

Yes, I'm nervous. There's a storm a commin' from out yonder. But I am so, so glad it is. I need my guys to know they'll have jobs for a while. Work has been so slow, dreadful slow that they're all starting to get panicky. I don't want to work with panicky men, they get whiny and slack off their paperwork. They also get pretty short-fused and start with the in-fighting and bickering. Boys are dumb like that.

I get to spend my lunch hour today shopping for hurricane supplies at Walmart. Woo hoo! Cheese and peanut butter crackers for everyone! Husband is going to take care of the outside stuff at home tonight, I'll be doing the same at Memaw's house after work.

We had a test run for the cats last night. Tahlee was all pressed up against the front door when Mr. Tat Cat decided he was coming inside for a while (I reckon he's starting to feel the cool nights in his bones). Tahlee hid behind the recliner when Tat came in to drink water from the community bowl (just inside at the front door, cats and dog both use it). Tat was drinking away and Tahlee came over to smell his butt. Tahlee about jumped out of his skin every time Tat swished his tail. I think they'll get along fine in the house during the storm. They don't seem to mind each other - they both had big pupiled eyes looking at each other but no one growled. We'll have to wait and see. And have plenty of band-aids on hand in case we have to break up any kitteh fights.

Here's hoping we come out the other side ok, good luck to everyone!

You can't have any new ones until the old ones are gone

We have an understood rule about pets and owning them. You can't have a new one until the old one passes away. I really, really, REALLY want another bird (he died a few years ago) to talk and sing with and teach bad things to but I don't want to deal with the mess. So we're birdless.

The other neighbors got two new puppies and they might as well be the Sun and Husband is Icarus. The puppies are miniature beagles and holy cow, they are SO ADORABLE! They're still in the "when I wag my tail my whole body shakes I'm so happy!" stage and that makes them VERY contagious. "I want one!" he says. "We have a dog." I say. "But they only cost $50!" he whines. "Well, when Mya checks out, you can have one." I insist.

But I think I can offer him a trade and we'll both get what we want.

He wants this:

and he can have it if I can have this:

more cat pictures

But I guess I'll need a pantry before I can have an Evil Pantry Kitteh. And the kitteh must be truly evil, no substitutes!

What the hell is in those jars??!! Looks very, very scary!

When Animals ATTACK!!

Go ahead, click on it. Would YOU survive?

These numbers are about me surviving. My wolf odds are looking pretty good. I've known about the cat for years. In fact, I've been whooping his ass on a regular basis the past few days. He is old, 14ish this summer I do believe. He's starting to walk like an old man. And his gut is HUGE so he's got a lot to tote and he often looks "stove up" when he struts around. I found some "hey your cat has old bones" pills at Wally World last weekend so we dropped $8 (!!) for a 60 day supply. He's not really down with taking the pills but I have opposable thumbs and the will to put some pep in his step. And its working, he strolls smooth like a pimp now.

Now Mr. Tat Cat has lived outside for the most part of his life. He'll come inside and hang out for a bit, especially on hot days (he's old and fat, remember?) but he usually wants to spend his time outside and I'm cool with that. He doesn't get fleas, maybe a few but nothing like a manifestation. He's long haired and it's very thick. I think the fleas give up trying to eat him thru all his fur. I don't bathe him often because he tries to kick my ass when I brush him out. Tat doesn't quite understand that if I brush him, I'll get those loose hairs off of him and he won't spend so much time hacking up dang furballs all over my porch, walkway, yard, driveway, etc. Tat just thinks of it as an opportunity to smack me around. Some gratitude!

When we moved into the new house I tried to keep him inside, at least for the first few days so he could get comfortable with our new area. That meant Tat had to take a bath. I didn't want dirty cat butt dragged all over my carpet. I was nervous. I think the last time I'd bathed him was about 5 years ago. And he fights brushing - no water involved - so I was REALLY nervous and I made sure Husband knew how to get to the hospital from our new location. I just knew I was going to need some stitches after Tat's bath.

After I worked out all the pre-bath fretting I filled up the bathtub. I scooped Tat up and we headed for the bathroom. He gave me a "Where do you think you're taking me?" look and I tried to explain how he's pretty dirty and I don't want him bringing dirt or possibly fleas into the new house. He just closed his eyes and looked away. And I put him in the water, expecting him to jump up onto my face and claw my eyes out but that didn't happen. He just sat there, all still and quiet and let me bathe him. LET ME. Then he spent a good 6 hours pouting and hiding under my bed.

Of course, the next day when I thought "Hey, let's put him in the back yard (it's fenced in) and see how he likes the ground." BAD MISTAKE! He squeezed his large ass thru the gap between the fence and the house and ran like hell. We didn't see him for almost two weeks. Every day I'd go outside shaking the food dish and yelling for him, "Fat boy! Here kitty kitty." He finally showed back up and was he ever skinny! I'd never seen him skinny, at all, EVER. He's well back to his non-fighting weight now.

Tat likes living on The Circle. He's got no nuts so he doesn't chase or kill much anymore. He's only brought me one set of mole hands since we've moved here. He used to leave me all kinds of lizards, birds and mice at the old farm. He doesn't even chase the birds who come eat at our eleventy feeders.

Good kitteh!

Iiiiiiiii just want to fly

Yesterday evening we spent some time at the cool neighbors' house so Junior could play and we could recover from our exciting and very hot day. When I decided it was time for me to go water the plants, the cat and I headed back for home (he always follows us and will wait for us to go back home). Mr. Tat Cat immediately spots this little guy:

And for an old, fat, lazy cat, Tat is pretty quick to investigate and start licking his chops. So I run and scoop up 20 pounds of cat and get him back home so he won't eat baby Mockingbird. Can you see his downy fluff on his head? Baby is so cute!

When I go back outside I can hear mama Mockingbird screaming her head off and I also notice that someone else had tried to cross the road:

Yes, that poor small bump in the road is baby's brother. And now...guess who's running straight for the road??!! Baby!! Mother is still screaming her head off and baby's just running full-tilt. No flapping of wings, just running.

Besides the obvious danger of the road, there are about 3 carnivorous kittehs across the street. Sometimes these kittehs will stalk my bird feeders and I have to bust out the air-soft machine gun. Don't worry - they only shoot small plastic BBs and it's powered by 4 AA batteries so it's not even close to being lethal. I only use it as a "get the hell out of my yard" tool and the sound is much worse than the hit. But it is a MACHINE GUN and the boys modified the safety so you just pull the trigger and fire like crazy and watch those bird eaters (or stray dogs, or devient teenagers) scatter! And I'm getting way off topic, back to the story.

Husband and neighbors notice I'm doing some kind of crazy dance in the spare lot and come over to investigate. I put them on cat watch and go inside for something to shoo baby back away from the road. I grabbed the TV Guide thinking if we flapped the pages open and closed at him, baby will be scared and run away.

Not exactly. Husband flapped pages and this made baby just sit there. He tried again and baby gave him his best little aggressive hop, shake and "If you don't go away and leave me the hell alone I WILL KILL YOU" hiss with his open mouth. It was enough to make Husband and I both jump back and I HATE that I missed that pic! Very funny. Trust me, I do not want to come to that kind of ending. What an obituary that would be, "died tragically while trying to save a baby mocking bird."

Neighbor man decided to scoop up baby and move him back near the possible nest tree.

Which really didn't do a lot for mama Mockingbird. She raised A LOT of sand and we all kept an eye on her but not once did she try to attack us. Maybe she knew we were trying to help.

I can't wait to get home this afternoon and see if the drama repeats itself. I'm praying there will NOT be another bump in the road.