It's Thursday! That's the new Friday!!

My hours got cut at work again.  I lose the equivalent of one paycheck a month, it's absolutely horrid.  Know what pisses me off even more than that?  When we stick to the new budget, we still get all the bills paid.  Some of it is the hubs ability to work an hour or six of overtime at least once a month, but most of it is just bad money management.  One of these days I'm going to grow the hell up and start feeding the damn pig on a regular basis.

Elder Spawn showed up out of the blue last week.  He received his quarterly "injun money" and hopped on a flight home!  After spending a REAL winter with lots of snow in Missouri and Kansas I highly suspect he visited mostly for the weather and he was not disappointed, it was absolutely gorgeous!  I'm really proud of him, he managed his time wisely and everyone was glad to see him.  He even did HOMEWORK on his vacation!  I swear every time he says Calculus I want to puke, that's some scary math!

We had a nice family dinner at Nana & Mr. Grandpa's Sunday afternoon and I got to cook for him Thursday night.  He requested beef and hominy soup and frybread.  I'm pretty sure I'm the world's worst Native American but I do have some mad frybread skills.  Check this one out, it looks like a chicken, ready for the roasting pan!

I got some new clothes!  I've been trying to lose a few lbs and with the money being tight I was terrified of buying new pants.  I don't think $25 worth of jeans would break our bank but I just couldn't make the buy.  What if my butt started getting bigger?  Can't we put that $25 on the Home Depot card so I can maybe paint the freakin' house?  I thought about going to the second hand stores but I have plenty of faded jeans and I wanted some dark blue denim in the worst way.  And I came about my new clothes IN the worst way:  hand-me-downs from a deceased girlfriend.

I received clothes like this once before when Lee Anne died.  Not a lot, but some nice pieces for work and some hang around clothes.  When Betty died, her widower just couldn't bare the thought of trashing her clothes and he wanted to see someone truly use them.  Our butts and boobs are/were the same size and he asked me to go through them and take what I wanted/needed.

It has been weirdly comforting to wear her clothes.  I miss Betty like crazy, we all do.  I'm going to start cleaning her house tomorrow and I'm pretty sure I won't need any water, there will be plenty of tears.

Email to a friend

TO:  Ycart
RE:  Office Decor


If Parks and Rec aired when we were at (that hellish soul sucking job where we shared an office and other things non office-y) I'm fairly certain we would have poo-pooed the Where's Bruce game and built a righteous Ron Effing Swanson altar.  We would dance around it wearing thick black mustaches while feeding Effigy Ron high grade beef jerky.  Please enjoy this cubicle art and sigh with me over what could have been.

*SIGH*

Gettin' paid

What I did on my paid day off:

• Washed 3 loads of mandatory pre-weekend laundry:  towels, jeans, colors.
• Cleaned my bedroom proving the bed is surrounded on three sides by actual floor space.
• Discovered closet floor, threw out 4 pair of shoes - an act proving I deserved that manicure this week.
• Made sweet, sweet love to my Kitchen Aid Stand Mixer:  2 loaves of delicious banana nut bread, 1 strawberry pie.  Gave 1 loaf of bread to Homegirl who stopped by for a visit, devoured other loaf and pie at New Year's Eve celebration.
• Enslaved the new crockpot to heat lil' smokies and bbq sauce to a bubbly goodness.
• Celebrated my Wolfgang Puck pots and pans first birthday by whipping up a batch of black eyed peas.
• Cleaned massive war field of a kitchen.
• Paid bills, balanced checkbook.

These are the days I love my job the most.

Business Email 101

Dear Bossman,

This gold floor lamp you have at the office, are you interested in having it back at your home? 

I was running the vac and when I picked up the lamp to clean under it, the bottom of the lamp kind of fell out/off.  The base is filled with concrete.  Which is now grinding up and falling out all over the freaking place.  I have not yet yelled like a gorilla and swung the lamp over my head, but I do feel close to that point.

I never use the lamp.  Do you want it back or can I escort it to the trash can?

Frustratingly,

Me

I'm addicted to other things too

Hi, my name is Jocelyn and I'm addicted to Office Depot.

I honestly think I was more excited about OD coming to town than Wal-mart.  And this is The South, you know I be lovin' me some Wal-Mart, it's a law I do believe.  You can't spend time in Wal-Mart without it being considered as shopping or slacking off.  You can kill 2 hours in Office Depot, call it "research" and still get paid for it.


I was comparison shopping our printer replacement.  


I am seeking the best price for #10 envelopes.  


My head is actually bigger than that fax machine, how DO they do that?

I squeed with delight when the home office approved me obtaining an OD charge card.  That $250 spending limit made my head explode with power!  Then the mailings began.  The Big Book of Office Supplies.  Special!  Sale!  Catalog.  FREE GIFT with your order!!  Coupons!!!  Precious, precious coupons.  Oh yeah baby, you know how momma likes it twenty per cent off.  MMMMmmmm  hmmmm!!  (Is it just me or did it get really hot in here?)

I had to buy something on the expensive side, potentially blowing my $250 limit through it's cheap little heart.  It was a mandatory purchase for the bossman and he and his credit card was out of town.  I knew I couldn't put it on my card without being rejected at the cash register.  But I told the lady who pays the bill and like the  mackin' pimp she is, she DOUBLED that credit limit with one sweet phone call.  OH.  HELLS.  YEAH!!

The coupons came more frequently.  Spend $50, take $10 off!  And like the pure evil of the big bad Pusher Man, they began to come in pairs, "And here's an extra one for your cute, thrifty friend."  As my eyes glazed over with red and white OD's, I was calling friends from nearby offices to make an Office Depot run with me.  "I'VE GOT COUPONS!!  I'LL BE THERE TO PICK YOU UP IN 5 MINUTES!!!"

I started rooting for Carl Edwards because OD was his sponsor.

You can even order online.  ON.  LINE.  I can sit at my desk, surfing Office Depot deals like I'm screening free porn.  I can scratch my butt while perusing inks and toners.  The store staff does not appreciate you scratching your butt in the middle of isle 12.  Not even if you're getting paid to do it.  Joy killers.

Today's trip necessitated out of being SHUNNED out of the free gift while trying to place my order online.  It was a sweet little insulated backpack with matching fleece blanket.  Perfect for all of that hiking and picnicking I do.  *snark*  I planned out my order, reaching the purchase requirement and was crushed when the backpack was sold out.  CRUSHED!!

Realizing my defeat, I backed my order down to what I truly needed and took the "stock up" stuff out of my online cart.  When I tried to check out, OD wanted $10 in shipping fees!  Hello, I have a coupon and I'm not going to WASTE it in shipping!!  (Like a smart pusher, the $100+ order is shipped free, next day.  Anything less expensive and you pay for it.)  Naturally, I deleted everything in the cart and decided to drive to the store.

See, besides the benefit of "time suck"...going to Office Depot fills other desires.  There's this guy that works there....hubba hubba!!  I noticed him years ago on a Wal-Mart trip (again with the WM, I'm such a rule follower!!) with his wife and kid.  He's very similar looking to my husband so yeah, this guy trips my trigger.  I mourned this man's hair cut just as I did my husband's.  (Why do the brown-skinned long-hairs always end up cutting off their hair?)  He's been working at OD for a while now.  Naturally, I look at him because why should men have all the ogle fun?

Today I didn't even think to look for him as I was still devastated by losing out on the backpack.  Fortunately, as I was waiting in the checkout line he walked around the corner and said, "Did you find everything you needed today, ma'am?"

Oh yes, Mr. Sexy Man, I found everything I needed today.  I have my envelopes, my adding machine tape, my free ruler and free cap erasers with $5 purchase.  I just felt you up with my eyes and I have a $10 off coupon.  I have everything I could need.

I just noticed.....

I have not one, but two bottles of lotion on my desk and they sit next to my box of tissues. Good thing I'm not a dude but this display reminds me that I'm one crusty, runny chick.

WORD to your mother.

I'm no Bill Gates fan but he WAS smart enough to make Word yell at us for incorrect spelling and bad grammar.  However, Mr. Gates was not smart enough to make that Paperclip (as annoying as he is) a little more bossy about format.

You know - for those moments when someone:

1. use spaces instead of tabs
2. use tabs then add a space so the number will scootch over
3. use ENTER repeatedly instead of using page break

Paperclip just watches all of this, and lets it happen.

I just inherited a copy of the company's MODEL X which I need to submit to a customer, proving we have a MODEL X.

The MODEL X was prepared in Word and eventually turned into a pocket size MODEL X.

The initial layer outer of MODEL X did not choose to use the formatting guides in Word, they used a weird-assed margin setting, a bunch of spaces, gobs of unnecessary returns and flip flopped between TWO FONTS throughout the document (and I'm not just being anal about the fonts, it's truly UGLY and reeks unprofessional).

Dear Paperclip,

Where were you when this was all happening?  You SAW what was going on.  Your googly cartoon eyes ignored the grossness of a poorly laid out document.  

And yet, here you sit and mockingly blink your dastardly stare at me while I painstakingly go line by line thru this hideous document.

YOU SUCK!!  And I hope you die a slow, rusty, bent death.

WOOT OFF!

Yesterday I'd been feeling pretty bad about my production at work. Or rather, LACK OF production. So I got busy and actually did work. Papers were scanned, filed, copied, stapled and done. I attribute all of this work action to the action of turning on the light in my office.

You read that right, I actually TURNED ON THE LIGHT in my office.

Bossman has me in a bad habit of working in a damned cave. No overhead lights and only desk lamps. Which truly is nice, cozy and pretty laid back. It's just too laid back for me...if you actually expect me to work. (Don't forget, bossman also hooked me up with cable TV and Netflix will let me watch movies instantly(!) on my computer. I work in the den of lazy.)

I'd been feeling very bad about me because I was being lazy and doing a very bad job for the good money they pay me. I felt like I'd been stealing - most likely because I had.

So I turned the lights on (take THAT bossman!) and got productive. I came in this morning and turned the light on, preparing for a nice productive Wednesday, at least until I take the big boys to the dentist (a.k.a. paid torture - well spent money!!) this afternoon.

And continue morning ritual:

• Turn on the heat (you could hang meat in here in the winter time!)
• Make coffee
• Fire up computer
• Browse Google Reader to see who's saying what today
• Check email

In email box I find email from WOOT! and this can only mean one thing:

WOOT! OFF!!

DAMMIT!! I just vowed to be a good productive girl. I turned the corner. I was productive. I desired repeat performance today. I thought about and planned what I would do at my magic desk today. I had goals and "where's my damn money" phone calls to make. (I will still make the calls, I gotta make sure I get paid to do nothing around here, right?)

They've already sold the mini SD cards and Leakfrogs. DOUBLE DAMN!! I'll light a candle for the Bag of Crap and hope to score three.

I have no willpower. I'm wooting. F5 to you!!

OMW: Jeopardy!

Today's prompt is:
If you were on the game show Jeopardy!, what interesting story would you tell to introduce yourself?

Alex: Welcome to the show Jocelyn. It says here that you're a Professional Man-Sitter. Can you please detail what that means?

Jocelyn: Well Alex, I am the office manager at my company's southeastern NC branch office. All our employees at this location are male. I'm also married and have three boys at home. So all day, all night (all long!) I am surrounded by men. The majority of these men act as if I'm they're mother and I must tend to their every whim, question and need. It's a good thing they pay me well.

Alex: Wow, that's a lot of time to be surrounded by men. What was your previous job?

Jocelyn: Previously I was a marketing manager for a real estate firm in a gated golf community.

Alex: That sounds luxurious and exciting.

Jocelyn: It is unless the office is full of bitchy hateful women and the big boss is a cunt.

Alex: You sound bitter, Jocelyn.

Jocelyn: Oh, I'm not bitter Alex. That "experience" was one of the greatest life-lessons I've ever lived thru.

Of course, I would never let Alex know that I once let a man convince me that I was not smart enough to take the contestant exam. The Jeopardy! team was in my neighboring big town and I let the bastard talk me out of going to try out. I was so stupid and weak back then. HRUMPH!

A few years later I did get brave and try out for WHEEL! OF! FORTUNE!! the last time Vanna was in her home-town for Sun Fun Festival. That was a ton of fun and I did get a call-back from them to take the real test.

The initial WOF event was a big rally-type thing. You just filled out a basic contestant questionnaire then they hauled everyone into the convention center hall and pulled random names out. I wasn't called up to the stage that day so I believe my call-back was purely rated by my last name. My maiden name is pretty unique. So unique the only other ones in the phone book are my relatives.

The call-back was in a small conference room and had about 50 folks in it. The chairs were lined up like audience chairs and we basically played a bunch of WOF puzzles. Then they busted out with the written test. The written test was HARD. Hard because it's WOF and you SEE these puzzles. Puzzles written out where you have to write in the answers instead of shouting at the TV screen made it difficult for me.

After we finished taking the written exams the day was considered over and as we were headed down the stairs an ambulance crew was headed up the stairs. A fellow try-out had a mild heart attack and had to be taken to the hospital!

Why does the universe like to eat Sharpies, then spit them out?

I usually have a Sharpie on me at all times...because really, you never know when one will come in handy. If it's not on my physical person, there's one in the dash of the car.

Lately it seems that every time I've used a Sharpie, when I retrieve it from it's living place it's not there. I walk from my desk to the supply drawer to fetch a new one and by the time I get back to my desk, there's the original Sharpie.

What's the deal? Is my doppelganger just messing with me? I did buy a box of "industrial" Sharpies. "Specially formulated ink for industrial, commercial and laboratory use. Super-permanent black ink." I'm wondering if they have an auto-cloaking feature too?

I'm annoyed.

My cell phone finally died. The diagnosis at the cellphone store was "water damage" because the little pads on the battery and inside the phone had turned bright pink. I know that water and technology don't always mix but I am fairly certain I'm smart enough to recognize water damaging my phone.

Previously, I dropped the phone off the balcony at the office. Not on purpose - I just fumbled when I was putting the phone back in my holster. Really, pinkie swear. The drop caused the phone to power off and it did come right back on and did work. This happened summer '07.

It is now fall '08 and I had water damage. Whatever.

After riding the corporate roller coaster of procuring a new cell phone I was finally given a comb to fix my hair and permission to get a new phone. Of course, because technology moves so fast, I could not just get another phone just like the security blanket I had. I loved the LG with it's loud tones - perfect for the alarm settings that I used EVERY day for just about anything. Bye bye Monopoly game, thanks for releasing me from your slavery-like grip and making me once again productive to The Man. (Or maybe not, there's always the inter webs to keep me in mind-warping slacker-shape.)

I got the Samsung Muse as a replacement. It's a nice phone. It's pretty. It's blue. If you put a mini SD card in it, you can use it as an MP3 player as well. It has that blue tooth Star Trek-y option available. It also has a nice camera for photos and videos. Voice recordings are available too.

Let's talk about the camera for a minute. While I was reading the manual I noticed in the camera section they specifically mention the phone's shiny, mirror-like exterior and that while taking a self-portrait I should make sure my reflection is between the two speaker holes. 'Cause I got nothing better to do but take pics of myself to keep my My Space page current. So this Muse allows me to keep the pervs entertained BUT I CAN'T PLAY MONOPOLY ANY MORE.

Something else annoying about this new phone...very specifically on the back of the phone where it should naturally cradle in your hand as you talk, is a sticker and it says:

---Internal Antenna Area---
For best performance, Do NOT touch this area when using your phone.

WHAT!!?? I'm not supposed to touch the phone where I'm supposed to hold it? Are you serious? Who makes these phones? Monkeys?

Careful what you wish for missy!

So Hanna is now coming RIGHT FOR US in Southeastern North Carolina. I don't believe this is my fault, but I will apologize just in case it is. The latest report has the eye aimed right at my town.

Yes, I'm nervous. There's a storm a commin' from out yonder. But I am so, so glad it is. I need my guys to know they'll have jobs for a while. Work has been so slow, dreadful slow that they're all starting to get panicky. I don't want to work with panicky men, they get whiny and slack off their paperwork. They also get pretty short-fused and start with the in-fighting and bickering. Boys are dumb like that.

I get to spend my lunch hour today shopping for hurricane supplies at Walmart. Woo hoo! Cheese and peanut butter crackers for everyone! Husband is going to take care of the outside stuff at home tonight, I'll be doing the same at Memaw's house after work.

We had a test run for the cats last night. Tahlee was all pressed up against the front door when Mr. Tat Cat decided he was coming inside for a while (I reckon he's starting to feel the cool nights in his bones). Tahlee hid behind the recliner when Tat came in to drink water from the community bowl (just inside at the front door, cats and dog both use it). Tat was drinking away and Tahlee came over to smell his butt. Tahlee about jumped out of his skin every time Tat swished his tail. I think they'll get along fine in the house during the storm. They don't seem to mind each other - they both had big pupiled eyes looking at each other but no one growled. We'll have to wait and see. And have plenty of band-aids on hand in case we have to break up any kitteh fights.

Here's hoping we come out the other side ok, good luck to everyone!

Hanna

Ok, Eight's got a real name now. Hanna.

And it's not related to this Hannah, who appears to be selling some "candy":

Dear Disney Marketing Team,

Please fire the jackass who came up with idea immediately.

Thanks!

GO EIGHT, GO!!

Go Eight!! It's your birthday. We're gonna party like it's your birthday. We're gonna drink Bacardi like it's your birthday! Or I'll bust a cap in your ass.


Sorry to go all GANGSTA on ya but YO! Work is slow and something needs to pick up!! WORD TO YO MAMMA!!

Eight is currently pointed at Florida but let's hope it aims a little closer to home. And let's hope that Hubby gets called out on storm work. STORM WORK!!! The land of kick-ass overtime. Sweet, SWEET overtime. Yummy!

Here's hoping nobody gets hurt - just the power lines and I don't go all She-Ra on the children while Hubby's out of town.

Terminally Bored

So we're upgrading our server or something in the home office and of course, nothing works but email. Thanks for the 10 second warning home office, it sure is good to know when things will be down for 4 hours and I can plan my work schedule accordingly. I've done all the manual things to be done so what does that leave me to do?

Nothing.

Except play on the internets.

At least there is a Woot! Off today. My MP3 player is having jack issues - as opposed to jill issues - so I did Woot! me a refurb Sansa 4GB media player. In about 7 to 10 days I'll be able to jam AND look at 1.8" photos or goofy videos anytime, anywhere.

Tiger Woods is no Dr. Phil

It's 4:25ish and the work phone rings. TV goes on mute, it's now "safe" to answer the phone. (I was watching CNN like a good little girl.)

Me: Good afternoon, NAME OF MY WORKPLACE.

Her: Are you watching TV?

Me: Yep, it's on.

Her: Are you watching Tiger Woods?

Me: Why would I be watching Tiger Woods? He's not a race car driver.

Her: They're playing today, the playoff!

Me: Ok, channel 6, right? (I know this because Dr. Phil is not on today. Stupid golf.)

Her: Yep.

Me: Some dark guy in a red tshirt is on the green. Wait, both guys are dark...AND wearing red shirts!!! (Again, if this was racing, they'd at least be wearing different numbers!!!)

Her: That's probably Rocco.

Me: No, it's Tiger. He's fake swinging his putt. He fake swings again. Ok, he hit it this time...and .... it's going to be JUST SHORT!

Her: NO WAY!

Me: Yes way! And he's ON HIS KNEES in anguish! (Could golf be any more exciting?)

Her: Has the other guy shot?

Me: Nope, he's up next. But they're showing the replay of his reaction to Tiger's play and he and his caddy both laughed when Tiger missed. Golf asses!!

Her: Bastards!!

Me: Ok, here he goes. Fake swing, fake swing, HIT! OH, he waaaaaaaaay over shot!

Her: Oh no! I wonder if they're still tied?

=========
This is where the light bulb finally switches ON and blinds me with ... science.
=========

Me: The damn TV is still on mute. (unmute TV) Yes, Tiger won.

Her: WOO HOO!

Me: Damn, I'm an idiot. If I realized the TV was on mute I could have let you LISTEN to what was going on the whole time instead of relaying a play-by-play of a NASCAR fan watching golf.

Her: Well that's been bothering me since my lunch break, thanks for checking it out for me.

Me: You're welcome, talk to you later!

Ahhh...the benefits of friendship. I am SO calling her from the swimming pool on Sunday with 4 laps to go in the race. Let's hear golf girl make the play-by-play on the race!!

Tingly Summer Skin

Been a busy morning here at work. Finally went out for my first smoke break. The sun is HOT out back this time of day and I'm wearing a sleeveless shirt. When I came back into the office, the cool a/c air snuggled all up on me and it felt soooooooo good! I love that summery feeling. Almost as good as jumping into a swimming pool on a hot day.

Our cool neighbors finally opened up their pool last weekend. (We don't just hog their pool all summer, we did help get the ground ready AND we ran a waterhose from our house to help fill it up.) We took Junior for a swim and even though it's only his second season swimming, he remembered it all. That brave little boy swims like a fish I tell ya! We were all impressed and after we got home to get cleaned up he kept saying, "I not a fish, I a wimmer."

Wim on with your bad self little boy. Wim on!

Reason Number 5,234,693 My Job Rocks!

Today I took the bossman to look at a property. I'm tired of working in this dungeon of an office and we really, really need some land to park our ALL of our equipment. In one place. Not 14 places across our very large county.

The place was really nice but set up for a doctor's office. And the building is too far centered in the property to really work with. And oh yeah...they want mucho dinero. Too mucho dinero for the location and additional work it would take to meet our needs. Oh well, at least my curiosity had been satisfied.

Instead of rushing back to the office, bossman drove me to the big site we're working on. He chatted with the crews while I stood by the truck. Their jobsite is too huge and scary for me to even get close to. Any other time or site though - look out - you have to kick me off the jobsite. I love what we do and I can tell what they're doing on paper but get me out in the field and my eyes get all big.

We finished up there and decided to go check on the guys we had working at the beach. This crew had pretty much worked themselves out of regular work and were doing "fix up" things to the owner's vacation home. The owner told them to use the grill today if they'd like AND I'M SO GLAD THEY DID!!!

V was already cooking when we got there and it was smelling good! BBQ chicken breasts, sausages and steak. There's a total of THREE guys working on this crew. They invited us to stay for lunch and man was it ever tasty! Y made pico de gallo and salsa - HOME MADE!! Bossman made a trip to his house (on the next street over) and picked up his dog and some more lunch supplies. The other super showed up and we all sat down to eat.

The pico de gallo and salsa both had plenty of jalapenos in them. Very tasty and very warm. My lips have been chapped and they were ON FIRE by the time we finished lunch. My belly is full, I spent time with the guys (which I love doing!) and we had lots of fun.

I kept grilling Y and V about cooking techniques and different foods/recipies. Y can pat out his own tortillias! V admitted that a lot of guys don't learn how to cook the hard to make foods (like tamales), they just beg aunties and moms to make the good things for them. I made V & Y promise to invite me over the next time they have a party and cook. Many techniques and flavors you will learn mamacita!

Finally got back to the office at 1:15ish. It's been a good day! Not horribly productive, but wicked awesome.