I'm annoyed.

My cell phone finally died. The diagnosis at the cellphone store was "water damage" because the little pads on the battery and inside the phone had turned bright pink. I know that water and technology don't always mix but I am fairly certain I'm smart enough to recognize water damaging my phone.

Previously, I dropped the phone off the balcony at the office. Not on purpose - I just fumbled when I was putting the phone back in my holster. Really, pinkie swear. The drop caused the phone to power off and it did come right back on and did work. This happened summer '07.

It is now fall '08 and I had water damage. Whatever.

After riding the corporate roller coaster of procuring a new cell phone I was finally given a comb to fix my hair and permission to get a new phone. Of course, because technology moves so fast, I could not just get another phone just like the security blanket I had. I loved the LG with it's loud tones - perfect for the alarm settings that I used EVERY day for just about anything. Bye bye Monopoly game, thanks for releasing me from your slavery-like grip and making me once again productive to The Man. (Or maybe not, there's always the inter webs to keep me in mind-warping slacker-shape.)

I got the Samsung Muse as a replacement. It's a nice phone. It's pretty. It's blue. If you put a mini SD card in it, you can use it as an MP3 player as well. It has that blue tooth Star Trek-y option available. It also has a nice camera for photos and videos. Voice recordings are available too.

Let's talk about the camera for a minute. While I was reading the manual I noticed in the camera section they specifically mention the phone's shiny, mirror-like exterior and that while taking a self-portrait I should make sure my reflection is between the two speaker holes. 'Cause I got nothing better to do but take pics of myself to keep my My Space page current. So this Muse allows me to keep the pervs entertained BUT I CAN'T PLAY MONOPOLY ANY MORE.

Something else annoying about this new phone...very specifically on the back of the phone where it should naturally cradle in your hand as you talk, is a sticker and it says:

---Internal Antenna Area---
For best performance, Do NOT touch this area when using your phone.

WHAT!!?? I'm not supposed to touch the phone where I'm supposed to hold it? Are you serious? Who makes these phones? Monkeys?

Wildcat

According to the youniverse, I'm a wildcat.

Be sure to take the test. It's interesting and the photos are nice. They have a bunch of other tests as well.

Yes, my bedroom is messy but I was being honest. That's how it is, not how I would like it to be. I'm pretty sure the closet, dresser and laundry hamper have these parties at the house during the day when we're all out. They raid the liquor cabinet, lay out my clothes and shoes in various combinations (most likely they're mocking me) then vomit all over the damn floor. Lazy bastards.

Crapfest!

My mom called this morning and invited me out to lunch with her and a friend. We ate skrimps and drank sweet tea. I feel like I could burst.

When I got back to the office I checked on the Woot off and I missed the Bandolier of Carrots. I've been drooling over this ever since I found Woot. I've been trying VERY hard the last 18 months but not so hard that I'm awake every night at midnight CST (that's 1 am here) just to see if I can score a box of crap for $1. Good things come to her that waits, right?

I was bummed but I had good sisterhood and good food at lunch. Remembering the nice time we had and belching hushpuppies made missing the BOC all better.

Woot kept selling stuff and in about another hour the Woot powers that be bestowed us with another Random Crap opportunity. The last time I had a shot at winning the Crap I was at work on my old SLOW computer. Today's crap was offered on the "new to me" computer that was rescued from the storage closet of the home office. I wasn't expecting to score any crap so I pushed the big I WANT ONE! button and didn't put much faith into it.

BUT I DID SCORE! And I scored BIG. I got three craps total. THREE!! I'm such a nerd....A nerd with CRAP! I still don't have any shipping info updated to my account so now I must wait with my face pressed against the front door glass for the delivery man.

Visit Woot! you'll like it.

Moose Shooter

Freakin' AWESOME! Not only did Amy Poehler knock it out of the park but she did it VERY knocked up! So glad I stayed up to watch, I really enjoyed it. Here's the words so you can sing along. NEED MP3 version for player!!!

one two three

my name is sarah palin you all know me
vice president nominee of the gop
gonna need your vote in the next election
can i get a ‘what what’ from the senior section
mccain got experience, mccain got style
but don’t let him freak you out when he tries to smile
cause that smile be creepy
but when i be vp
all the leaders in the world gonna finally meet me

how’s it go eskimo
eskimos
tell me what you know eskimo
eskimos
how you feel eskimo
ice cold
tell me tell me what you feel eskimo
super cold

i’m jeremiah wright cause tonight i’m the preacher
i got a bookish look and you’re all hot for teacher
todd lookin fine on his snow machine
so hot boy gonna need a go between
in wasilla we just chill baby chilla
but when i see oil lets drill baby drill

my country tis of thee
from my porch i can see
russia and such

all the mavericks in the house put your hands up
all the mavericks in the house put your hands up
all the plumbers in the house pull your pants up
all the plumbers in the house pull your pants up

when i say ‘obama’ you say ‘ayers’
obama. ayers. obama. ayers.
i built me a bridge - it ain’t goin’ nowhere.
[ohhh]

mccain, palin, gonna put the nail in the coffin
of the media elite
she likes red meat
shoot a mother humpin moose, eight days of the week

[three gunshots]
now ya dead, now ya dead,
cause i’m an animal, and i’m bigger than you
holdin a shotgun walk in the pub
everybody party, we’re goin on a hunt
la la la la la la la la
[six gunshots]

yo i'm palin, i’m out

Suicidal Cicada

So I'm traveling down the big highway after work, on my way to pick up Junebug.

• Windows down
• Music blaring
• Driving speed limit

I go to pass a slow car that is driving in the FAST lane (JERK!!) and as I'm passing said car, I hear a loud noise like that car kicked up a rock onto my car (bigger JERK!!). I look sternly at slow driver and keep going.

• Windows down
• Music blaring
• Driving speed limit

As I sing (or yell, I was listening to Metallica) and drive I notice I have a STOWAWAY!

There laying on my dashboard just on the left side of the driver's area is a cicada laying on its back, legs up in the air.

And I notice the legs start moving. The highway is busy, it's just past 5:00 and the idiots are loose. Do the speed limit and you will get run over. It's a scary place in the afternoon - mornings too! So I'm watching these legs twitch around and that's when I notice...the cicada is missing it's butt. Hmmm....that is very interesting.


That's what the sound was when I passed the slow car. I ran into a big fat flying cicada. Now the bug is in its death throw right here on my dashboard. See those wings? Yep, if you can move your legs you can most likely move your wings. Remember, I'm running with the fast pack at Talladega, I don't need a freaking BUG to fly up into my face and send us all crashing about and back to the garage for some quarter panel work and a new set of tires.


I conveniently have a balled up piece of trash paper in the console. I scoop up the bug and dump him out of the window. I regret this decision immediately. He would have been a nice trophy to keep. For a while, not ever. (coughdadcough)


So hooray! That bug drama is over. Let's get back to:

• Windows down
• Music blaring
• Driving the speed limit

The wind knocks my curl into my eye so I reach up to push my hair out of my face. I feel my hair is wet. Why is my hair wet? I glance into the mirror to discover

I HAVE CICADA ASS IN MY HAIR!!!

Here's another picture of a cicada. The red circle indicates cicada ass. This is what was IN MY FREAKING HAIR.

I would estimate that I had about a tablespoon of cicada ass in my hair. It was whiteish yellow and disgusting as hell. I began to speed to get where I was going ASAP. I thought about stopping by my parent's house but I wasn't sure they'd be there. I knew I needed backup to get all the ass out of my hair.

I get to the sitter's and run to the bathroom. "Becky! I need your help NOW! Please!!" So Becky made sure all the ass was out of my hair and I washed my hands like I'd just been holding hands with Radium.

I've written about being attacked by killer bugs from outerspace before. And would you like to take a guess at who is headlining the local blues & jazz festival? Go ahead...just guess!

That's right - the gruesome twosome - Johnny and Edgar Winter. Writers and performers of Frankenstein with their creepy synthesizers.

So maybe the cicada was not suicidal after all. He was a kamikaze cicada doing the Winters' dirty work!

Is it Friday yet?

What a crappy day.

1. It's been raining all day thanks to the not tropical storm on the coast. Let's see....lots of wind, lots of rain - how the hell is that NOT tropical? Well, it is a little cold outside. Still, the rain can just knock it the hell off. Really.
2. I'm bored out of my skull.
3. I have 529 things I could (should) be doing but I don't want to and you can't make me.
4. My back hurts. I think my uterus is trying to escape. I keep telling the bitch to just go away, LEAVE, I don't care! But she's full of idle threats. Wuss! (on a side note: HOORAY! That means I'm not pregnant! Not that I was worried about it but I am thankful every. single. time. Aunt Flo shows up.)
5. Nothing interesting on Dr. Phil today. Or TV for that matter.
6. Congress is agreeing to bail those bastards out. Again.
7. Oprah has dancing dogs on and I think I want to drive to Chicago and shoot her. (that was my uterus talking)
8. Oprah does have kick ass hair this season. I really do hate her now. It looked good last year but wow - this year's curls look great. Dear Santa, will you please send me a black gay guy to do my hair everyday?
9. Paying bills today did not make me feel accomplished. Usually it does but not today. I'm blaming the rain. Or possibly my uterus.

So much for #10, I ran out. And I finally found me some Bobby Hill to watch. I reckon I'll sit here and drool at the square box to finish out my work day.

Why must today be so awful?

Oil slicks

These are the best thing EVER! I hardly wear makeup anymore because I'm too lazy to get up 15 minutes earlier than I already do. My face just feels oily by noon, no matter the occasion or application of makeup. So usually after lunch time I whip one of these babies out to mop up my face. I'm so pleased at how much they soak up and my skin feels awesome afterwards. Sometimes I cuddle the box when I'm done. I like them that much.

I used one today, then thought, "Exactly how do these things work?" CUE INTERNET and I landed on epinions because the Clean & Clear website just had some smart-ass paragraph with no real explanation on how they work. I'm looking for a nerd to explain how the sheet is engineered and why touching it to my face sucks the oil off. I'd prefer to see this demonstration on my dad's super big-assed tv, especially after having watched that spider documentary in terrifying clarity.

I can not believe the nerve of some of these folks with the bad reviews at epinions. Seems the super oily skinned folks are just downright appalled by the size of the sheet (roughly 2" x 3"). They complain they must use 3 to 5 sheets for the oil removal, only to have the oil return in an hour or two. DUDE! If you're skin is that oily, see a freakin' dermatologist! I'm sure they make something for that. It's an oil absorbing sheet, NOT blanket. Also, grow a smaller face for less surface area.

Another complaint is the cost. You pay almost $6 for a pack of 50. The ones who bitch about the price seem to direct attention to other blotting papers WITH powders at your local high-end make up counter. Most of these types of blotters are a bit larger and again, they have powder on them and HELLO! they're most likely to be much pricier.

I absolutely can not believe the number of complaints about the color of the sheet. The sheet is blue and it turns clear as it sucks grease from your face. (Anyone grossed out yet?) I guess they are all sitting in the food court at the mall IN FRONT OF EVERYONE and being humiliated because they're dobbing this blue sheet on their faces. Go to the powder room dummies! Take some pride in yourself and your appearance, be discreet and do not be puttin' yo makeup on in da street.

My last gripe is their gripe about the packaging. Yep, it's a small cardstock envelope and the inside of the envelope flap has a tape on it. When you open the flap, there's a sheet stuck to the tape, just pull it off and you're sucking oil baby! The complaint is that the package doesn't hold up. Ok, what in the hell and how much do you already have in your purse? My purse holds a bunch smaller 'purses' because I'm anal like that. My Clean & Clear pack fits just fine in my small makeup bag, no fuss no muss. Organize your purses you whiny haters! If the box isn't getting beat up by the random crap in the bottom of your bag, guess what?? It will last longer!

I reckon that concludes my lunch hour rant. I'm off to the land of invoices!