Is it just me?

I occasionally watch the show The Doctors.  Occasionally.  More specifically if there's nothing on the Speed Channel or if nobody is showing King of the Hill episodes.

I am extremely annoyed by the guy who always wears scrubs.  Dude, you piss me off when you come to work in your PJs.  I'm at work and I am not wearing PJs.  

The plastic surgeon guy is very plastic.  He's prissy but tolerable.

The nerdly doctor in the coat just seems like he's the designated middle child.

The chick doctor is the Gyno.  Every time I watch the show I can't help but flash back to The Dark Crystal.  You guys seen that movie?  I think my parents still own a VHS copy of it.  It's a good movie and if your kids aren't too young or too old, they'll like it too.

Back to the doctor chick - here's her photo:

And then I think about how much she looks like Kira:

And if I came across said doctor looking like a Gelfing...I'd be RUNNING out of that office because you must be THIS TALL to convince me to sit in stirrups while you check out my goodies.

I think I'm addicted to vodka now.

Who watched Nip/Tuck last night?

Did anyone catch much of the story line between all the damned commercials?  Seriously, there was maybe 30 minutes of SHOW.

My liver cringes every time I think about Smirnoff now.  Thanks for hosting the premiere Smirnoff but next time, can you shell out a little more cash so we can watch the SHOW, not 8 gazillion commercials?

Thanks Ryan for spending the first 20 minutes of the hour explaining IN GREAT DETAIL how that crazy bitch got inside and stabbed up Sean.  Like the final images of last season's finale of him laying on the floor gurgling blood weren't enough for me to catch on.

And HELLO!!!???  Annie was being anesthetized to death on the operating table, Liz gets her somewhat stable and then we get NO FURTHER updates on her condition?  That kid never gets no love.  I hope they don't pay her by the on-screen nano-seconds she gets.  In fact, they probably owe her a fat check for pain and suffering of NOT being on the show she's supposed to be on. 

The man whore ended up with breast cancer.  Very ironic and kind of fitting.  He's not so indestructible after all.  It was so very funny to see him feeling up Liz at her boob reduction consult.  Still doesn't make up for all the damned commercials.

I'm not sure where to lay blame on my disappointment of the episode:  FX or Ryan Murphy.   

Most likely it's all Kurt Sutter's fault.  Kurt's got a solid show in SOA and he can cram lots of information and story into the time he's allotted.  Kurt fed me a whole season of goodness that I ate - heartily!  Even the parts that fell to the floor and were covered in dog hair.

GAH!!!

You too Russ?

WARNING:  WOMAN POST

I am hating my body these days.  More specifically, I am hating my aging woman body.  

She is so tricky now.  What once was the norm is not even close to what she was:  normal, schedule-worthy, dependable, bitchy but tolerable.  Now she's turning into a cranky old hag.

I spent last week wondering if I should RUN!  DO NOT WALK!! to the nearest drug store so I could pee on a stick.  YO!  21 day Bitch!  WHERE ARE YOU???  Three weeks off, one on - let's go already!

Finally on Friday the boobs started aching and instead me feeling relief of not missing my favorite punctuation mark (.) I panicked because they usually ache the week before Aunt Flo shows up.   By Friday night, Flo was here and I was ever so happy to raise my glass to her appearance!

So she's here but she's different this time.  She gets a little more different every month now.  She's seriously pissing me off.  I hate her.  She makes me crazy.

I think she is rebelling because I made the change-up on her.  I did buy one of these and I actually use it.  My reasons were simple, low-maintenance but mostly related to the costs of her annual upkeep.  Oh yeah, for the tree-huggers - it's also Mother Earth friendly - NO TRASH!!  

She didn't seem to mind it the first time.  I think she laughed a little.  I know I laughed A LOT (all the way to the bank!).  When Diva and I met there was polite hand-shaking and awkward staring but we worked it out together.  And here we are at cycle two, Diva and I came together like old friends this time.  

I'm wondering if she's just giving me and Diva a hard time because outside of the cramping....me and Diva have pretty much tamed the savage beast.  No panicked trips to the store because even though I looked thru all the drawers and purses I can't find one single tampon.  No dragging of the "special bag" around.  No digging for quarters to buy a crappy tampon out of an even crappier tampon machine.

Let's back up to cramping for a minute.  Ladies, I'm not shitting you when I say my cramps are NOTHING now that Diva is around.  I hurt where I'm supposed to hurt, in my uterus and a little in my back.  

Before Diva, my whole body ached - specifically the tops of my thighs because I usually spent the week all tensed up from hurting.  And let's be honest ladies....your period stinks.  We all have a smell, but that time of the month with paper products just STINKS.  With Diva, there's nothing to stink up the place.  

I can not believe I have let myself suffer thru the tampon experience for 22+ years (holy crap that just made me feel REAL OLD).  And I hope you will consider bringing a Diva home for yourself.  My friend's daughter is graduating from high school this year and she's going into nursing.  I've got just enough shine on my brass balls to give her a Diva Cup for graduation.  I can not even imagine trying to care for the sickly when I'm worried about if I just "leaked" all over my scrubs or just having to worry about my period at all.  Diva is that awesome.

Um....so, yeah.  I just said all of that.  Out loud.  For all the internets to see.  Sheesh, with the big 20th high school reunion coming up and my latest Facebook activities.....yep, I can already feel the pointing and hear the quiet whispering, "You know what she wrote about on her blog!?"

But there's no way in hell you'd catch me wearing that little Diva pin out in public.  I do have some standards.

I know Daisy!

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Christmas Parade

Here's some photos from the Christmas parade.  Junior's little friend is the neighbor's grandson, Ryan.  He's the CUTEST kid with freckles I've EVER seen!  And these bags were FULL of candy when the parade ended.  I would love to know what Junior was thinking in this photo.

Yep, that's a SKULL on Junior's hat.  He's a total badass.
This is my favorite float in the parade.  I'm not sure what a National Sojourner does but they wear some kickass costumes!  
And here we have the redneck's parade entry.  Not only was the race car on display...IT WAS RUNNING!  Thank you for participating in the parade AND spending the cash for fuel.  I was way more excited to see this than Santa.  

Christmas wrap up

So Christmas was pretty awesome.  Junior is three now so he's REALLY into presents and their eventual "tearing."  For the two weeks before Christmas, all we heard is:  "Can I tear this present?  I want to tear this present!  Go ahead Mama, tear this one!"

Shopping was hard this year.  We just shelled out cash for one of the big boy's class ring and paid for both big boys to go on their annual youth trip at the Big God Conference in Myrtle Beach.  And big boys like big expensive toys.  It was a tough one but they got what they asked for and they seem happy.  (Except for my screw up buying the right game for the WRONG system.  It all worked out, Santa found the receipt.)

Of course, being the procrastinator I am, (hey, give me a break - I bought all the damned presents - mostly on time!  I even skillfully stacked them and camouflaged them with a sheet - the ones that would not fit under the big boys' beds.) I'm always wrapping presents until Christmas Eve.  Junior was being a good little elf helping with the placing of presents under the tree...until the one large box would not fit under the tree, even though it would slide up neatly next to the tree.  I didn't realize just how tired the little man was until that meltdown.  "Mama, de prez ant wont' fit under de tweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!"  Oh my!  Three rears its ugly head again.  Junior, would you like to revisit your new "I'm NOT taking a nap!" policy?  You should really think about it long and hard.

I did do a lot of holiday cooking.  I made crockpot candy and even got a little help spooning them out from a not-so-surly teenager (I reckon he knew Santa was watching).  174 pieces divided into three containers on a Friday turned into ONLY 1 container in the fridge by 7:30 am Monday.  It should be called CRACKpot candy, it's that good.

I finally opened the KitchenAid Stand Mixer box and made two batches of banana nut bread over two weekends.  Oh my!!  I can not describe the awesomeness of the KASM - there are no words.  Best. Kitchen. Accessory. EVER!!  

My favorite part of the KASM is the receipe prep.  It's like playing Alton Brown in your own kitchen!!  The KASM instruction manual preaches almost nothing but DO NOT OVER BEAT your goodies.  (This is probably a good rule to apply to most anything in life.  Do not over beat your goodies!)  You have to be READY! to put all your stuff in the mixer at the right time to avoid over beating.  Nothing like a little PRESSURE to go with your awesomely intimidating FIRST stand mixer EVER.

Junior and I decided we needed to make chocolate chip cookies for Santa.  Junior remembered this from last year!  So Junior and I have all kinds of ingredient bowls set out on the counter.  I'd left the butter in the mixer to soften earlier in the evening.  I spun the butter around a bit to make sure it was indeed softened and I was satisfied with the yellow mush so I unlatch the head thing and kick it back to scrape and add the eggs and sugar.  Junior is short and three so he's standing on a chair, right next to the mixer.  He sees the butter on the paddle and before I can say, "Noooooo!!!" he sticks out his tongue and LICKS the butter and says, "MMMM!  Deese cookies good!"  Dammit boy.

We got all the wet stuff in the mixer and it was time for the flour.  Junior did a good job of scooping it into the chute without getting most of it on the counter.  When they were done mixing I gave him the beater to "clean" and he was done after that.  He got what HE wanted, I was left to plop 'em out on the cookie sheets.  

Junior also remembered that we put carrots out for the reindeer last year and he asked to do it again this year.  I'm glad *I* remembered to buy carrots!!

Everybody but me slept in Christmas morning.  I'd been wanting to make fudge for the first time so I made a pot of coffee and started my fudge experimenting.  I had no clue it was SO EASY to make!  I can't believe I let myself be so intimidated for so long.  It was kind of scary when the boil started making the ingredients "grow" in the pan but it did not boil over the side of the pan.  The hardest part is scraping the marshmallow fluff out of the jar.  Sticky stuff!  

My last holiday cooking duty was to provide pinto beans and fry bread for the Friday night dinner.  Most of the family got together at Mom & Dad's and had Indian tacos.  Fry bread is hard work and well worth the reward.  I made two batches and there was only 1 bread left when we'd finished filling our gullets.  Also, I had flour ALL OVER my NEW shirt but managed to not get it all over the floor.  

Dinner was really good but my favorite part of the night had me acting like I was 10 years old again.  And torturing my younger siblings.  Again.  SO FREAKIN' GOOD!

Brudder and his family had just left and Junior and I were running around hiding from each other.  I was waiting in the dark hallway when Brudder came back in for the 3 items one always leaves when traveling with small children.  I heard him telling mom he left something in the back room and could hear him headed my way to get it.  I scooted back a little and crouched down like a cat.  Hell, I think I even wiggled a bit like kittehs do just before the ATTACK!  I should probably be ashamed that I was THAT excited.  But I am not.

I got him good though, just as he stepped to where I was I jumped up with a RAWR! and he did shriek a little as he jumped.  And it was a sweet sweet wave of HA!  I STILL RULE YOU! that washed over me.  So very awesome.

I hope you all enjoyed your Holiday Season as much as I did!  Here's to a prosperous NEW YEAR!

GAME ON SUCKA!!

The winter ping pong season has started.  Being a bit fluffy and allergic to most things known as "exercise" I dig the pong.  Pong makes me move, jump around, curse, sweat and think.  The crushing of small plastic balls with paddles is really good for a girl's (is ego appropriate here?) (let's settle for something nice instead) winter exercise needs.  

The husband and I play at the neighbors' house.  Our neighbors have the best toys.  There must be some kind of toy quality/quantity ratio that becomes greater the older you get - directionally proportionate to your children growing up and move out/away.  OH MAN!!!  I can't wait to have awesome toys too!  

The women got off to a good start, despite being R-U-S-T-Y.  We won the first night of play but haven't done too well since.  The ladies don't play as often as the men folk do.  The men compete often because that's what boys do ya' know?  The women usually have their bitch-asses in the kitchen making pies.  Or not.  

We usually play women versus men because it's more fun that way and there's no fighting afterwards - just gloating.  The men are rather husbandly about their wins, just enough gloat to say "We won!" (and Please don't poison our dinner because we did win, please!?) Wives show no mercy.  Copious amounts of gloating ensue if the women win.  Us women tend to go for the throat (or lower) when we win.  

I can't think of many things that are more gratifying than busting their collective asses so when the ladies do win, it's awesome.  And quite often, in the middle of a match, if we're winning - I can hear "FINISH HIM!" in my mind.  And I just go crazy.  I get full-on possessed by the pong demons.  Sometimes they let me win but sometimes they get all backed up in there and I beat myself with very bad and greedy plays.

January and February are pretty damn drab at the beach.  Coldest time of year (for the beach - it's a real bitch compared to Minnesota, or so I hear.  Ha!).  I'm so glad it's pong season so we don't go stir crazy!  So what are YOU going to do for the next two months?