Wednesday, September 2, 2009

I'm addicted to other things too

Hi, my name is Jocelyn and I'm addicted to Office Depot.

I honestly think I was more excited about OD coming to town than Wal-mart.  And this is The South, you know I be lovin' me some Wal-Mart, it's a law I do believe.  You can't spend time in Wal-Mart without it being considered as shopping or slacking off.  You can kill 2 hours in Office Depot, call it "research" and still get paid for it.

I was comparison shopping our printer replacement.  

I am seeking the best price for #10 envelopes.  

My head is actually bigger than that fax machine, how DO they do that?

I squeed with delight when the home office approved me obtaining an OD charge card.  That $250 spending limit made my head explode with power!  Then the mailings began.  The Big Book of Office Supplies.  Special!  Sale!  Catalog.  FREE GIFT with your order!!  Coupons!!!  Precious, precious coupons.  Oh yeah baby, you know how momma likes it twenty per cent off.  MMMMmmmm  hmmmm!!  (Is it just me or did it get really hot in here?)

I had to buy something on the expensive side, potentially blowing my $250 limit through it's cheap little heart.  It was a mandatory purchase for the bossman and he and his credit card was out of town.  I knew I couldn't put it on my card without being rejected at the cash register.  But I told the lady who pays the bill and like the  mackin' pimp she is, she DOUBLED that credit limit with one sweet phone call.  OH.  HELLS.  YEAH!!

The coupons came more frequently.  Spend $50, take $10 off!  And like the pure evil of the big bad Pusher Man, they began to come in pairs, "And here's an extra one for your cute, thrifty friend."  As my eyes glazed over with red and white OD's, I was calling friends from nearby offices to make an Office Depot run with me.  "I'VE GOT COUPONS!!  I'LL BE THERE TO PICK YOU UP IN 5 MINUTES!!!"

I started rooting for Carl Edwards because OD was his sponsor.

You can even order online.  ON.  LINE.  I can sit at my desk, surfing Office Depot deals like I'm screening free porn.  I can scratch my butt while perusing inks and toners.  The store staff does not appreciate you scratching your butt in the middle of isle 12.  Not even if you're getting paid to do it.  Joy killers.

Today's trip necessitated out of being SHUNNED out of the free gift while trying to place my order online.  It was a sweet little insulated backpack with matching fleece blanket.  Perfect for all of that hiking and picnicking I do.  *snark*  I planned out my order, reaching the purchase requirement and was crushed when the backpack was sold out.  CRUSHED!!

Realizing my defeat, I backed my order down to what I truly needed and took the "stock up" stuff out of my online cart.  When I tried to check out, OD wanted $10 in shipping fees!  Hello, I have a coupon and I'm not going to WASTE it in shipping!!  (Like a smart pusher, the $100+ order is shipped free, next day.  Anything less expensive and you pay for it.)  Naturally, I deleted everything in the cart and decided to drive to the store.

See, besides the benefit of "time suck"...going to Office Depot fills other desires.  There's this guy that works there....hubba hubba!!  I noticed him years ago on a Wal-Mart trip (again with the WM, I'm such a rule follower!!) with his wife and kid.  He's very similar looking to my husband so yeah, this guy trips my trigger.  I mourned this man's hair cut just as I did my husband's.  (Why do the brown-skinned long-hairs always end up cutting off their hair?)  He's been working at OD for a while now.  Naturally, I look at him because why should men have all the ogle fun?

Today I didn't even think to look for him as I was still devastated by losing out on the backpack.  Fortunately, as I was waiting in the checkout line he walked around the corner and said, "Did you find everything you needed today, ma'am?"

Oh yes, Mr. Sexy Man, I found everything I needed today.  I have my envelopes, my adding machine tape, my free ruler and free cap erasers with $5 purchase.  I just felt you up with my eyes and I have a $10 off coupon.  I have everything I could need.


Lady Ridesalot said...

ROTFLMAO!!! Your such a trip!!

I won't be able to go to OD again without thinking of this post.

BTW... you can get away with a little scratch and a panty tug in isle #19. (shhh)

Nicole said...

The OD?! I have a think for Lowe's and one opened up just less than a mile from my house!
Thankfully I only have a Home Depot card and it is a much longer drive or Chris would have to pimp himself out big time to cover that bill. said...

I've never had a thing for OD, but I had to turn the fan on while reading this post about it! I may have to take a day of vacation to drive down and accompany you on your next in store shopping experience.....

BTW - you are totally doing awesome with the quitting smoking. I am SO impressed.

Jocelyn said...

Thanks Penny, I feel really good about quitting smoking too. It's almost been TOO EASY. I still have one smoke left and I've only thought about it a couple of times.

WORK has been tough though, glad that one smoke is at home because I would have burned it to the filter if it was on me at work. Hell, there's been so much dumbassery this week, I'm surprised I haven't eating out of the buttcan on the back porch!!!