Monday, January 24, 2011

Email to a friend

TO:  Ycart
RE:  Office Decor

If Parks and Rec aired when we were at (that hellish soul sucking job where we shared an office and other things non office-y) I'm fairly certain we would have poo-pooed the Where's Bruce game and built a righteous Ron Effing Swanson altar.  We would dance around it wearing thick black mustaches while feeding Effigy Ron high grade beef jerky.  Please enjoy this cubicle art and sigh with me over what could have been.


Sunday, January 23, 2011

How to train your dragon

I am an Evil Genius.

In the beginning, he absolutely refused to go to the store for me.  I don't want you to get mad at me for not getting the right kind, size, etc.

So I would make him go to the store with me.  At first his job was to push the cart and keep Pooty from escaping.  Then I started pointing so he had to touch the items and get familiar with my habits, also he started getting a little bitchy about how things went into his cart.  I began sending him back tracking to an item I "forgot" an isle or two ago.  I had him willing to hit four stores in one trip, dragging us from one end of the town to the other, so he would know how hard I worked the front end of grocery shopping.

He started working out of town last fall and lots of things had to be readjusted.  One of the good changes was  Sunday mornings at Walmart became a men only event.  Daddy time.  Hunt and gather.  Conquer!  I still do the other store shopping trips but it's a fair price to pay to avoid the big W.  I maximize my advantage by shopping on my lunch hours at work so there is no need for me to be dressed in anything but pajamas on the weekends.

I lovingly put the list in store order, write very descriptive (sour cream, 16 ounces, store brand, avoid reduced/non-fat), note items that have coupons (also in list order) and we have a pre-raid meeting.  Of course I still get at least four to seven phone calls while they're shopping but at least it allows me to gauge how much more Me Time I can get in before the men return.  He just called with a produce question so now I must go and make room for their bounty!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Six months already?

I have an appointment to get my teeth cleaned today.

I just realized, with great horror, I'm probably wearing the same outfit that I wore to my last appointment.
The black hand me down pants that are probably four years old, my comfy black cardigan I scored at the discount store.  On the upside, I am wearing shoes and a shirt I did not have at my last visit.  I got these two items the last time Mom cleaned out her closet.  The shirt is a bit of a lower-cut V so here's hoping a boob doesn't pop out.  The shoes are slides and I will Just. Die. if the right one falls off, I have a HUGE hole in my sock and two, not one, but TWO toes stick out.

Anxiety:  I has it.  (Eeh, and how weird of a word is anxiety?  Where's the freakin' G?  Oh right, this isn't kindergarten homework and I don't have to worry about writing the way the word sounds.)

Know what's even scarier than wearing the same clothes?  The thought of what I must look like all splayed out in that chair when Dr. Dentist comes in.  It can't be a flattering view, I can't pull my shoulders back to poke out my boobs and hide my gut.  My butt may flatten out a bit but it still makes a pretty good lump in the chair and probably makes me look pregnant.  Just a big ball of black blob with a mess-o-curly hair.

It's an x-ray visit this time.  Hopefully my lovely hygienist will forget to put the 20 pound apron away and I'll get to snuggle all comfy...and hide my shame!  She's really nice and professional though and I doubt she would forget.  Is it OK to take a blanket in with me?

Sunday, January 2, 2011

It's just an old wive's tale...

I heard, not once but TWICE over this New Years holiday, that what you spend your time doing New Years Day is what you'll be doing for the rest of the year.  It's possible I've been told this before, but after raising children and birds you learn to tune a lot of stuff out and just listen for keywords like fire, x-rays, accidentally, etc.  This feels like the first time I really listened and heard it.

Homegirl told me that's why she was going to finish getting her house work done New Years Eve so she wouldn't be cleaning New Years Day, therefore selling herself into indentured servant status and cleaning for 365 days straight.  That's what her mama always told her and then I saw someone else mention it on Facebook.

Hmmm...I thought about it when I woke up at a very late 10:00 a.m. and made coffee New Years Day.  I can't remember the last time we slept that late on a Saturday morning.  Usually by 7:30 Junior is standing over the husband's side of the bed saying "Can I please have a bowl of cereal?  Dad, are you wearing your pajamas?"  (Yes, about two months ago Junior joined, and has been assigned as Detective for the Pajama Police.  Those are some funny conversations to hear about and or eavesdrop in on.)  Junior spent the night with my brother's family.  The cousins had a great time playing together.

I couldn't just sit there and do nothing on New Years Day, even after I worked pretty hard NYE day and played hard NYE night (fireworks, tons of sparkler smoke, jerk neighbor and cops, hors d'oeuvres, dessert, dominoes - girls lost, Dick Clark, more fireworks) I could have sat around and done nothing.  I did want to get some work done so I mopped the kitchen and bathroom floors, washed everyone's bedding, cleaned the master bathroom, watched Aliens vs Predator:  Requiem, goaded the husband into running the vacuum cleaner*, worked the organizational side of the Blackberry, and messed around with my Cozi calendar.
*Brother Dear called Saturday evening to let me know that one by one, their household was erupting with pukers and wanted to know if Junior was ok.  At that time, he was just fine.

I feel like I worked pretty hard, but-cha know what??  If I can spend 2011 actually getting my money's worth out of my Netflix account, learn to effectively use my Blackberry for more than just Facebook, keep my calendar planned out and organized, and not just keep the house clean but have help doing it, I'm okay with that.  I welcome it!

And I'm so thankful that Junior waited until January 2nd to get sick and puke-y.  I certainly do NOT want to spend my 2011 chasing him around and catching his vomit in the trash can.  (It certainly beats having to drag out the carpet cleaner though.  It was a pretty sweet mom maneuver if I do say so myself.  I totally say so.)

I know when he recounts the horror of his evening and is telling me about his story tomorrow, hand motions and all, I KNOW he's going to say when he puked it came out of him "like a ball-cane-o" and then I will laugh really hard because 1) How funny is "ball-cane-o"!? 2) his puke was mostly red, the color of hot lava and 3) volcanoes hit me where I live and I have the same thought Every. Single. Time. I hear the word volcano.

My first memory of being sick and staying home from school is of my mom serving me some red fruity jello as a Sorry You Feel Bad Snack.  Seems logical, jello is easy on the tummy and fruit is supposed to be good for you, right?  After eating the snack, I curled up on the three cushioned gold couch and watched a TV show about volcanoes.  When the volcanoes started erupting and the red-hot lava spewed up and out, raining its ooze down the mountains, my fruity jello began to erupt up and out of me, down my blue night gown and as I ran for the bathroom, I left a chunky red trail across the living room floor, down the hallway and to the bathroom.

And that is why I hate red fruity jello.

And maybe volcanoes too.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Gettin' paid

What I did on my paid day off:

  • Washed 3 loads of mandatory pre-weekend laundry:  towels, jeans, colors.
  • Cleaned my bedroom proving the bed is surrounded on three sides by actual floor space.
  • Discovered closet floor, threw out 4 pair of shoes - an act proving I deserved that manicure this week.
  • Made sweet, sweet love to my Kitchen Aid Stand Mixer:  2 loaves of delicious banana nut bread, 1 strawberry pie.  Gave 1 loaf of bread to Homegirl who stopped by for a visit, devoured other loaf and pie at New Year's Eve celebration.
  • Enslaved the new crockpot to heat lil' smokies and bbq sauce to a bubbly goodness.
  • Celebrated my Wolfgang Puck pots and pans first birthday by whipping up a batch of black eyed peas.
  • Cleaned massive war field of a kitchen.
  • Paid bills, balanced checkbook.
These are the days I love my job the most.