Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Victory: Take it where you can get it!

I ran office errands today. I usually do that on Wednesdays but the tree service was there and I was going to have to move the truck anyways....

I parked at the garden center entrance to Walmart.  I went in all renegade-style without a cart.  I picked up hand soap (only a few isles over), salt and pepper (cross majority of store, taking the scenic route through the small appliances to ogle the crock pots), lunch (frozen, almost to the farthest wall of the store) and a pack of toilet paper (apocalypse '72' size).  Then walked aaaaall the way back across the store to the garden center check out.

I am SO counting that as exercise.

Even though getting in to The Walmart via the garden center is a piece of cake, getting out is always interesting.  Due to my shortness, and the underwhelming desire to stand on the brake pedal with one foot, lift/stand with the other leg and contort around in a 360 degree "Is it safe?  Can I move this truck without hitting anything?" view, I will go out of my way to park alone and take a long walk to the store.  I did that today, pulling through into the top parking spot so my big, black pintle hitch hangs into the bottom spot.  Alone.  If I knew it would work, I'd pee on the tires so no one would park around me and my Giant Company Pickup Truck of Paranoia.

Of course, 79% of the time (estimated*) some small car will park next to me making it IMPOSSIBLE for me to pull out of my space the direction I prefer to exit (varies by location).  Today's friendly small car parked on the right side, exactly in the direction I wanted to leave.  Paranoia truck runs away from danger, just like the elephant and mouse.  I exit to the left and I didn't want to make a tight turn into the next isle over so I opt for the next one.

Holy crap, it's the LAST isle.  The access road, the way to the freedom of Main Street is guarded by a long, grassy island.  The island comes to a sharp, pointy end that looks like it has just enough evil in it to take strike out and leave a nasty rub on the tire.  I squinted hard to concentrate, hell I might have even closed one eye but I did it.  A little to the left and a hard swing right, I cleared the pointy island end, even without molesting the space in the empty oncoming traffic lane.  Too badly.  OK.  The lane was empty so of course, I drove the hell all over it.

I'm SO counting that as kick-ass pickup truck driving.

*No math was harmed, or performed, in this post.

Is this what it feels like?

To be a grown up, I mean.

There's been a tree crew clearing up around the power lines outside my office all day and not one single time have I had a daydream / fantasy about that lovely wood chipper they're using!

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Breakin' the Law

Murphy's Law isn't always right.

Sometimes the toast does not land butter side down.

Once in a great while, you will actually catch the toast as it's falling.

With your left hand.

Sure it rained crumbs in a pretty sweet arc pattern.

But you caught the toast.


Monday, November 8, 2010

Isn't it awesome to be a woman?

You know how you know your bastard calendar is telling you your Special Gift from Mother Nature is only 5 days away - not that you need that crappy calendar, your hurty boobs and poor attitude is clear signal....

But you're at work, trapped in your paneled-wall cocoon, super pissed off that you didn't pack any Halloween candy in your bag today because "you don't really need it"  (DIE, Jiminy Cricket, DIE!!  Stupid conscious.), it's Monday, you had to WALK back to the office in the COLD to drop off a stupidly damaged pickup truck and check someone's PRECIOUS FREAKIN' MAIL before you can do any of your duties you were hired to do, and could it BE any HOTTER in this WORK HOLE OF DEATH and NO CHOCOLATE??!!

You remember the watermelon gum.  You dig into your purse for that sacred bag of mints and gum because DAMMIT if you don't have something sweet RIGHT FREAKIN' NOW, your day is going to end with the flash bang of the SWAT team...

And you find THREE mini-size candy bars, glowing in their deliciousness....I am woman!  Hear me munch!!

Suck it hormones, I WIN!!  Yes, I still win, even when I'm laying in the floor surrounded by candy wrappers.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

I am afraid. Very afraid.

I just put my frozen lunch in the microwave.  As I shut the door and pressed start, I remembered I put on a pot of pinto beans for dinner when I left the house this morning.

This is my lunch:

Friday, August 27, 2010

I totally called it!

Dirty words.  I played in the Zen Garden this morning; after swishing, swirling and moving rocks, I ended up with the word FART written in the sand and a pile of rocks to the side.  I'd show you a photo but I left the camera in the car like a dumbass.  (We're a one car family, I only get to drive Monday - Thursday.  I'm a good driver, I can drive on the driveway real good.  And the sidewalk even better!)

I can't even post Junior's photo from his first morning at kindergarten.  Sweet, sweet release, thy name is KINDERGARTEN!!  He's been bugging us all summer to go and when hubs and I delivered him to his classroom this morning we were pretty much dismissed by his small, brown "SHOO!!" hand.

So....in other news, I think the Bible has an error in it.  Forget war, famine and pestilence, I'm pretty sure the first sign of the Apocalypse is my uterus falling out.  Why does getting older have to be such a pain in the ass?  And why, after all these lovely menses years, does my period show up DIFFERENT every freakin' time?  This time around it seems that the tall Y grass in the yard of our un-cut lawn has burrowed itself under my cranky skin.

Don't forget we have a spare lot too.  Full of effing TALL Y GRASS.

RAGE!  I has it, now please pass the Midol!!

Exit 99:  I figured out what all of that oriental-like spam in my comments was about.  They were mostly in Chinese and all trying to sell penis pills.  Awesome.  I'm still not going to moderate (too lazy for that) but at least Blogger seems to have improved controlling unmoderated comments.  I'll try to remember to translate some of them for you next time they show up.  In case you're interested in that kind of stuff.  (Someone please tell me why the internet is controlled/censored in China but they can still spam the crap out of you trying to get you to buy medicine for your hot rocket love needs to please her?)  (And after all these years, how come the internet STILL doesn't know I don't have a penis?)

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Finding Zen, a.k.a. Killing Printers

My brother gave me a Zen Garden (contains; rake, sand, rocks and garden tray) (their semicolon, not mine) for my birthday.  He thinks I deserve some sand of my own to play in since I'm George the Monkey Cat's designated turd scooper.  He's nice like that.  My nephew even brought me a sparkly driveway rock to add to it.

(Cat Side Note:  Why does my cat act like I'm stealing from her when I'm cleaning out the litter box?  I'm serious, she pats my arms down, shakes my collector bag and looks at me as if to say, "Where are you going with my babies?!!?  I made those you know.  I put them there for a reason!"  Anyone else's cat/s do this?)

(Crazy Cat Lady Side Note:  Did I really just blog about cat poop?)

I finally took the garden out of the box today.  I was expecting a bright burst of light into an exploding moment of enlightenment only to be met with the Styrofoam Floaty of Static Clingy-ness and a packet of silica gel giving me the stink eye.   My first thought was "I'm going to need more sand."  When I released the trapped sand from it's tiny confines of a zip lock bag it did pour out to be enough.  Clearly my perspective is off (and not just about sand).  I'm so out of whack lately that I had to look up images on how to play with this thing.  

So I'm going to work on it.  Real hard.  And I do hope to find some zen.  It's been a long, hot summer, my brain is fried and my heart is a bit hurty.  

Who wants to start a pool on how long (or short) it will take me to knock said garden off my desk, therefore puking it's falling guts into my printer?  Anyone?  Bueller?  Bueller?

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Crappy Birthday, America!

7:30ish, George the Monkey Cat is meowing loudly.

I tell him, "Junior!  Go feed your cat!!"

He jumps up out of our bed to tend to his cat duties.

"Dad!  DAD!  DAD!!!" he yells.

Junior has just learned the power of the shart.

I get to the bathroom and it's just as amazing as it is disgusting.  Remember that spinning paint toy from when we were kids?  It was just like that but brown.

Rough way to start the morning, and before the coffee was made!  Junior did come up to me later in the morning and apologize.  "I'm sorry I pooped in the floor, mom."

"Its ok buddy, I know the medicine you're taking for your ear infection is upsetting your tummy."

"Yeah, it makes my poop lazy."


I spent the morning making watermelon ice cream.  It came out great!

I also made three pies:  Strawberry and Keylime Weight Watchers pies and a Texas Lemon pie.  I spent the previous day in the kitchen as well.  I was tired so I took a nap.

When I woke up from my nap I thought it felt hot in here so I went to check the thermostat.  It was set to 72 but read 78.  Great, now on top of the problems we're having with the water heater, we now have a cooling problem.

On the plus side, we're having some fantastic weather so we're not roasting to death in a muggy house.


Cut to this evening, just after we'd finished being entertained by the whistling, exploding, smoking display of our hard earned-easily burned money, trying to get everything put away and everyone inside.

I'm stacking chairs on the porch and Junior walks up.  "Hey mom, you remember this morning when I farted but I pooped instead?"

"Yeah buddy, I sure do."  And OMG, do I ever, it was awful!

"It happened again."

At least this time it was outside and I had a water hose nearby.

Icing on the Crappy Birthday America cake:  I had a nephew puking in the flower bed and a niece with diarrhea blowing up the main bathroom. 

p.s.  The ice cream was delicious.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Status Update: TMI Edition

The ease of Facebook and almost instant gratification has made me a very lazy blogger.  And it's not always appropriate to write the first thing that comes to mind when you read anyone's status update in such a public forum.  So I'll come here, to my area, to say what I want to say.

And sometimes, what I want to say, is just way too much to only say in my head.  I'm afraid my brain will go into "lower intestine mode" (holding in farts...you know what that turns in to) and I'll risk blowing smoke out of my ears.  That's not an attractive look and I'm at that age when I need to feel as attractive as possible.  (Shout out to the lady that carded me at the liquor store last weekend.  When I wasn't wearing any make up!  And yes, I have a witness to testify.)

Last night:

This morning:
Holy crap!  The asparagus pee is killing me.  I usually cook with frozen stir fry vegetables, but since I've been back on the FlyLady gig,  I had fresh vegetables on hand to use:  asparagus, cabbage and onion.  I left the asparagus whole, making it easier for the haters to pick around.  There was lots of extra asparagus for me.  So yeah, gross.

I did have a great time cooking it up though.  Teenage angst, guerrilla budgeting and PMS have made it a very stressful week.  I was going to use my time in the kitchen for good, not evil.  I took my time, I paid attention to detail, I had everything chopped up and organized before I turned the wok on.

Oh my precious, sweet, miracle-making wok, how I love thee!  Wolfgang Puck Electric Wok, you complete me.  In the kitchen, not in any other way.  In other ways, you're really boring.  But in the kitchen, my dear Franklin, you make my heart soar and my taste buds cry for mercy.  

And you also give me a great shoulder work out with all the stirring movements.  Armed with a silicone spatula in each hand I lovingly scoop and toss the chicken about, yelling around the corner to "open the windows and get a cross breeze going so the fire alarm doesn't get smoked up and start screaming."  Because I'm a professional cook like that.  *snort*

I'm having some second thoughts about the asparagus patch we planted a few weeks ago....

Friday, March 19, 2010

I Like BIG COUPONS and I Can Not Lie!

I feel so powerful after a trip to the grocery store these days.  Hell, it takes me almost two days of coupon collecting, paper reading, list making and menu planning before I even touch a grocery cart handle, I deserve to feel powerful.  

Sometimes though, I think I may be taking it a bit too far.

Not just a post about the power of saving and a tasty lunch, but I had to comment on it too?

And my poor, dear husband - light a candle for him.  He has to LISTEN to me BRAG about it.  Often.  And a lot.  "In sickness and health, for richer or poorer" covers Coupon Crazy, right?

Friday, January 29, 2010

I joined a cult.

I finally succumbed to the Digital Side and got hard core cable with a DVR so I would never, ever have to miss a moment of LOST.

Also, I'll be able to watch Robot Chicken ON DEMAND because I'm old and can't stay up that late anymore.  Sometimes being a grown up ROCKS!!

Thursday, January 28, 2010

When I grow up...

Click and drag
Right click
Search Google for

When I grow up, I want to be Google.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

They're so cute at that age.

I've been hoarding 2 Mucinex pills since the last time I had a cold...about 2 years ago.  I remembered the stash and shoved the bottle at the Husband.

TAKE THESE or I will suffocate you in  your sleep.

Husband spent all of yesterday blowing and hacking.  When his foreman asked him if he was OK, he confirmed that Mucinex was good stuff.  Thanks for the confirmation Foreman, I'm totally baking you a cake this weekend!

Because Sir Hacks a Lot had me all sleep deprived, I forgot to swing by the store for Mucinex, bread and milk.  I DID remember to bring home Pizza Hut because I had every single intention of eating and passing out as soon as we got home.  When I snapped to (remembering I forgot...weird!) Husband offered to go for me.  SWEET!  He even took Junior with him.  Suck up!!

As I was almost asleep in the recliner, my phone rings, it's him.

"What color is the box?"

What do you mean what color is the box?  I gave you a bottle this morning, not a box and the last time I bought it was 2 years ago.

"Well there's a blue one but it's $30.00!"

Dude, I don't care what the price is.  If it will SHUT YOU THE HELL UP, it's worth it!!  Also, it's the same price as the doctor's co-pay, which you won't go to so just buy the damn things!!

Sir Hacks a Lot didn't show up until 5:00 this morning.  And I slept like a log.  I win.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

I don't want to and you can't make me. Dammit.

I've been sitting on the sidelines because I haven't been good company lately.  I got an RX that makes that a bit better and while I continue to struggle with the good and evil in taking a pill, I'm ... I am.

Facebook is totally killing my blog and making me lazy.  That's what the title is about.  I'm in a pissy mood and I should be working.  At least I wrote it here instead of cheating and dumping it on FB.  (Which today, my status reads:  is feeling stabby today.  HRUMPH!)

I am absolutely SICK AND TIRED of folks who are SICK AND TIRED!

Last week Junior was diagnosed with a double ear infection, sinus infection and pink eye.  I wanted to just break his leg while we were in the doctor's office so we could get that tended to as well.  SHEESH!!  Since he was so full of bugs he had to take the nastiest antibiotic known to man.  Twice a day for FOURTEEN DAYS.  Our health insurance gives us free prescriptions so I had the $30 to buy bribes to get him to take the 3 ml of milky white sand liquid twenty-eight times.  Twenty.  Eight.

Then the Husband brought home a cold from work.  And of course, he doesn't ever want to go to the doctor to get meds  to fix him so I get to listen to him hack and cough.  Even when I'm sleeping.  Or rather, trying to sleep.  WTF is wrong with men?  When I am sick, I go to the doctor, take my meds and try to be extra quiet when I'm coughing up a lung.  You know, still be considerate to others that I live with.  Especially when it's 3:00 in the morning and everyone is asleep.  I sure have enjoyed the past week in the bedroom.  SNARK!  I don't even have to put a quarter in the Magic Fingers to get the bed all shaky, Sir Hacks a Lot does it for me.

Woot!  You are sucking major ass.  How come the Woot Offs have been consistently coinciding with my mortgage payment's due date?  I have to save all month to pay it and then you dance your wiggly butt across my screen trying to get me to buy something.  And you're doing it on Kids.Woot! at the same time!!??  I thought you were my friend and that you loved me.  Buncha whores.

Jeebus, after re-reading this I don't think I'm good company NOW, let alone over the past few months!!  I'm hungry and I'm going to go bitch me up some lunch.