Tuesday, January 27, 2009

I'll take Intimidation for $200, Alex.

Once upon a time (about 11 years ago), in a land far away (about 25 miles from here) I tried out for Wheel of Fortune.  I made it to the second round testing and failed miserably.  It was awesome and fun to try.  The Jeopardy! bus rolled into town a short while later and I let someone convince me that I would just be wasting my time.  Like a weak dumbass, I listened and did not even try.

I have another shot at Jeopardy!  Tonight at 8:00 pm I'll be taking the online Jeopardy! test.  I AM STOKED!  It's only 50 questions and spelling doesn't count ("but try to be accurate" the rules state).  

You don't have to answer in the form of a question either.  This is the area I have the most trouble with.  I can shout answers at the TV like I've been touched with some kind of "special" but I generally forget about the question part.  If I actually do make it to the show, Alex would spend a great deal of time marking my answers WRONG and possibly just duct tape my mouth shut to speed up the game.

You can go here and register to take the test.  The test schedule is based by location so East Coast is tonight and you'd better get to steppin' to make the 8:00 deadline.

I just hope I can beat Junior to the computer tonight!

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Role Model: FAIL!

"I want to thank God for somehow … I know he perfect. So I'mma thank him for everything. I'mma thank him for making me drop out of school. I'mma thank him for making me run the streets. I'mma thank him for making me sell crack. I'mma thank him for making me have shoot-outs. I'mma thank him for allowing me to watch my partners die in my arms, So I'd be fearful enough for my life and paranoid enough to go out and cop machine guns and silencers so I catch a fed case and I have to put up $3 million for my bond so I have to spend seven months of my life in my house, so I have to spend a year of my life in prison just so I be validated enough to get out there and touch the youth because they know that I done been through it, and if I say it, it means something. You know what I'm saying?"

- Rapper T.I. told revelers at the Hip Hop Inaugural Ball in D.C.

This dummy spouting this trash is why I'm so glad the borrowed one is with us.  He can blast that garbage coming out of the bedroom all day long...JUST DON'T YOU EVER, EVER EMULATE THIS DUDE.  At least the Husband and I are around to ride his ass like a monkey and say NO! NO!  BAD RAPPER.  

And don't even start the "I'm not a role model" talk.  The instant you play or sing that first note, take a part in a play, score a point, sleep with someone who can get you stuff - trust me, SOMEONE is watching you.  And wanting to be Just.  Like.  You.

Mr. T.I., nobody made you drop out of school.  Your parents/immediate family just didn't ride your ass like a monkey and MAKE YOU FINISH.  "Imma" suggest you go back and take a grammar lesson or twelve.

Nobody made you run the streets.  Your parents/immediate family just didn't ride your ass like a monkey and MAKE YOU COME HOME AT A DECENT HOUR AND BE ACCOUNTABLE FOR WHO YOU WERE RUNNING WITH.

Nobody made you sell crack.  You were too proud of your drop-out self to flip burgers at McDonald's and EARN money.  You didn't want The Man to ride your ass like a monkey.  You poisoned your own community to make instant money.  And lots of it.  Way to support your community!

Nobody made you participate in shoot-outs.  Slinging dope and running the streets as you pleased got you into some dark places.  Dark places have dark rules and darker consequences.  That would be why your partners died in your arms.  Thanks for showing enough care for your community to at least hold them while they died.

Of course, a cache of machine guns AND silencers are the best way to protect yourself.  Don't worry with security systems, security staff (real ones, not your strapped homies) and knowing how the law can protect you.  Especially now that you're rich and famous.  Real world rules don't apply to the rich and famous.

And you poor, poor dear.  You've spent most of last year locked up inside your house.  I'm sure your master bedroom has more square footage than my WHOLE ENTIRE HOUSE.  There's probably a stripper pole installed in your in-house bar/party area.  You must own at least one of every game system known to man, pool table, maybe a nice basketball court - my point is your house is no jail.  You were condemned to spend seven months in your own funhouse.  Life's a real bitch dude.  They should have made your home sentence to be in a shithole in the projects.

You still have to serve your one year in jail.  Federal prision, where you will serve at least 85% of your time so you'll likely be there 10 months.  I hope your warden and guards set you up somehow and you have to serve your full year IN PRISON.  There's no stripper pole in prison - unless your cellmate is BUBBA.  And I am SO HOPING your prision is just like OZ.  While you would be lucky that someone like Adebisi makes you his bitch, I'm hoping for something a little on the stronger side:  Vern Schillinger.  He'll make your butthole burn and set your brain on fire at the same time.

And Mr. T.I. said all of this while attending an even to celebrate the first black president's inauguration.  

I need some asprin before I bust a cap in someone's ass.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Anonymous Asshole


There he is being an asshole.  (I'd thought about copy/paste on the photo and decided I didn't want to try to get sued.)

Dude, I can totally see your face!  You ain't foolin' NO ONE.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Should this piss me off?

I love my Google Reader.  I make a list of stuff I like to read, it shoots me updates and I'm happy.  It even makes suggestions for me of things I could possibly like to read.  One suggestion is Motorcycle News.  

Today's two cents from Motorcycle News is referencing the Brad Pitt article in W magazine.

EXIT 99:
Last year when Mr. Pitt was actively riding his chopper around LA - before the family bolted to France so Angie could pop out the twins - I tried contacting Perez Hilton and asking him to include a "May is Motorcycle Awareness Month" message when he posted photos like that.  The email was not answered and that project never got off the ground BUT at that time I had considered Mr. Pitt to be a good diving board for the message since he did occasionally ride around town.  Back to the story...

So TODAY, when the Reader gave me this article, I think I got pissed.  I'm almost certain I am pissed.  The MCN link is here.  They also provide a link to the article in W.  Here's what offends me:

The interview says: “As he gets up to leave, Pitt says that the family is awaiting him at home, where they’ll all have dinner together with Pitt’s parents, who are visiting from Missouri. All he must do is evade the paparazzi to get there—and he’s confident he knows how.

"“This is my anonymity,” he says, brandishing the motorcycle helmet in an upraised hand before he breezes out the door. “With it, I’m just another a--hole on the streets.”

Am I reading this too "PC"?  It drives me bat-shit insane to read/watch/listen to certain things about motorcycling.  I've written many an angry letter to the local TV news outlets and newspapers when they concentrate their focus of an m/c crash story on the magic helmet status.  NC law states you must wear a helmet and generally crash victims are wearing helmets but its magic DOES NOT save you from a drunk driver/distracted driver who crashes into you.  

Mr. Pitt is a celebrity who rides, and that's a good thing.  I like seeing motorcycling promoted.  Molly Culver did a great job here.  (FYI - I don't believe the MSF is the actual devil but they can be rather snobbish and unruly at times.)  I appreciate any good message regarding motorcycling. 

Is Mr. Pitt's statement of "With it, I'm just another asshole on the streets." relegating the wearing of a helmet to mean that folks who wear helmets are assholes?  I personally believe helmets are a choice.  If I wear a helmet that doesn't make me an asshole.  The dark parts of my heart and ego make me an asshole.  Fortunately for me, I do know how to use my powers for good or evil.

Is Mr. Pitt implying that folks who ride motorcycles are assholes?  Motorcycles reduce parking congestion (2 or 3 in one space!), ease wear and tear on roads (2 or 3 wheels pounding instead of 4 to 18), consume less fuel (dude, mc sales thru the roof when gas got so expensive!), emit much less bad stuff into the air and have a greater passenger ratio or something like that (I ALWAYS got that one wrong but its supposed to be something about moving two people more efficiently on a bike than in a car).  When you look at all of those points, basically bikers are a bunch of tree huggers doing good for Mother Earth.  Is Mr. Pitt calling these tree-hugging bikers a bunch of assholes?

It is possible that Mr. Pitt is referring to traffic in general as a bunch of assholes.  Right?

I know Mr. Pitt is a do-gooder.  I appreciate how he has donated his time and money to various causes and charities.  Somehow, I don't think he's ever cut a check to any ABATE chapter (or any MRO - local, state or federal).  Could you imagine what kind of good an MRO could do for bikers with that kind of money?  Hell, we manage to scrape by just visiting the local area high schools in the driver's ed classes.  It only costs a couple hundred of bucks a year for OUR county, one in 100 state-wide.  And that's just driver awareness/sharing the road with motorcycles.  We could host motorcycle training/refresher skills once a month with a fat budget. 

There's currently no comments on the article so I'm just not sure how I should feel about this one.  What do you think?

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Is it just me?

I occasionally watch the show The Doctors.  Occasionally.  More specifically if there's nothing on the Speed Channel or if nobody is showing King of the Hill episodes.

I am extremely annoyed by the guy who always wears scrubs.  Dude, you piss me off when you come to work in your PJs.  I'm at work and I am not wearing PJs.  

The plastic surgeon guy is very plastic.  He's prissy but tolerable.

The nerdly doctor in the coat just seems like he's the designated middle child.

The chick doctor is the Gyno.  Every time I watch the show I can't help but flash back to The Dark Crystal.  You guys seen that movie?  I think my parents still own a VHS copy of it.  It's a good movie and if your kids aren't too young or too old, they'll like it too.

Back to the doctor chick - here's her photo:

And then I think about how much she looks like Kira:

And if I came across said doctor looking like a Gelfing...I'd be RUNNING out of that office because you must be THIS TALL to convince me to sit in stirrups while you check out my goodies.

I think I'm addicted to vodka now.

Who watched Nip/Tuck last night?

Did anyone catch much of the story line between all the damned commercials?  Seriously, there was maybe 30 minutes of SHOW.

My liver cringes every time I think about Smirnoff now.  Thanks for hosting the premiere Smirnoff but next time, can you shell out a little more cash so we can watch the SHOW, not 8 gazillion commercials?

Thanks Ryan for spending the first 20 minutes of the hour explaining IN GREAT DETAIL how that crazy bitch got inside and stabbed up Sean.  Like the final images of last season's finale of him laying on the floor gurgling blood weren't enough for me to catch on.

And HELLO!!!???  Annie was being anesthetized to death on the operating table, Liz gets her somewhat stable and then we get NO FURTHER updates on her condition?  That kid never gets no love.  I hope they don't pay her by the on-screen nano-seconds she gets.  In fact, they probably owe her a fat check for pain and suffering of NOT being on the show she's supposed to be on. 

The man whore ended up with breast cancer.  Very ironic and kind of fitting.  He's not so indestructible after all.  It was so very funny to see him feeling up Liz at her boob reduction consult.  Still doesn't make up for all the damned commercials.

I'm not sure where to lay blame on my disappointment of the episode:  FX or Ryan Murphy.   

Most likely it's all Kurt Sutter's fault.  Kurt's got a solid show in SOA and he can cram lots of information and story into the time he's allotted.  Kurt fed me a whole season of goodness that I ate - heartily!  Even the parts that fell to the floor and were covered in dog hair.


Monday, January 5, 2009

You too Russ?


I am hating my body these days.  More specifically, I am hating my aging woman body.  

She is so tricky now.  What once was the norm is not even close to what she was:  normal, schedule-worthy, dependable, bitchy but tolerable.  Now she's turning into a cranky old hag.

I spent last week wondering if I should RUN!  DO NOT WALK!! to the nearest drug store so I could pee on a stick.  YO!  21 day Bitch!  WHERE ARE YOU???  Three weeks off, one on - let's go already!

Finally on Friday the boobs started aching and instead me feeling relief of not missing my favorite punctuation mark (.) I panicked because they usually ache the week before Aunt Flo shows up.   By Friday night, Flo was here and I was ever so happy to raise my glass to her appearance!

So she's here but she's different this time.  She gets a little more different every month now.  She's seriously pissing me off.  I hate her.  She makes me crazy.

I think she is rebelling because I made the change-up on her.  I did buy one of these and I actually use it.  My reasons were simple, low-maintenance but mostly related to the costs of her annual upkeep.  Oh yeah, for the tree-huggers - it's also Mother Earth friendly - NO TRASH!!  

She didn't seem to mind it the first time.  I think she laughed a little.  I know I laughed A LOT (all the way to the bank!).  When Diva and I met there was polite hand-shaking and awkward staring but we worked it out together.  And here we are at cycle two, Diva and I came together like old friends this time.  

I'm wondering if she's just giving me and Diva a hard time because outside of the cramping....me and Diva have pretty much tamed the savage beast.  No panicked trips to the store because even though I looked thru all the drawers and purses I can't find one single tampon.  No dragging of the "special bag" around.  No digging for quarters to buy a crappy tampon out of an even crappier tampon machine.

Let's back up to cramping for a minute.  Ladies, I'm not shitting you when I say my cramps are NOTHING now that Diva is around.  I hurt where I'm supposed to hurt, in my uterus and a little in my back.  

Before Diva, my whole body ached - specifically the tops of my thighs because I usually spent the week all tensed up from hurting.  And let's be honest ladies....your period stinks.  We all have a smell, but that time of the month with paper products just STINKS.  With Diva, there's nothing to stink up the place.  

I can not believe I have let myself suffer thru the tampon experience for 22+ years (holy crap that just made me feel REAL OLD).  And I hope you will consider bringing a Diva home for yourself.  My friend's daughter is graduating from high school this year and she's going into nursing.  I've got just enough shine on my brass balls to give her a Diva Cup for graduation.  I can not even imagine trying to care for the sickly when I'm worried about if I just "leaked" all over my scrubs or just having to worry about my period at all.  Diva is that awesome.

Um....so, yeah.  I just said all of that.  Out loud.  For all the internets to see.  Sheesh, with the big 20th high school reunion coming up and my latest Facebook activities.....yep, I can already feel the pointing and hear the quiet whispering, "You know what she wrote about on her blog!?"

But there's no way in hell you'd catch me wearing that little Diva pin out in public.  I do have some standards.

I know Daisy!