Thursday, December 8, 2011

PINK - Day Three

Better day today!  I spent some time looking over the PINK message boards on and it was nice to see some feedback from all angles.  Some folks are losing faster than I am, some are slower.  Lots of folks complaining about headaches too.  I found some answers to questions I'd asked myself.

I've been drinking Pink drink #1 all three days because that's the only thing I had all the ingredients for.  There is no hemp protein powder to be had in Shall Oat but I did find coconut water and liquid stevia at the GNC.  GNC is conveniently located next door to Subway, I took Junior to dinner there last night.  I needed some working time tonight and it was easier to buy him a pizza than cook two meals at home.  Subway smelled DELICIOUS and thinking about how it smelled is making my tummy grumble right now!  He ended up only eating one quarter of the pizza so it was very easy to pack his lunch today!

So freakin' delicious!

I had a great salad for lunch, baby spinach and left over chicken breast, tons of veggies and sweet balsamic vinaigrette dressing.  I didn't have a lot of time for food prep in the morning before I left the house so most of my ingredients were brought whole to chop up and assemble at the office.  I cleaned out the corner of my "kitchen" at the office and made a nice work area and I actually had a really nice time playing chef.  Over the years I've stocked up a few tools (peeler, grater, knife, modified cutting board).  My cutting board leaves room for improvement, it is the freezer tray that came with the mini-fridge.  Doesn't really work great but good enough to get the job done.  I'm thinking of utilizing the spare glass fridge shelf in its place.  I think that feeling of accomplishment and claiming a food work space was the best part of the meal.

Not fancy, yes I have a HUGE salad bowl!
I figured out how to steam vegetables in my Pampered Chef rice cooker by using no fat butter spray, a little salt and pepper and 3 minutes in the microwave.  I'm just amazed by what that rice cooker can do!  I enjoyed a nice helping of broccoli and cauliflower with a lean beef patty for dinner.  The beef patties are getting old quick but grocery monies are limited so I started the program with what I had and what I could afford to buy.  To spice patty up for dinner I used yellow mustard as a dipping sauce.  I'm glad there were so many lean proteins on sale this week when I checked the Food Lion and Lowe's Foods circulars!!

I am suffering from a side effect of this diet - I have color in my skin!  We went to the Christmas parade Saturday and sat on the Burn Your Eyes Out With The Sun side of the street so I was thinking maybe my face color was just sunshine.  Then I noticed my hands and I had gloves on for most of the parade, and a long sleeve shirt.  I'm a chronic hand stare-er.  I've been mortified how age has showed on my hands these past 10 years.  Normally my hands are pale and cold but now my hands and arms have a nice bronze-y pink glow.  Junior remarked at how warm my hands were last night, I've also noticed the tip of my nose is no longer a block of ice. Maybe the color is from all the strawberries and tomatoes?

My body feels different.  Weird.  It's kind of like I don't have a "bloat" any more.  Not that I was aware that I had bloat before.  My back fat does not feel as fat anymore.  My face feels smaller.  I can tell there is less inner thigh to rub together when I walk.

Day Three Results:  I followed the program with no cheats.  I quit drinking green tea by 6:00 and finished the day out with water, adding half a lemon or lime to each glass so I didn't have any trouble getting to sleep.  Day Two's sleep sucked ass because I started drinking green tea so late in the day and kept on while I watched the SOA finale.  (Where the hell did Opie go?!  He's totally missing church!!) I was wide awake at 11:00 pm!!  Total weight lost 4 lbs in three days.  Woo hoo!

Pimp My Mom

If you are looking for a great Christmas present and you would like to support a local, small business, please consider shopping with Just Hand Made.  Vonetta is my mother and you can see her fabulous work on her Facebook page.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

PINK - Day Two

Day Two can be summed up as MAMA WANT SUGAR!!!

Very bad sugar cravings today so I chewed sugar free watermelon gum, very cow-like.  I was getting to the point I was sick of water so I finally made me a pitcher of green iced tea.  YAY for cold caffeine!!  I switched from drinking out of a water bottle to a cup because the bottle was annoying me as well.  I've been backing each cup of green tea with one cup of water.  It's a nice change up.

I was disappointed the breakfast smoothie didn't seem as sweet as it did the first day but it was still really delicious, and filling.  Lunch was a repeat of salad and beef patty but I did run out to buy some low-cal dressing to make it more exciting.  The two tablespoons I'm allowed was put on the salad and I ate that first, then sopped up the remaining dressing with the meat.  Which left me feeling a little "Desperate much?" but if that's the only bit I can have for the day, I'm going to have Every. Single. Bit. Dammit.

I cooked grilled chicken breasts for dinner and conned Junior into eating one too.  Ketchup can do amazing things!  I also whipped him up a blue box of mac and cheese heaven and I did not dive face first into that pot.  I finished my dinner off with some leftover broccoli.  Junior managed to make very healthy snack choices (banana AND apple) before dinner so I let him slide with the "orange" and chicken.  He acts like you're trying to shoot him in the face when you make him eat one tiny little tree of broccoli.

I've heard that attitude is everything and I"m trying to remember that.  Not focusing on what I can't have but being excited and praising myself for making good food choices.  Believe it or not, I don't want to black my own eye...yet.

A few weeks ago I decided to be a little more faithful about "it applies the lotion to the skin" because I was getting a really bad case of winter dry itchies.  In only two short days of the PINK Method, I can certainly tell a difference in my gut and butt fat during lotion time.  I'm proud of me!

Day Two Results:  I followed the program with no cheats, enduring a pretty nasty sugar craving.  I did feel a bit hungry when I went to bed but some water helped that go away.  Total weight lost 3.5 pounds.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Pink - Day One

It's no secret that I'm a big, fat girl.  It is a secret that I've been hating my body for a long time now.

It's no secret that I watch Dr. Phil.  It is a secret that I drank the Kool Aid from the P.I.N.K. Method show that aired November 29th.  I entered the drawing to win the system and prize pack.  If it's free, it's for me, right?

And then I thought about how I normally spend $80:  half of an electric bill, monthly pittance to Home Depot, eating out 3 times in a week, a week of groceries, a trip to Walgreens.  (Yes I spent $80 in the Walgreens but that included a Christmas present, some food, beverages and I won't have to buy hand soap or body wash for a long while.  Coupons are your friends AND I managed to beat Walmart prices!!)

I really struggled with making the choice to spend money on a diet.  What if I actually win the drawing?  Hell, I won an iPad and lingerie money this year, I AM A WINNER!  I visited the PINK website a few times that Monday and finally clicked Add To Cart at 4:00 that afternoon.  If I do actually win, I'll have a system to pass to a friend.  Yes, I will selfishly keep the Vitamix blender for myself but I will give away my Magic Bullet and all it's goodies with the system.

I dreaded receiving it in the mail, receiving it meant effort, work, commitment.  After watching the package tracking, I did go to the post office as soon as it was delivered.  I read the book Thursday afternoon and started buying diet items by Friday.  There is a package of Jillian's Protein Whey Powder on my counter.  I am disappointed it does not yell at you when you open it.

I did spend the weekend enjoying my last 6 pack of Coke, eating Christmas parade candy and being quite slovenly in general.  It was kind of like a grieving process.

My favorite part of the PINK Method is that you kind of gradually go into it.  Because of my starting size I have 14 days to spend on the Reset portion and during these 14 days all I have to do is eat right.

Day One went quite well.  The breakfast smoothie was much tastier than I expected.  The food prep hasn't been that bad.  Sure I was grilling lean beef patties at 7:00 in the morning but on that same note, I was making lunch for a week!  I did carry plenty of food with me to work, lots of veggies. And last night I only felt like processing one package of chicken breasts so I could have some dinner, but I did it.

I have horrible caffeine withdrawal headaches due to no coffee but a cup or two of green tea is helping with that.  I was almost too scared to run errands at work yesterday because it is too easy to stop by somewhere to get a drink or a snack but I faced the demon and had a successful trip.  Even after I dumped the ENTIRE water pitcher into the floor (AGAIN) I got back on track and drank all the water I needed to.  And re-installed that shelf in the mini-fridge.

I did have a hard time when it came to preparing Junior's dinner.  I had to chant I WILL NOT DESTROY MY DAY WITH BACON while I cooked him up a breakfast dinner.  Same deal with breakfast, I usually chomp a few pieces of cereal when I pour his.  I actually caught myself reaching into the bag, I'm glad my brain screamed NO! NO! and I listened.

It was a busy, stressful day at the office and I was really tired when I came home.  After taking care of Junior's dinner, homework, reading assignments and shower time I almost broke down and to make a sandwich just to eat something but I fought it.  I got up and took care of the chicken and was amazed by how much 4 ounces of chicken breast really is.  I was pleasantly surprised that squeezing a lemon over some microwaved broccoli is pretty tasty, I didn't miss the salt at all.  I did end up eating pretty late though.

I went to couch at 9:15, woke up at 12:30, turned off the Christmas lights and went to bed.  I had some crazy dreams and was awake at 5:00, 30 minutes before the alarm went off.

Day One Results:  I followed the program with zero cheats, didn't feel hungry or deprived and had a 2.5 lb weight loss.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Thank you

Thanks Suzy!  I'm hoping it's the best $7.95 I ever spent, and it will cover my entire backside.  The parts its supposed to anyway.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Is it wrong to appreciate roadkill?

So I found this one morning while I was taking Junior to school.

I realize this probably makes me a total asshat in a lot of folks eyes and I'm ok with that.  There's LOTS of reasons I piss people off.  But this guy, he was a great leave!  Those stiff zombie arms that break so gently at the wrists, mouth agape and he's flat on his back. He's in such good shape, I do wonder if he wandered out into the middle of the road, saw a car coming and had a "HOLY SHIT!  CAR!!" squirrel heart-attack and just keeled over right there on the spot.

This is a very high-traffic road with no shoulder and morning school traffic is no place to be assing around.  Also, I was driving my mom's car and the driver's window doesn't roll up and down, only down.  I was very disappointed to know I had to drive away from Squirrely, undocumented.  As I drove away I hoped he would still be there when I came back 10 hours later, but I wasn't going to hold my breath.

As luck would have it, Mother of The Year (yes, me!) forgot it was her snack day for Junior's kindergarten class.  The thought of depriving 23 five-year olds of $18 worth of applesauce, pretzels and juice boxes about tore me out of the frame and I feared for their teachers' safety.  Thankfully I remembered this just before my lunch hour so I made a frantic call to the school's front desk to alert them I'd be RIGHT THERE with some snacks.  SNACK-A-GAWEA to the rescue!!

When I pulled off the highway, I tore around the corner on two wheels and I noticed Squirrely was still there, in tact!  I doubt the Other Moms were driving around Squirrely to admire him but more worried about getting fur in their tires.  Either way, thank you Other Moms!!

Adrenaline pumping from the power walk to deliver snacks straight to the classroom (which, from the main entrance, is the very last freaking class room in the entire building) I managed to get back out on to road to zero traffic.  Remember, there's no shoulder and the window doesn't work.  So I scooch far over in the lane without dropping mom's car into the boggy ditch and get out of the car and start snapping photos.  I'm taking my last photo when I see a logging pickup come around the corner and the look on his face confirms what he's thinking....
What in the hell is this woman doing in the middle of the road taking pictures of a dead squirrel!?
I gave Pickup Man a friendly little wave as he passed by me and he gave me that really confused smile/wave combo.  And if one witness wasn't enough, his buddy driving the tractor/lowboy behind him gave me the funny look too.

Timing is everything and I'm glad to be water cooler fodder because when I did come back thru that afternoon, Squirrely was gone.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Well, I do declare!


 verb \di-ˈkler\

Definition of DECLARE

transitive verb
: to make known formally, officially, or explicitly
obsolete : to make clear

  • I still live in the small town I attended high school, as do a lot of my former classmates.  
  • I graduated in 1989 and if I'm doing the maths right, that was twenty-two years ago.  
  • We are all pushing or have achieved 40 years upon this Earth.  (Suck it Fake Rapture!)
  • I have pushed two kids out of my body, ladies - you know what that does to your brain.
I had to make a run to The Walmart (small town rule #1:  stores are always proceeded by "The") yesterday after work and picking up Junior.  I only needed chicken bog supplies (chicken quarters, rice, sausage, celery, onions) so I checked out in the 20 items or less Express Lane.

The man in line before me was buying two tomatoes.  Junior and I were discussing God Knows What (conversations with him change every five seconds) when the man in front of me joined in and starts talking to me like he knows me.  After noticing the logo on his shirt (a vendor we use at work) I asked, "Do I know you?" (see also what having kids does to your brain)

This short, bald, Fu Man Chu-ed man with blue eyes says to me in an almost accusatory tone, "Well you should, you went to West Brunswick High School."

*blink*  *blink*

This is the part where I remember A) I'm in The Walmart, B) I'm toting a nearly six-year old with me, and  C) Even though I can hear the sweet sound of 10 pounds of chicken smacking upon that shiny bald head, Madea is NOT my middle name, so I casually wave him off, "Oh, I don't remember much about high school."  And that is very true, I can remember my fellow band nerds, folks who were nice to me and folks who were not so nice to me but NO, I can not remember every single person who attended school while I was there.

Twenty-two years later I am still fat, I still sport long brown curly hair, I still have beautiful buck teeth and I still have big boobs.  Thanks to Mary Kay skin care lessons and good mustache grooming, I am a very close representation of the 1989 me with slightly smaller hair and better makeup.  

I can guaran-damn-tee you that if I locate my 1989 year book I will not find one single photo of a short, bald, Fu Man Chu-ed man with blue eyes.  Why the hell am I expected to recognize you immediately, on the spot in The Damn Walmart twenty-two years later?

So hear me now Everyone I Went to High School With:  I don't give a shit about high school anymore.

But if you would like to say, "Hey, you look familiar, did we go to high school together?" I would LOVE to kill 20 minutes with you in the greeting card section down at The Walmart!

Monday, May 9, 2011


Sometimes I buy things because they are on sale and he likes them.

Sometimes I cook things for him and include those sale items he likes.

And sometimes, when I'm in that happy morning spot and the warm coffee hits my belleh, I remember...

...sometimes those favorites have side effects.  And I will secretly laugh to myself and hope the jalapeños come out a little hotter than when they went in.

BUT, only sometimes.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Doing it for the flowers

Sometimes I feel bad for my downstairs neighbor.  I'm wearing my wedge shoes today and my feets are a bit on the stompy side.  I know the noise up here can be loud from time to time.  I was the downstairs neighbor for a good five years and during that time a guy who ran on a treadmill lived upstairs.

I think about how my neighbor, who shows absolutely no physical signs of being handicapped or have limited walking abilities, refuses to park in the 30 or so available spaces on the asphalt.  He parks in the freaking GARDEN under the magnolia tree.  Every.  Single.  Day.  Because that 10' walk to you door is a wicked killer, amirite?

I pray for rain each day he is here (doesn't work very hard, only here about 25% of the time - not a very successful business model if you ask me).  The garden area is low-lying and collects a ton of water when the sky leaks.  He even DROVE OVER the patch of bell flower things that despite being driven over all winter, still emerged when awakened by spring.  While the damn things are in bloom!

When fat girl decides to wear cute, strappy wedges to work it actually sounds like BIG FOOT is answering the phones up here.  And she does NOT want you tiptoeing or driving on the mf-ing tulips!!!

Thursday, March 31, 2011

It's Thursday! That's the new Friday!!

My hours got cut at work again.  I lose the equivalent of one paycheck a month, it's absolutely horrid.  Know what pisses me off even more than that?  When we stick to the new budget, we still get all the bills paid.  Some of it is the hubs ability to work an hour or six of overtime at least once a month, but most of it is just bad money management.  One of these days I'm going to grow the hell up and start feeding the damn pig on a regular basis.

Elder Spawn showed up out of the blue last week.  He received his quarterly "injun money" and hopped on a flight home!  After spending a REAL winter with lots of snow in Missouri and Kansas I highly suspect he visited mostly for the weather and he was not disappointed, it was absolutely gorgeous!  I'm really proud of him, he managed his time wisely and everyone was glad to see him.  He even did HOMEWORK on his vacation!  I swear every time he says Calculus I want to puke, that's some scary math!

We had a nice family dinner at Nana & Mr. Grandpa's Sunday afternoon and I got to cook for him Thursday night.  He requested beef and hominy soup and frybread.  I'm pretty sure I'm the world's worst Native American but I do have some mad frybread skills.  Check this one out, it looks like a chicken, ready for the roasting pan!

I got some new clothes!  I've been trying to lose a few lbs and with the money being tight I was terrified of buying new pants.  I don't think $25 worth of jeans would break our bank but I just couldn't make the buy.  What if my butt started getting bigger?  Can't we put that $25 on the Home Depot card so I can maybe paint the freakin' house?  I thought about going to the second hand stores but I have plenty of faded jeans and I wanted some dark blue denim in the worst way.  And I came about my new clothes IN the worst way:  hand-me-downs from a deceased girlfriend.

I received clothes like this once before when Lee Anne died.  Not a lot, but some nice pieces for work and some hang around clothes.  When Betty died, her widower just couldn't bare the thought of trashing her clothes and he wanted to see someone truly use them.  Our butts and boobs are/were the same size and he asked me to go through them and take what I wanted/needed.

It has been weirdly comforting to wear her clothes.  I miss Betty like crazy, we all do.  I'm going to start cleaning her house tomorrow and I'm pretty sure I won't need any water, there will be plenty of tears.

Thursday, March 17, 2011


Math, I hates eeet!

Necessary evil that it is, math proves that if my cycles continue at their current rate of 24 days I'll have 15 periods this year.

I'm totally having a Quinceañera for my uterus this December.

(I thought this was a trick coffee cup but it's actually a vase.)

Thursday, March 10, 2011

I cannot believe he just texted me that!!

Something wrong with you?
Well, let's see...

Our early-day textual conversation was complete with me giving you my evening schedule.  You knew exactly where I was going to be and what I had to accomplish.  I even updated you on the scheduled rain you were terrified for me to drive in (scheduled to begin 30 minutes AFTER I would eventually arrive home).

I left the office at 5:00 yesterday and drove 13 miles to pick up your son.  After going through 10 minutes of crazy (four kids, two dogs, everyone trying to talk at once) I finally get him in the car and we head back to town another 13 miles to meet the widower so I can iron some work clothes for him.

We enjoy a short visit full of hugs and I love yous then we leave the widower and head towards the gas station because the fuel light has come on and I now have a back seat full of "WE NEED GAS!! WE'RE GOING TO RUN OUT OF GAS!!"  I can assure you this is not a pleasant experience.

We get to the gas station and I start pumping and I can barely hear the "mom, mom, Mom, Mom, MOM" chatter coming through the cracked window.  Mr. Man just has to ask, RIGHT NOW, if he can get out of the car.  Clearly the boy is out of his mind because this is a drive thru gas place and secondly, he NEVER EVER has gotten out of the car while I pumped gas.  That's a big hell to the no, you can't get out of the car.

Then we drive to the magic window to trade money for food.  I made our specific order for each of us, pay the lady at window one, grab food from window two and drive away.  We almost drive away, the boy has to fight his cup holder open before I can pass his drink off.  I'm mid-turn out of the driveway and he's yelling for his food bag.  (SERENITY NOW!!) We arrive at the lodge and after I get the door unlocked, I have to figure out which breakers to flip for the lights - in the DARK.  Junior won't even come inside the building and is having another freak out.  Awesome.  The battery is dead in my trunk flashlight.  I improvise and use my phone to poorly light the panel and finally find the lights using the Just Flip Them All Dammit technique.

We sit down to eat and BOTH sandwiches are wrong.  Lovely.  It's now 6:20 and the meeting starts at 7:00.  We  enjoy each other's company for a whole fifteen minutes over "dinner" and start setting up the chairs and all of my paperwork.  People start arriving.  I haven't peed since about 4:00.

The meeting lasts for just over an hour.  I'm busy as a one-armed paper hanger and if I'm not busy with an adult shoving money and papers at me about every 2 minutes, answering questions, taking care of business then I'm being badgered by the mommy train.  "Can I have something to draw on?"  "Will you play tic tac toe with me?" "What does this hand signal mean? (there's a wall of group riding signals on display, he knows how to sign for a fuel stop and I doubt he'll use the sign the next time the fuel light comes one, he'll just yell like he usually does)"  I also have to take meeting minutes, have I mentioned that I also forgot my coat and it was getting cool rather quickly?

I finally finish up inside and get the boy in the car, make two trips to get my stuff in the car and go back inside to answer a few more questions.  On my final approach to the car I remembered I forgot to call the husband.  As much as I hate to, I whip out the phone and call him as we're driving away.  The time is 8:24.

I begin my call with, "Honey, I am so sorry I forgot to call you earlier.  It's been a real busy evening and I'm really sorry, I've been..."  He interrupts me to say, "Well, you could have AT LEAST texted me."

*blink*  *blink*

Seriously?  You interrupt my apology to you with an admonishment?  Completely taken aback I pass the phone to the boy so he can talk to his dad.  Of course the boy can not resist touching buttons on the phone and they are disconnected a few miles down the road.  He doesn't call back and I'm too busy driving to worry about it.

Finally, after driving 45 miles in 2.75 hours we arrive home.  I get to pee, HOORAY!!  And he calls again, I immediately give the phone to the boy who is trying to put on pajamas and brush his teeth.  I've listened to him say how tired he is for the last 30 minutes and most of their conversation is about how tired the boy is.  They finish talking and give the phone back to me.  "You good?  Ok.  Love you, bye."  and I hung up.  Those four words arrive to my inbox and I've reached capacity.  I put the phone on the charger and drank a glass of wine while I watched COPS.  (Thank you G4 for almost always having an episode of COPS around when I need one.)

Yes, something IS wrong with me.  I've had enough of today and your stupid shenanigans are not going to make my day any harder than it already was.  DUMBASS!!

And guess who needs a ride home tonight?  I'll give you a hint, it's not me!

Also, your Honey Do List just turned into a "I can't believe that bitch thinks I'm going to do all of this!"

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Filled to the rim

Unfortunately, I'm not full of Brim coffee.  I am full of sad and I'm praying the phone doesn't ring because I have that golf ball of emotions lodged in my throat and it feels like if I eek out one syllable to speak I'm going to totally lose it.  The last eight months have been brutal.  I can't Hank Hill my emotions any longer.

Elder Spawn and the Borrowed One left home in June, and not in a fantastic fanfare of awesomeness like they should have.  It was ugly and to the extreme of GTFO or I may put you in the ground kind of way.  I didn't talk to my own child for weeks, like about eight of them.

Hubs started working out of town.  It's very hard to adjust back into the single parent world.  I have a lot of flashbacks and relive the shitty way I parented Elder Spawn during those times.  While I try not to repeat those mistakes (mostly a shit-ton of yelling and not remembering that they don't fully grasp the concept of responsibility in a way they don't have to be reminded 8,000 times/tongue-lashed into obedience) I constantly struggle to stay afloat that sea of emotion.  I spend most of my Saturdays hiding in my bedroom because I just need a break.

There was an incident at day care and I had to pull Junior out of there.  My lovely sister-in-law keeps him after school for me now.  She is so good to me and my family, I feel like an ass for not including her more often.  My brother has been away at school for over a year and I've never even had her and the kids over for dinner ONCE in that time.  Why is it so hard to juggle taking care of your home and family and remember to include the rest of your family.  Who all live within 20 miles of your home?  I'm looking forward to brother graduating at the end of this month, he'll be able to babysit while we go do something fun.  Or check in to a hotel and take a damn nap in peace.

I had a minor blow out with Home Girl.  I'd been feeling extremely lonely, very out of the loop and just lost it when I saw she'd gone out, again, and again, I was not invited.  I probably would have said no anyway, I'm not real excited to purchase over-priced drinks to enjoy an establishment and very paranoid about driving after enjoying a libation or two (even after being completely sober, cops - avoid them).  It bothered me greatly because I'd been missing her very much, I needed a friend and she was too busy.  I didn't bother trying to contact her for a date because I knew she was busy working herself into oblivion, usually seven days a week.  And while I'm pouting about the state of our relationship, my guilt over sister-in-law grows and grows.  Girlfriend karma was biting me on the ass big time.  We had a nice talk about it and things are good between us.  We are both still very busy so dates with Home Girl are limited to the occasional lunch and grocery store/shopping runs.  Real exciting grown up stuff.

My very good friend, who raised Junior for me while I went back to work, committed suicide almost a month ago.  We have/had similar personalities and I just can not understand why she took her depression to that extreme.  I understand it is hard to ask for help, I don't understand why she didn't.  Or couldn't.  She was a red-head and stubborn so a part of me feels she may have even thought I will NOT ask for help and show my soft squishy belly of what she would have considered weakness.  Naturally every time I feel like I've calmed myself with my feelings over her death, Junior will ask another question about her.  I put on my mommy hat and try to give him the answers he's seeking without scarring him for life.  Let me tell you, five year olds do not understand cremation and are fascinated with how she managed to fit into that little pot.  While I love and miss her, I am so angry that she would put her family, friends and grandchildren through all of this pain.  Reconcile that one.

A week after her death, a 14 year old boy who lived in her community had a hunting accident.  He was climbing down from the tree stand, talking with his mother on the phone when he dropped the gun.  The gun fired, striking this child down.  While his mother listened to it happen over the phone.  I don't know these people but I am so, so sad for this situation.  It makes me hate cell phones even harder.  When are people going to realize we don't have a third arm to take care of the many things we feel we must be doing all at once?  I can't stop feeling that this could have been prevented.  The news informed us a grieving team would be placed at the school so the kids and teachers could get the support and understanding they needed.  I wonder if any of their advice was to slow down, do one thing at a time.

Yesterday afternoon, a bus from that same school was hit head-on by a car containing a family of four.  The two children attended the same school.  The family perished in the wreck, 31, 30, 9 and 6 gone in an instant.  The car crossed the center line and speed was determined to be a factor in the wreck.  I process that as a preventable death.  Why was he speeding, what could have been so important to rush and why didn't they just leave 5 or 10 minutes earlier to avoid being so rushed?  How come the parents weren't wearing their seat belts but their children were?  The grieving team has been deployed to this school, again, fifteen days later.

I'm tired of hearing the word accident.  I wouldn't call it an on-purpose but a lot of them certainly seem preventable.

Hug your kids hard even if they try to push you away.  Kiss your spouse like you did when you were dating.  Jerk a knot in your girlfriend's tail if she needs it and jerk two knots if she doesn't.  Leave 10 minutes early to enjoy the ride and arrive safely at your destination.  Put the mother fucking phone down and concentrate on what's important.

I feel better.  I cried a lot, I think I can answer the phone now, even the mobile one.  Thanks for listening.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Email to a friend

TO:  Ycart
RE:  Office Decor

If Parks and Rec aired when we were at (that hellish soul sucking job where we shared an office and other things non office-y) I'm fairly certain we would have poo-pooed the Where's Bruce game and built a righteous Ron Effing Swanson altar.  We would dance around it wearing thick black mustaches while feeding Effigy Ron high grade beef jerky.  Please enjoy this cubicle art and sigh with me over what could have been.


Sunday, January 23, 2011

How to train your dragon

I am an Evil Genius.

In the beginning, he absolutely refused to go to the store for me.  I don't want you to get mad at me for not getting the right kind, size, etc.

So I would make him go to the store with me.  At first his job was to push the cart and keep Pooty from escaping.  Then I started pointing so he had to touch the items and get familiar with my habits, also he started getting a little bitchy about how things went into his cart.  I began sending him back tracking to an item I "forgot" an isle or two ago.  I had him willing to hit four stores in one trip, dragging us from one end of the town to the other, so he would know how hard I worked the front end of grocery shopping.

He started working out of town last fall and lots of things had to be readjusted.  One of the good changes was  Sunday mornings at Walmart became a men only event.  Daddy time.  Hunt and gather.  Conquer!  I still do the other store shopping trips but it's a fair price to pay to avoid the big W.  I maximize my advantage by shopping on my lunch hours at work so there is no need for me to be dressed in anything but pajamas on the weekends.

I lovingly put the list in store order, write very descriptive (sour cream, 16 ounces, store brand, avoid reduced/non-fat), note items that have coupons (also in list order) and we have a pre-raid meeting.  Of course I still get at least four to seven phone calls while they're shopping but at least it allows me to gauge how much more Me Time I can get in before the men return.  He just called with a produce question so now I must go and make room for their bounty!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Six months already?

I have an appointment to get my teeth cleaned today.

I just realized, with great horror, I'm probably wearing the same outfit that I wore to my last appointment.
The black hand me down pants that are probably four years old, my comfy black cardigan I scored at the discount store.  On the upside, I am wearing shoes and a shirt I did not have at my last visit.  I got these two items the last time Mom cleaned out her closet.  The shirt is a bit of a lower-cut V so here's hoping a boob doesn't pop out.  The shoes are slides and I will Just. Die. if the right one falls off, I have a HUGE hole in my sock and two, not one, but TWO toes stick out.

Anxiety:  I has it.  (Eeh, and how weird of a word is anxiety?  Where's the freakin' G?  Oh right, this isn't kindergarten homework and I don't have to worry about writing the way the word sounds.)

Know what's even scarier than wearing the same clothes?  The thought of what I must look like all splayed out in that chair when Dr. Dentist comes in.  It can't be a flattering view, I can't pull my shoulders back to poke out my boobs and hide my gut.  My butt may flatten out a bit but it still makes a pretty good lump in the chair and probably makes me look pregnant.  Just a big ball of black blob with a mess-o-curly hair.

It's an x-ray visit this time.  Hopefully my lovely hygienist will forget to put the 20 pound apron away and I'll get to snuggle all comfy...and hide my shame!  She's really nice and professional though and I doubt she would forget.  Is it OK to take a blanket in with me?

Sunday, January 2, 2011

It's just an old wive's tale...

I heard, not once but TWICE over this New Years holiday, that what you spend your time doing New Years Day is what you'll be doing for the rest of the year.  It's possible I've been told this before, but after raising children and birds you learn to tune a lot of stuff out and just listen for keywords like fire, x-rays, accidentally, etc.  This feels like the first time I really listened and heard it.

Homegirl told me that's why she was going to finish getting her house work done New Years Eve so she wouldn't be cleaning New Years Day, therefore selling herself into indentured servant status and cleaning for 365 days straight.  That's what her mama always told her and then I saw someone else mention it on Facebook.

Hmmm...I thought about it when I woke up at a very late 10:00 a.m. and made coffee New Years Day.  I can't remember the last time we slept that late on a Saturday morning.  Usually by 7:30 Junior is standing over the husband's side of the bed saying "Can I please have a bowl of cereal?  Dad, are you wearing your pajamas?"  (Yes, about two months ago Junior joined, and has been assigned as Detective for the Pajama Police.  Those are some funny conversations to hear about and or eavesdrop in on.)  Junior spent the night with my brother's family.  The cousins had a great time playing together.

I couldn't just sit there and do nothing on New Years Day, even after I worked pretty hard NYE day and played hard NYE night (fireworks, tons of sparkler smoke, jerk neighbor and cops, hors d'oeuvres, dessert, dominoes - girls lost, Dick Clark, more fireworks) I could have sat around and done nothing.  I did want to get some work done so I mopped the kitchen and bathroom floors, washed everyone's bedding, cleaned the master bathroom, watched Aliens vs Predator:  Requiem, goaded the husband into running the vacuum cleaner*, worked the organizational side of the Blackberry, and messed around with my Cozi calendar.
*Brother Dear called Saturday evening to let me know that one by one, their household was erupting with pukers and wanted to know if Junior was ok.  At that time, he was just fine.

I feel like I worked pretty hard, but-cha know what??  If I can spend 2011 actually getting my money's worth out of my Netflix account, learn to effectively use my Blackberry for more than just Facebook, keep my calendar planned out and organized, and not just keep the house clean but have help doing it, I'm okay with that.  I welcome it!

And I'm so thankful that Junior waited until January 2nd to get sick and puke-y.  I certainly do NOT want to spend my 2011 chasing him around and catching his vomit in the trash can.  (It certainly beats having to drag out the carpet cleaner though.  It was a pretty sweet mom maneuver if I do say so myself.  I totally say so.)

I know when he recounts the horror of his evening and is telling me about his story tomorrow, hand motions and all, I KNOW he's going to say when he puked it came out of him "like a ball-cane-o" and then I will laugh really hard because 1) How funny is "ball-cane-o"!? 2) his puke was mostly red, the color of hot lava and 3) volcanoes hit me where I live and I have the same thought Every. Single. Time. I hear the word volcano.

My first memory of being sick and staying home from school is of my mom serving me some red fruity jello as a Sorry You Feel Bad Snack.  Seems logical, jello is easy on the tummy and fruit is supposed to be good for you, right?  After eating the snack, I curled up on the three cushioned gold couch and watched a TV show about volcanoes.  When the volcanoes started erupting and the red-hot lava spewed up and out, raining its ooze down the mountains, my fruity jello began to erupt up and out of me, down my blue night gown and as I ran for the bathroom, I left a chunky red trail across the living room floor, down the hallway and to the bathroom.

And that is why I hate red fruity jello.

And maybe volcanoes too.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Gettin' paid

What I did on my paid day off:

  • Washed 3 loads of mandatory pre-weekend laundry:  towels, jeans, colors.
  • Cleaned my bedroom proving the bed is surrounded on three sides by actual floor space.
  • Discovered closet floor, threw out 4 pair of shoes - an act proving I deserved that manicure this week.
  • Made sweet, sweet love to my Kitchen Aid Stand Mixer:  2 loaves of delicious banana nut bread, 1 strawberry pie.  Gave 1 loaf of bread to Homegirl who stopped by for a visit, devoured other loaf and pie at New Year's Eve celebration.
  • Enslaved the new crockpot to heat lil' smokies and bbq sauce to a bubbly goodness.
  • Celebrated my Wolfgang Puck pots and pans first birthday by whipping up a batch of black eyed peas.
  • Cleaned massive war field of a kitchen.
  • Paid bills, balanced checkbook.
These are the days I love my job the most.