Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Filled to the rim

Unfortunately, I'm not full of Brim coffee.  I am full of sad and I'm praying the phone doesn't ring because I have that golf ball of emotions lodged in my throat and it feels like if I eek out one syllable to speak I'm going to totally lose it.  The last eight months have been brutal.  I can't Hank Hill my emotions any longer.

Elder Spawn and the Borrowed One left home in June, and not in a fantastic fanfare of awesomeness like they should have.  It was ugly and to the extreme of GTFO or I may put you in the ground kind of way.  I didn't talk to my own child for weeks, like about eight of them.

Hubs started working out of town.  It's very hard to adjust back into the single parent world.  I have a lot of flashbacks and relive the shitty way I parented Elder Spawn during those times.  While I try not to repeat those mistakes (mostly a shit-ton of yelling and not remembering that they don't fully grasp the concept of responsibility in a way they don't have to be reminded 8,000 times/tongue-lashed into obedience) I constantly struggle to stay afloat that sea of emotion.  I spend most of my Saturdays hiding in my bedroom because I just need a break.

There was an incident at day care and I had to pull Junior out of there.  My lovely sister-in-law keeps him after school for me now.  She is so good to me and my family, I feel like an ass for not including her more often.  My brother has been away at school for over a year and I've never even had her and the kids over for dinner ONCE in that time.  Why is it so hard to juggle taking care of your home and family and remember to include the rest of your family.  Who all live within 20 miles of your home?  I'm looking forward to brother graduating at the end of this month, he'll be able to babysit while we go do something fun.  Or check in to a hotel and take a damn nap in peace.

I had a minor blow out with Home Girl.  I'd been feeling extremely lonely, very out of the loop and just lost it when I saw she'd gone out, again, and again, I was not invited.  I probably would have said no anyway, I'm not real excited to purchase over-priced drinks to enjoy an establishment and very paranoid about driving after enjoying a libation or two (even after being completely sober, cops - avoid them).  It bothered me greatly because I'd been missing her very much, I needed a friend and she was too busy.  I didn't bother trying to contact her for a date because I knew she was busy working herself into oblivion, usually seven days a week.  And while I'm pouting about the state of our relationship, my guilt over sister-in-law grows and grows.  Girlfriend karma was biting me on the ass big time.  We had a nice talk about it and things are good between us.  We are both still very busy so dates with Home Girl are limited to the occasional lunch and grocery store/shopping runs.  Real exciting grown up stuff.

My very good friend, who raised Junior for me while I went back to work, committed suicide almost a month ago.  We have/had similar personalities and I just can not understand why she took her depression to that extreme.  I understand it is hard to ask for help, I don't understand why she didn't.  Or couldn't.  She was a red-head and stubborn so a part of me feels she may have even thought I will NOT ask for help and show my soft squishy belly of what she would have considered weakness.  Naturally every time I feel like I've calmed myself with my feelings over her death, Junior will ask another question about her.  I put on my mommy hat and try to give him the answers he's seeking without scarring him for life.  Let me tell you, five year olds do not understand cremation and are fascinated with how she managed to fit into that little pot.  While I love and miss her, I am so angry that she would put her family, friends and grandchildren through all of this pain.  Reconcile that one.

A week after her death, a 14 year old boy who lived in her community had a hunting accident.  He was climbing down from the tree stand, talking with his mother on the phone when he dropped the gun.  The gun fired, striking this child down.  While his mother listened to it happen over the phone.  I don't know these people but I am so, so sad for this situation.  It makes me hate cell phones even harder.  When are people going to realize we don't have a third arm to take care of the many things we feel we must be doing all at once?  I can't stop feeling that this could have been prevented.  The news informed us a grieving team would be placed at the school so the kids and teachers could get the support and understanding they needed.  I wonder if any of their advice was to slow down, do one thing at a time.

Yesterday afternoon, a bus from that same school was hit head-on by a car containing a family of four.  The two children attended the same school.  The family perished in the wreck, 31, 30, 9 and 6 gone in an instant.  The car crossed the center line and speed was determined to be a factor in the wreck.  I process that as a preventable death.  Why was he speeding, what could have been so important to rush and why didn't they just leave 5 or 10 minutes earlier to avoid being so rushed?  How come the parents weren't wearing their seat belts but their children were?  The grieving team has been deployed to this school, again, fifteen days later.

I'm tired of hearing the word accident.  I wouldn't call it an on-purpose but a lot of them certainly seem preventable.

Hug your kids hard even if they try to push you away.  Kiss your spouse like you did when you were dating.  Jerk a knot in your girlfriend's tail if she needs it and jerk two knots if she doesn't.  Leave 10 minutes early to enjoy the ride and arrive safely at your destination.  Put the mother fucking phone down and concentrate on what's important.

I feel better.  I cried a lot, I think I can answer the phone now, even the mobile one.  Thanks for listening.

2 comments:

Lady Ridesalot said...

Crap girl... you need a big hug!
(((HUG)))

Keep your chin up... it will get better.

Nicole said...

I wish I knew the magic words to make it all better. So this will have to do. A la peanut butter sandwiches.