Have I mentioned lately that boys are dumb?

Teenage boys have NO CLUE.  I should be thankful they can wash their own ass and do their own laundry but clearly, I still have much to teach them.

Buy valentines, you must.

So Saturday is Valentines Day.  This doesn't mean a whole lot to me anymore as I consider the husband working a solid 40 per week and a paid mortgage a true expression of love.  To young teenage girls in lurve, Valentines Day has the potential to be a B.F.D.  Both of my boys currently date teenage girls.

Each evening this week, I would walk to their room and try to have a conversation.

Monday:

Me:  Boys, have you thought about Valentine's Day at all?  It's on Saturday.

Boys:  Why?

Tuesday:

Me:  Boys, have you thought about Valentine's Day at all?  It's on Saturday.

Boys:  Are we supposed to?

Wednesday:

Me:  Boys, have you thought about Valentine's Day at all?  It's on Saturday.

Boys:  I don't know!

Me:  Yes, clearly you don't know.

Thursday:

Borrowed One calls me at 3:45 wanting to go play basketball.  I told him that was fine but when you got home, we were going shopping for Valentine's Day.  He's down with it and Elder Spawn agrees as well.

So at 9:00 pm (PM!!) I load up two testosterone laden knuckle-dragging teenagers to Walmart.  And of course, the second we walk in the door, we see 40 people we know.  We make brief chit chat and I have to pull them away so we can get down to some bidness.

The boys start out in the special Valentine's area.  Nothing here but a bunch of cheap-ass stuffed animals and candy.  They seemed to be thrilled by this but Mama does not approve and I direct them to the jewelery department.

Usually the jewelery department is staffed by some not so friendly ladies.  Tonight, we are blessed to be hosted by the frutiest guy I've ever seen in Walmart.  He is wonderful:  kind, helpful and patient.  

ES can't remember if he's even SEEN his girlfriend's ears so of course he doesn't know if her ears are pierced.  BO finds a set of heart-shaped CZ's and his bling alarm goes off.  I'm feeling pretty "meh" about these but we agree to purchase and Fruity works on putting them in a nice box suitable for gift giving.  ES can't form an opinion on anything and gives up, wanting to walk back to the candy area.  I'm pretty "meh" on this idea as well.

I keep assuring the boys that I'm not trying to commit you to anything, over extend your relationship, etc.  But you are SO NOT going to do this half-assed.  Mama's not having it.

As we're walking dejectedly back to candy land I try once again to appeal to ES, "Are you sure you didn't see anything in the jewelry department?"  Poor ES is so confused and probably wishing lightening would strike his mother down so she would shut the hell up.  We walked back to jewelery to give it one more shot.

Fruity asks us exactly how much we're willing to spend and I submit to the $30 range.  Remember, it's not about being cheap.  I'm not trying to fluff up their relationship any more than it already is.  I don't want anything that screams I'M COMMITTED TO YOU FOREVER AND EVER.  I'm just trying to present you as a nice, thoughtful young man.

The only thing Fruity can offer us at that price is a 20" sterling silver necklace with a 1/10th of a carat in diamond chip/dust heart pendant.  Fruity puts extra emphasis on REAL DIAMONDS.  And in my head, after he says REAL DIAMONDS, I'm screaming, "AT WALMART!"  ES's eyes light up and we've found our gift!  We tell Fruity we're headed back to candy for some reinforcements and he says just come back when you're ready and I'll have your gifts ready to go.

So we've suffered a good 30 minutes in jewelry and it should take just a few minutes to complete our gift bonanza extravaganza, no?  Yeah.  NO.

I found a cute red bucket shaped tin with hearts for handles.  It would be nice to fill with small candies and the jewelery box.  Since I've been a teenage girl before, I could just imagine these girls would have that tin until they graduated from college.  Some small trinkets that a boy gave you are really hard to part with and usually can be converted to a useful purpose (even if said boy turns out to be a total dick).  Standing in that isle, I could see that tin being a pencil cup on a desk for a loooooooong time.  Because I think like a woman.  

You would have thought I was showing them an alien artifact from Remulac.  I tried to explain the concept of inserting goodies and the present and we had a small meltdown.  Right there.  In Walmart.  BO:  "I'm so confused!"  ES:  "What?  Me too!"  I can't think of any basketball or skateboarding terms to communicate to them any better so being mindful of the time we've already spent in here, I gave up.  I pointed to the Russell Stover heart-shaped $1 sampler box and said, "Just get one of those!"

The boys saw a bigger heart with chocolates that was also $1 and started to grab that one instead.  I lovingly (ok, maybe not lovingly but in a Dammit I'm so ready to get the hell out of here! way) point out that while that box may be bigger, the candy inside is shit compared to Russell Stover.  The point was well received by the young gents and they each went with the RS sampler.

On our way back to jewelery I asked BO if he wanted to trade up his CZ earrings to a diamond necklace as well and he eagerly agreed.  I felt bad because Fruity had our stuff cleaned up and ready in the really nice gift boxes and we changed our order.  I think Fruity approved of the upgrade though because he took just as much time, care and glee for our sake as we did in finally coming to a frakkn decision.

As we were getting into the car I told them I had some Valentine's gift wrap they could use, and in unison they whined:

We have to wrap it too??!!??

Dammit boys.  So. Much. To. Learn.

It's now 10:00 pm (PM!!) and on the drive home they both thanked me over and over again.  There was much discussion about being "lost" and "having no idea."  Then there was much talk about how the same trip would have gone down if the Husband would have taken them.  BO said they'd probably still be in electronics trying to pick something out.  And I'm thinking to myself, "Yep, you three would be there playing GAMES in electronics."

And if you'll excuse me, I'm off to track down my 10th grade boyfriend's mother.  After this experience, it's so clear to me now that even though HE presented me with the earrings for Valentine's Day, HIS MOTHER is the one who bought them.  I owe her a thank you card.

Boys are so dumb.