WORD to your mother.

I'm no Bill Gates fan but he WAS smart enough to make Word yell at us for incorrect spelling and bad grammar.  However, Mr. Gates was not smart enough to make that Paperclip (as annoying as he is) a little more bossy about format.

You know - for those moments when someone:

1. use spaces instead of tabs
2. use tabs then add a space so the number will scootch over
3. use ENTER repeatedly instead of using page break

Paperclip just watches all of this, and lets it happen.

I just inherited a copy of the company's MODEL X which I need to submit to a customer, proving we have a MODEL X.

The MODEL X was prepared in Word and eventually turned into a pocket size MODEL X.

The initial layer outer of MODEL X did not choose to use the formatting guides in Word, they used a weird-assed margin setting, a bunch of spaces, gobs of unnecessary returns and flip flopped between TWO FONTS throughout the document (and I'm not just being anal about the fonts, it's truly UGLY and reeks unprofessional).

Dear Paperclip,

Where were you when this was all happening?  You SAW what was going on.  Your googly cartoon eyes ignored the grossness of a poorly laid out document.  

And yet, here you sit and mockingly blink your dastardly stare at me while I painstakingly go line by line thru this hideous document.

YOU SUCK!!  And I hope you die a slow, rusty, bent death.

Little brother's done gone on

Jonseing

Basketball Jones - Barry White and Chris Rock

Sure, sure - I know.  The original is here.  (And wow - Cheech & Chong would prolly get strung up for that cartoon in this day and age.)  But who can resist Barry White?  You want some chicken?  LOL

The Borrowed One has been playing in the church league.  And I drag him to all of his games.  So right now...I got a basketball jones. 

And last night - I actually watched an ACC tournament game.  On purpose.  (Not entirely true - Earl was a rerun.)  I may, emphasis on MAY, even play brackets this year.  With money.  Which is making me feel kind of dirty.

But let's talk about playing ball for Jesus a bit.

The league consists of local churches, all men.  I'd say it's about a 50/50 split between white churches and black churches.  So pretty much on any game night, you're going to see something pretty dang entertaining.  I tend to be entertained by everything there but the actual game.

Before each game starts both teams and the refs meet at half court and say a prayer.  Most of the crowd goes silent but sometimes there's a lot of talking going on and you don't get to hear anything until AMEN is said.  Let me tell you, I LOVE it when the black church teams get to pray.  The game BO played last week was against a black church and there was lots of Faaather Goyed! and Lore-ed in that sing-song deep voice.  (Must be the Barry talkin'.)  This prayer was focused on good sportsmanship to "ourselves, our teams and each other."

And then the game started.

And that prayer was pretty quickly forgotten.  Commence trash talking, pouting, distracting moves - I can't stand the WOO HOOs someone will make from the defense when trying to get the offense to pass them the ball (but it does sometimes work).  Sometimes I want to stand up and scream YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE PLAYING BALL FOR JESUS!!

Which is why I told the husband for the last two seasons that he will NEVER play ball for Jesus.  He can't keep his mouth shut from the trash talk, cusses too much and doesn't go to church.  No Jesus ball for YOU!

But mostly, it's all done with fun and nobody gets truly hurt.  Feelings are a different story.  At least this year with the new church BO is getting a lot of play time instead of riding the bench so Mr. Spectacular Ball Hog can play the entire game with no breaks.   Let me tell you, driving you and your entire family 15 miles into the country to play ball for Jesus and BO just rides the bench...yep, that'd piss anybody off. 

Sometimes I do more people watching than pay attention to the game.  

There's an Episcopalian team, white church - there's got to be something in the communion wafers over there because EVERY guy on their team is TALL.  Not just tall but almost abnormally tall.  The guy who works at Quizno's plays on this team.  I fight the urge to yell GO QUIZNO'S! when he makes a good play.

Another white church team, Methodists - they all look like a bunch of farmers.  Mega farmer tans beam from under their tank jerseys.  There's one guy in particular that just cracks me up - his hair is a little on the longer/bigger side (but still short) and he's got a bit of the crazy eyes.  When he's in his game, HE'S IN HIS GAME.  His eyes are always blazing but when he's played for a while his hair sweats up and gets crazy and he gets all read in the face.  Very Ernest T. Bass like.  And I am in the stands laughing like a hyena on the inside.

There's another white church team, also Methodists and a dude that looks like Jay (Silent Bob's friend) right down to the long blond hair.  Having an almost fivehead, he also arches his eyebrows so it looks like he's in a constant state of surprise, but his eyes are barely open like he's stoned.  This is something I just can not look away from.  He is Mr. White Basketball as far as he's concerned.  He comes to the court in civilian clothes, carries an enormous duffel bag into the locker room and re-emerges as Mr. W. Basketball in his uniform - complete with matching shorts (church only provides jersey) and a few support items, usually one long sock looking thing  on his arm and some tape on the fingers.  He is a pretty good ball player though.  And not really horrible to look at.  Last week he treated us to undressing at the bench instead of the locker room.  *waggles eyebrows*

There's another guy on a white church Methodist team that used to look like Lars Ulrich.  When we first played him last year it was driving me nuts because I thought I knew that guy.  I searched and searched and SEARCHED my mind trying to figure out where I knew him from.  Elder Spawn went to a game and saw him and said, "That dude looks like Lars."  And I slapped my forehead like I could of had a V8.  Sadly, now I have to say USED to look like Lars because homeboy got him some Just For Men and his hair is darker and he's way less Lars-y now.  This team also looks like a bunch of farmers.

The refs are awesome.  One of them is my former Vice-Principal from high school.  He's very Richard Roundtree looking and acting.  Daaaaamn right.  He was straight up in school and he's the same on the court.   A few games ago a parent was pissed over a call he made and the parent yelled out something smart-assy.  When he said it, it really did sound like it came from the court and Mr. Moe whipped around looking for who it came from and I almost peed my pants.  I'd seen that look before, sitting in his office, receiving a lecture.  Shut yo mouth!  The parent noticed Mr. Moe was pissed and said it was him and the rest of us in the stands were all nodding our heads like good little school children.  The man's still got it.

As much as I like basketball and enjoy rooting for the team, I know that this too shall pass.  We start tournament play Monday.  Based on the team's performance this season, we're not going to go very far unless we get really lucky.  

And I'm kind of glad.  My hands hurt from sitting on them all the time and my tongue hurts from almost biting it off.  It's not just the Husband....I couldn't (or rather should not) play ball for Jesus either.

Pendulum

Today's One Minute Writer:

In what area do you tend to swing from one extreme to the other, and back again?

I could go on FOREVER about this one.  And it would not be nice.  Especially after this morning's happenings.  Mom always said:

If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.

(You have to make your own EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE noise)

Hair a curl, there a curl

EVERYWHERE a curl curl!

I finally (cheap/free shipping took almost a week!) got my Curly Girl book and $18 micro-fiber towel.  And I read, read, READ that book like it was a cheap romance novel.  Again and again and again.

The Curly Girl method is pretty simple.  

1. Don't wash your hair.
2. Don't EVER brush your hair.
3. If you must comb your hair, use a W     I     D     E-toothed comb.
4. Don't blow dry your hair, it DRIES your hair as it...well, dries.  If you must dry, use a diffuser.
5. DON'T TOUCH YOUR HAIR for at least one hour after you style it.
6. Your hair is a fiber - just like that $200 sweater you obsess over with its care and maintenance - treat your hair like you would that sweater.

Don't wash your hair with shampoo as it is mostly composed from sulfates which is very drying to the hair.  Curly hair is DRY and needs moisture.  You "wash" your hair with conditioner:  apply at the ends first, then rub around your scalp with more conditioner to get the crusties off your scalp.  This is not as gross as it sounds.  Before CG, I usually only washed (put soap on) my hair once, maybe twice a week.  And I do wet/condition it every day so it's not a huge deal.  For me.

Don't brush your hair because brushing causes your hairs to separate and balloon into a BIG HEAD FRIZZ FEST.  I actually haven't brushed my hair in years so I knew this one.

I usually use a wide-toothed comb in the shower to distribute my conditioner.  Then I'd use it again to distribute my silicone or dimethicone glosser/de-frizzer gels/serums.  So basically, I was separating a lot of my curls making my hair big and globbing all those -icone products into it.  Fun fact from the book:  don't use -icone products on your hair because it builds up over time and dulls your hair.  Thank you book, I'd been using that crap in my hair for at least 10 years.  Now I know why I would get mad at those products for LYING TO ME and STEALING ALL MY DAMNED MONEY.  -icone bitches!!  You are a LIAR John Frieda!!

I usually did not dry my hair because it takes too dang long.  I did dry/diffuse it when I was trying out that plopping method from my last post.  My hair looked ok but still frizzy.  And still a bit on the large side.  Anything was an improvement from it's BEFORE CG state.  (too bad I did not think to take photos)

The Don't Touch Your Hair rule is kicking my ass.  I find myself chanting "donttouchyourhair, donttouchyourhair" on a regular basis.  I still touch it to move a curl or separate a mega-curl (three or 4 of those suckers will twist together) but you still have to watch it.  When you separate the curls, the hair grows.  It grows bigger on the sides - not the top so you end up with a lovely Roseanne Roseannadanna hair do.  NOT attractive.

The sweater analogy is spot on and I appreciate that lesson.  For all of the time I spent bitching about my hair, in retrospect, I was just not very nice to my hair to begin with.  I did do conditioning treatments from time to time but not a whole lot else that was GOOD for my hair.  I spent more time (and money and energy) letting false claims on the front of a package sway me instead of knowing what to look for in the ingredients.  NOW I KNOW.

I had the rare chance to get the hell out of boyland - ALONE - so I took it and RAN to the H&B section in Walmart.  I read every freakin' label of moisturizing conditioners on the isle and most of them contained things CG's should not use.  That's when I went full-on press to the ethnic hair care products.  Trust me, that's where all the GOOD STUFF is hiding.  I settled on an olive oil deep conditioner treatment pack and a bottle of their regular conditioner.  

For my clear gel needs (colored gels build up over time and make hair look dull) I went with the Aussie brand because the other two clear gels with appropriate ingredients were in smaller containers with higher prices.  I like it, it doesn't "crunch."

I also purchased some lavender oil to make the lavender mist spray from the book.  I'm still not really sure what to do with this according to the CG method.  I do use it before bedtime to tame the bush into my sleepy-time pineapple hair do (a ponytail on the top of your head).  The lavender smells wonderful and comforting.  Very nice at the end of the day.

My new CG hair routine is pretty simple.  When I get out of the shower and dry my hair now, I blot it instead of wringing out the water.  I think that's helping to keep my hairs from separating.   I use an "accordion" motion, hanging my head to the side and push the towel into the length of my hair until it touches my head.  When that's mostly dry, I use the same motion to put on my gel.  My hair kind of falls into its "this is where I'm gonna lay dammit" areas and then I just carefully move curls around, smooth or re-curl with the finger twirl and PRESTO!  Hair is done! 

I do use some small hair clips to lift the curls around my crown so I don't have flat head.   The clips are cute so I don't worry about wearing them around while running morning errands and usually take them out when I get to the office.  

I have found that my hair does still have some frizz to it but I'm not going to freak out about it just yet.  I've only deep conditioned once (you would not believe how HOT I look with my hair all wrapped up with plastic wrap) and my hair's been pretty dry for a while.   The CG book says that the method is not a miracle and should take about three weeks to get your hair where you want it.  After 4 days - I'm pretty damned pleased so I'm stoked to see what three weeks will look like.

The most expensive thing I bought for this was that damned $18 towel.  The towel part works just fine, but the smaller size does not allow for plopping action (read:  I can't quite figure out how to wrap a rectangle on my head - squares are no problem).  After blotting with the towel for a few days I doubt I would go back to plopping.  (Not until my hair was very long anyways.)  

Visit this website for tons of info on curly hair:  http://www.naturallycurly.com/

Most importantly - embrace your curls, 'cause those things ain't goin' anywhere anytime soon.

When I grow up

I am approaching 40 and I still have NO FREAKIN' IDEA what to do with the crap pile of curls on my head.  That's right:  almost 40, no hair skills.  And I'm sick to death of it.

Searching for truth and knowledge, I went to the one source for everything:  Google.  I googled me some curl options.  I Wikihow-ed and got wowed!

I found this video:

And holy cow!  A movie has never meant so much to me!  This is the ticket.  I tried it Saturday and it's nice to look like my hair has a style and I'm not the biggest loser in a lame 'fro contest.  This could be some of the finest 2 minutes and 32 seconds I've witnessed on the internets.

At this article's suggestion, I caved/splurged and bought this book and am patiently waiting for it to arrive.  (I'm cheap and went for the whole FREE shipping you have to wait 5 to 7 days for.  An ETERNITY in this day and age.)  Reaching ever higher into the splurge category I also purchased a micro-fiber towel for my plopping needs.  (The tshirt is okay but doesn't dry fast enough for my morning routine.  NO, getting up earlier is NOT an option.)

So maybe, just maybe, by the time my 20th high school reunion rolls around this fall, I'll have made peace with my inner-curl.  

Or....I could wig out like this chick: