This is your brain....

....on Squidbillies.

I've been fretting over getting my haircut for the past three months.  As a Curly Girl...there is much anxiety to be had when it comes to getting a haircut.

Last night I dreamed I was hanging out in my Tulsa, OK elementary school (John Ross) and 1980's Rick Springfield showed up to cut my hair.

Mm, mm, mm!  Dr. Noah Drake!!

We made goo goo eyes at each other in the mirror as he worked.  He fluffed and snipped and batted his eyes until I felt a weird tug and his eyes got big as saucers.  Dr. Drake had surgically removed half of my ponytail.  The top half.  I'm not a rocket surgeon but who the heck cuts hair while it's in a pony tail?!

Rick Springfield then started making out with me.  I guess this is standard soap opera apology method number one?  Anyways, I went with it - come on, it's 80's Springfield, you know you would too!!! - and when it was over I remember walking down the hallway and sobbing uncontrollably.

Over a bad haircut.  Sobbing to the point where I couldn't breathe.  The school secretary was phoning for medical assistance when I woke up to George meowing loudly at me and Squidbillies playing on the TV.

Cat + Unknown Hinson = bad haircut

or

Cat + Unknown Hinson = good lovin'

??

Thank you

Thanks Suzy!  I'm hoping it's the best $7.95 I ever spent, and it will cover my entire backside.  The parts its supposed to anyway.

I have good news and bad news

THE GOOD

After sinking HUNDREDS of dollars into the Borrowed One's mouth over the last year, he had his last procedure done today. I don't care what the dentist is doing in his mouth, it always costs us at least $100 before insurance. I think he's been about 8 times in the last year. I was beginning to wonder if he was part shark with so many teeth to fix. I was dreading today's visit because that $100 was going to go on the credit card because we have no money. Thanks Economy!! When I went to pick him up and pay after today's appointment, I had a CREDIT BALANCE and owed NOTHING on today's visit. HOORAY!!!

THE BAD

I did not pee before I left to go get him. I ran him all the way to the other side of town trying not to pee my pants. I blazed up the steps to the office and went straight to the bathroom. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My hair is pulled back today - except for that one belligerent curl that refuses to lay back and STANDS UP - and I'm wearing my favorite pair of Dollar General $3 sunglasses. This combination makes me look like a Sleestack.

Proving that everything has a sunny side....the sleestack action on my face surely keeps the focus off of my round backside.

Hair a curl, there a curl

EVERYWHERE a curl curl!

I finally (cheap/free shipping took almost a week!) got my Curly Girl book and $18 micro-fiber towel.  And I read, read, READ that book like it was a cheap romance novel.  Again and again and again.

The Curly Girl method is pretty simple.  

1. Don't wash your hair.
2. Don't EVER brush your hair.
3. If you must comb your hair, use a W     I     D     E-toothed comb.
4. Don't blow dry your hair, it DRIES your hair as it...well, dries.  If you must dry, use a diffuser.
5. DON'T TOUCH YOUR HAIR for at least one hour after you style it.
6. Your hair is a fiber - just like that $200 sweater you obsess over with its care and maintenance - treat your hair like you would that sweater.

Don't wash your hair with shampoo as it is mostly composed from sulfates which is very drying to the hair.  Curly hair is DRY and needs moisture.  You "wash" your hair with conditioner:  apply at the ends first, then rub around your scalp with more conditioner to get the crusties off your scalp.  This is not as gross as it sounds.  Before CG, I usually only washed (put soap on) my hair once, maybe twice a week.  And I do wet/condition it every day so it's not a huge deal.  For me.

Don't brush your hair because brushing causes your hairs to separate and balloon into a BIG HEAD FRIZZ FEST.  I actually haven't brushed my hair in years so I knew this one.

I usually use a wide-toothed comb in the shower to distribute my conditioner.  Then I'd use it again to distribute my silicone or dimethicone glosser/de-frizzer gels/serums.  So basically, I was separating a lot of my curls making my hair big and globbing all those -icone products into it.  Fun fact from the book:  don't use -icone products on your hair because it builds up over time and dulls your hair.  Thank you book, I'd been using that crap in my hair for at least 10 years.  Now I know why I would get mad at those products for LYING TO ME and STEALING ALL MY DAMNED MONEY.  -icone bitches!!  You are a LIAR John Frieda!!

I usually did not dry my hair because it takes too dang long.  I did dry/diffuse it when I was trying out that plopping method from my last post.  My hair looked ok but still frizzy.  And still a bit on the large side.  Anything was an improvement from it's BEFORE CG state.  (too bad I did not think to take photos)

The Don't Touch Your Hair rule is kicking my ass.  I find myself chanting "donttouchyourhair, donttouchyourhair" on a regular basis.  I still touch it to move a curl or separate a mega-curl (three or 4 of those suckers will twist together) but you still have to watch it.  When you separate the curls, the hair grows.  It grows bigger on the sides - not the top so you end up with a lovely Roseanne Roseannadanna hair do.  NOT attractive.

The sweater analogy is spot on and I appreciate that lesson.  For all of the time I spent bitching about my hair, in retrospect, I was just not very nice to my hair to begin with.  I did do conditioning treatments from time to time but not a whole lot else that was GOOD for my hair.  I spent more time (and money and energy) letting false claims on the front of a package sway me instead of knowing what to look for in the ingredients.  NOW I KNOW.

I had the rare chance to get the hell out of boyland - ALONE - so I took it and RAN to the H&B section in Walmart.  I read every freakin' label of moisturizing conditioners on the isle and most of them contained things CG's should not use.  That's when I went full-on press to the ethnic hair care products.  Trust me, that's where all the GOOD STUFF is hiding.  I settled on an olive oil deep conditioner treatment pack and a bottle of their regular conditioner.  

For my clear gel needs (colored gels build up over time and make hair look dull) I went with the Aussie brand because the other two clear gels with appropriate ingredients were in smaller containers with higher prices.  I like it, it doesn't "crunch."

I also purchased some lavender oil to make the lavender mist spray from the book.  I'm still not really sure what to do with this according to the CG method.  I do use it before bedtime to tame the bush into my sleepy-time pineapple hair do (a ponytail on the top of your head).  The lavender smells wonderful and comforting.  Very nice at the end of the day.

My new CG hair routine is pretty simple.  When I get out of the shower and dry my hair now, I blot it instead of wringing out the water.  I think that's helping to keep my hairs from separating.   I use an "accordion" motion, hanging my head to the side and push the towel into the length of my hair until it touches my head.  When that's mostly dry, I use the same motion to put on my gel.  My hair kind of falls into its "this is where I'm gonna lay dammit" areas and then I just carefully move curls around, smooth or re-curl with the finger twirl and PRESTO!  Hair is done! 

I do use some small hair clips to lift the curls around my crown so I don't have flat head.   The clips are cute so I don't worry about wearing them around while running morning errands and usually take them out when I get to the office.  

I have found that my hair does still have some frizz to it but I'm not going to freak out about it just yet.  I've only deep conditioned once (you would not believe how HOT I look with my hair all wrapped up with plastic wrap) and my hair's been pretty dry for a while.   The CG book says that the method is not a miracle and should take about three weeks to get your hair where you want it.  After 4 days - I'm pretty damned pleased so I'm stoked to see what three weeks will look like.

The most expensive thing I bought for this was that damned $18 towel.  The towel part works just fine, but the smaller size does not allow for plopping action (read:  I can't quite figure out how to wrap a rectangle on my head - squares are no problem).  After blotting with the towel for a few days I doubt I would go back to plopping.  (Not until my hair was very long anyways.)  

Visit this website for tons of info on curly hair:  http://www.naturallycurly.com/

Most importantly - embrace your curls, 'cause those things ain't goin' anywhere anytime soon.

When I grow up

I am approaching 40 and I still have NO FREAKIN' IDEA what to do with the crap pile of curls on my head.  That's right:  almost 40, no hair skills.  And I'm sick to death of it.

Searching for truth and knowledge, I went to the one source for everything:  Google.  I googled me some curl options.  I Wikihow-ed and got wowed!

I found this video:

And holy cow!  A movie has never meant so much to me!  This is the ticket.  I tried it Saturday and it's nice to look like my hair has a style and I'm not the biggest loser in a lame 'fro contest.  This could be some of the finest 2 minutes and 32 seconds I've witnessed on the internets.

At this article's suggestion, I caved/splurged and bought this book and am patiently waiting for it to arrive.  (I'm cheap and went for the whole FREE shipping you have to wait 5 to 7 days for.  An ETERNITY in this day and age.)  Reaching ever higher into the splurge category I also purchased a micro-fiber towel for my plopping needs.  (The tshirt is okay but doesn't dry fast enough for my morning routine.  NO, getting up earlier is NOT an option.)

So maybe, just maybe, by the time my 20th high school reunion rolls around this fall, I'll have made peace with my inner-curl.  

Or....I could wig out like this chick:

You too Russ?

WARNING:  WOMAN POST

I am hating my body these days.  More specifically, I am hating my aging woman body.  

She is so tricky now.  What once was the norm is not even close to what she was:  normal, schedule-worthy, dependable, bitchy but tolerable.  Now she's turning into a cranky old hag.

I spent last week wondering if I should RUN!  DO NOT WALK!! to the nearest drug store so I could pee on a stick.  YO!  21 day Bitch!  WHERE ARE YOU???  Three weeks off, one on - let's go already!

Finally on Friday the boobs started aching and instead me feeling relief of not missing my favorite punctuation mark (.) I panicked because they usually ache the week before Aunt Flo shows up.   By Friday night, Flo was here and I was ever so happy to raise my glass to her appearance!

So she's here but she's different this time.  She gets a little more different every month now.  She's seriously pissing me off.  I hate her.  She makes me crazy.

I think she is rebelling because I made the change-up on her.  I did buy one of these and I actually use it.  My reasons were simple, low-maintenance but mostly related to the costs of her annual upkeep.  Oh yeah, for the tree-huggers - it's also Mother Earth friendly - NO TRASH!!  

She didn't seem to mind it the first time.  I think she laughed a little.  I know I laughed A LOT (all the way to the bank!).  When Diva and I met there was polite hand-shaking and awkward staring but we worked it out together.  And here we are at cycle two, Diva and I came together like old friends this time.  

I'm wondering if she's just giving me and Diva a hard time because outside of the cramping....me and Diva have pretty much tamed the savage beast.  No panicked trips to the store because even though I looked thru all the drawers and purses I can't find one single tampon.  No dragging of the "special bag" around.  No digging for quarters to buy a crappy tampon out of an even crappier tampon machine.

Let's back up to cramping for a minute.  Ladies, I'm not shitting you when I say my cramps are NOTHING now that Diva is around.  I hurt where I'm supposed to hurt, in my uterus and a little in my back.  

Before Diva, my whole body ached - specifically the tops of my thighs because I usually spent the week all tensed up from hurting.  And let's be honest ladies....your period stinks.  We all have a smell, but that time of the month with paper products just STINKS.  With Diva, there's nothing to stink up the place.  

I can not believe I have let myself suffer thru the tampon experience for 22+ years (holy crap that just made me feel REAL OLD).  And I hope you will consider bringing a Diva home for yourself.  My friend's daughter is graduating from high school this year and she's going into nursing.  I've got just enough shine on my brass balls to give her a Diva Cup for graduation.  I can not even imagine trying to care for the sickly when I'm worried about if I just "leaked" all over my scrubs or just having to worry about my period at all.  Diva is that awesome.

Um....so, yeah.  I just said all of that.  Out loud.  For all the internets to see.  Sheesh, with the big 20th high school reunion coming up and my latest Facebook activities.....yep, I can already feel the pointing and hear the quiet whispering, "You know what she wrote about on her blog!?"

But there's no way in hell you'd catch me wearing that little Diva pin out in public.  I do have some standards.

Oil slicks

These are the best thing EVER! I hardly wear makeup anymore because I'm too lazy to get up 15 minutes earlier than I already do. My face just feels oily by noon, no matter the occasion or application of makeup. So usually after lunch time I whip one of these babies out to mop up my face. I'm so pleased at how much they soak up and my skin feels awesome afterwards. Sometimes I cuddle the box when I'm done. I like them that much.

I used one today, then thought, "Exactly how do these things work?" CUE INTERNET and I landed on epinions because the Clean & Clear website just had some smart-ass paragraph with no real explanation on how they work. I'm looking for a nerd to explain how the sheet is engineered and why touching it to my face sucks the oil off. I'd prefer to see this demonstration on my dad's super big-assed tv, especially after having watched that spider documentary in terrifying clarity.

I can not believe the nerve of some of these folks with the bad reviews at epinions. Seems the super oily skinned folks are just downright appalled by the size of the sheet (roughly 2" x 3"). They complain they must use 3 to 5 sheets for the oil removal, only to have the oil return in an hour or two. DUDE! If you're skin is that oily, see a freakin' dermatologist! I'm sure they make something for that. It's an oil absorbing sheet, NOT blanket. Also, grow a smaller face for less surface area.

Another complaint is the cost. You pay almost $6 for a pack of 50. The ones who bitch about the price seem to direct attention to other blotting papers WITH powders at your local high-end make up counter. Most of these types of blotters are a bit larger and again, they have powder on them and HELLO! they're most likely to be much pricier.

I absolutely can not believe the number of complaints about the color of the sheet. The sheet is blue and it turns clear as it sucks grease from your face. (Anyone grossed out yet?) I guess they are all sitting in the food court at the mall IN FRONT OF EVERYONE and being humiliated because they're dobbing this blue sheet on their faces. Go to the powder room dummies! Take some pride in yourself and your appearance, be discreet and do not be puttin' yo makeup on in da street.

My last gripe is their gripe about the packaging. Yep, it's a small cardstock envelope and the inside of the envelope flap has a tape on it. When you open the flap, there's a sheet stuck to the tape, just pull it off and you're sucking oil baby! The complaint is that the package doesn't hold up. Ok, what in the hell and how much do you already have in your purse? My purse holds a bunch smaller 'purses' because I'm anal like that. My Clean & Clear pack fits just fine in my small makeup bag, no fuss no muss. Organize your purses you whiny haters! If the box isn't getting beat up by the random crap in the bottom of your bag, guess what?? It will last longer!

I reckon that concludes my lunch hour rant. I'm off to the land of invoices!