Monday, January 5, 2009

You too Russ?


I am hating my body these days.  More specifically, I am hating my aging woman body.  

She is so tricky now.  What once was the norm is not even close to what she was:  normal, schedule-worthy, dependable, bitchy but tolerable.  Now she's turning into a cranky old hag.

I spent last week wondering if I should RUN!  DO NOT WALK!! to the nearest drug store so I could pee on a stick.  YO!  21 day Bitch!  WHERE ARE YOU???  Three weeks off, one on - let's go already!

Finally on Friday the boobs started aching and instead me feeling relief of not missing my favorite punctuation mark (.) I panicked because they usually ache the week before Aunt Flo shows up.   By Friday night, Flo was here and I was ever so happy to raise my glass to her appearance!

So she's here but she's different this time.  She gets a little more different every month now.  She's seriously pissing me off.  I hate her.  She makes me crazy.

I think she is rebelling because I made the change-up on her.  I did buy one of these and I actually use it.  My reasons were simple, low-maintenance but mostly related to the costs of her annual upkeep.  Oh yeah, for the tree-huggers - it's also Mother Earth friendly - NO TRASH!!  

She didn't seem to mind it the first time.  I think she laughed a little.  I know I laughed A LOT (all the way to the bank!).  When Diva and I met there was polite hand-shaking and awkward staring but we worked it out together.  And here we are at cycle two, Diva and I came together like old friends this time.  

I'm wondering if she's just giving me and Diva a hard time because outside of the and Diva have pretty much tamed the savage beast.  No panicked trips to the store because even though I looked thru all the drawers and purses I can't find one single tampon.  No dragging of the "special bag" around.  No digging for quarters to buy a crappy tampon out of an even crappier tampon machine.

Let's back up to cramping for a minute.  Ladies, I'm not shitting you when I say my cramps are NOTHING now that Diva is around.  I hurt where I'm supposed to hurt, in my uterus and a little in my back.  

Before Diva, my whole body ached - specifically the tops of my thighs because I usually spent the week all tensed up from hurting.  And let's be honest ladies....your period stinks.  We all have a smell, but that time of the month with paper products just STINKS.  With Diva, there's nothing to stink up the place.  

I can not believe I have let myself suffer thru the tampon experience for 22+ years (holy crap that just made me feel REAL OLD).  And I hope you will consider bringing a Diva home for yourself.  My friend's daughter is graduating from high school this year and she's going into nursing.  I've got just enough shine on my brass balls to give her a Diva Cup for graduation.  I can not even imagine trying to care for the sickly when I'm worried about if I just "leaked" all over my scrubs or just having to worry about my period at all.  Diva is that awesome., yeah.  I just said all of that.  Out loud.  For all the internets to see.  Sheesh, with the big 20th high school reunion coming up and my latest Facebook activities.....yep, I can already feel the pointing and hear the quiet whispering, "You know what she wrote about on her blog!?"

But there's no way in hell you'd catch me wearing that little Diva pin out in public.  I do have some standards.

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