Moose Shooter

Freakin' AWESOME! Not only did Amy Poehler knock it out of the park but she did it VERY knocked up! So glad I stayed up to watch, I really enjoyed it. Here's the words so you can sing along. NEED MP3 version for player!!!

one two three

my name is sarah palin you all know me
vice president nominee of the gop
gonna need your vote in the next election
can i get a ‘what what’ from the senior section
mccain got experience, mccain got style
but don’t let him freak you out when he tries to smile
cause that smile be creepy
but when i be vp
all the leaders in the world gonna finally meet me

how’s it go eskimo
eskimos
tell me what you know eskimo
eskimos
how you feel eskimo
ice cold
tell me tell me what you feel eskimo
super cold

i’m jeremiah wright cause tonight i’m the preacher
i got a bookish look and you’re all hot for teacher
todd lookin fine on his snow machine
so hot boy gonna need a go between
in wasilla we just chill baby chilla
but when i see oil lets drill baby drill

my country tis of thee
from my porch i can see
russia and such

all the mavericks in the house put your hands up
all the mavericks in the house put your hands up
all the plumbers in the house pull your pants up
all the plumbers in the house pull your pants up

when i say ‘obama’ you say ‘ayers’
obama. ayers. obama. ayers.
i built me a bridge - it ain’t goin’ nowhere.
[ohhh]

mccain, palin, gonna put the nail in the coffin
of the media elite
she likes red meat
shoot a mother humpin moose, eight days of the week

[three gunshots]
now ya dead, now ya dead,
cause i’m an animal, and i’m bigger than you
holdin a shotgun walk in the pub
everybody party, we’re goin on a hunt
la la la la la la la la
[six gunshots]

yo i'm palin, i’m out

Suicidal Cicada

So I'm traveling down the big highway after work, on my way to pick up Junebug.

• Windows down
• Music blaring
• Driving speed limit

I go to pass a slow car that is driving in the FAST lane (JERK!!) and as I'm passing said car, I hear a loud noise like that car kicked up a rock onto my car (bigger JERK!!). I look sternly at slow driver and keep going.

• Windows down
• Music blaring
• Driving speed limit

As I sing (or yell, I was listening to Metallica) and drive I notice I have a STOWAWAY!

There laying on my dashboard just on the left side of the driver's area is a cicada laying on its back, legs up in the air.

And I notice the legs start moving. The highway is busy, it's just past 5:00 and the idiots are loose. Do the speed limit and you will get run over. It's a scary place in the afternoon - mornings too! So I'm watching these legs twitch around and that's when I notice...the cicada is missing it's butt. Hmmm....that is very interesting.


That's what the sound was when I passed the slow car. I ran into a big fat flying cicada. Now the bug is in its death throw right here on my dashboard. See those wings? Yep, if you can move your legs you can most likely move your wings. Remember, I'm running with the fast pack at Talladega, I don't need a freaking BUG to fly up into my face and send us all crashing about and back to the garage for some quarter panel work and a new set of tires.


I conveniently have a balled up piece of trash paper in the console. I scoop up the bug and dump him out of the window. I regret this decision immediately. He would have been a nice trophy to keep. For a while, not ever. (coughdadcough)


So hooray! That bug drama is over. Let's get back to:

• Windows down
• Music blaring
• Driving the speed limit

The wind knocks my curl into my eye so I reach up to push my hair out of my face. I feel my hair is wet. Why is my hair wet? I glance into the mirror to discover

I HAVE CICADA ASS IN MY HAIR!!!

Here's another picture of a cicada. The red circle indicates cicada ass. This is what was IN MY FREAKING HAIR.

I would estimate that I had about a tablespoon of cicada ass in my hair. It was whiteish yellow and disgusting as hell. I began to speed to get where I was going ASAP. I thought about stopping by my parent's house but I wasn't sure they'd be there. I knew I needed backup to get all the ass out of my hair.

I get to the sitter's and run to the bathroom. "Becky! I need your help NOW! Please!!" So Becky made sure all the ass was out of my hair and I washed my hands like I'd just been holding hands with Radium.

I've written about being attacked by killer bugs from outerspace before. And would you like to take a guess at who is headlining the local blues & jazz festival? Go ahead...just guess!

That's right - the gruesome twosome - Johnny and Edgar Winter. Writers and performers of Frankenstein with their creepy synthesizers.

So maybe the cicada was not suicidal after all. He was a kamikaze cicada doing the Winters' dirty work!

Is it Friday yet?

What a crappy day.

1. It's been raining all day thanks to the not tropical storm on the coast. Let's see....lots of wind, lots of rain - how the hell is that NOT tropical? Well, it is a little cold outside. Still, the rain can just knock it the hell off. Really.
2. I'm bored out of my skull.
3. I have 529 things I could (should) be doing but I don't want to and you can't make me.
4. My back hurts. I think my uterus is trying to escape. I keep telling the bitch to just go away, LEAVE, I don't care! But she's full of idle threats. Wuss! (on a side note: HOORAY! That means I'm not pregnant! Not that I was worried about it but I am thankful every. single. time. Aunt Flo shows up.)
5. Nothing interesting on Dr. Phil today. Or TV for that matter.
6. Congress is agreeing to bail those bastards out. Again.
7. Oprah has dancing dogs on and I think I want to drive to Chicago and shoot her. (that was my uterus talking)
8. Oprah does have kick ass hair this season. I really do hate her now. It looked good last year but wow - this year's curls look great. Dear Santa, will you please send me a black gay guy to do my hair everyday?
9. Paying bills today did not make me feel accomplished. Usually it does but not today. I'm blaming the rain. Or possibly my uterus.

So much for #10, I ran out. And I finally found me some Bobby Hill to watch. I reckon I'll sit here and drool at the square box to finish out my work day.

Why must today be so awful?

Oil slicks

These are the best thing EVER! I hardly wear makeup anymore because I'm too lazy to get up 15 minutes earlier than I already do. My face just feels oily by noon, no matter the occasion or application of makeup. So usually after lunch time I whip one of these babies out to mop up my face. I'm so pleased at how much they soak up and my skin feels awesome afterwards. Sometimes I cuddle the box when I'm done. I like them that much.

I used one today, then thought, "Exactly how do these things work?" CUE INTERNET and I landed on epinions because the Clean & Clear website just had some smart-ass paragraph with no real explanation on how they work. I'm looking for a nerd to explain how the sheet is engineered and why touching it to my face sucks the oil off. I'd prefer to see this demonstration on my dad's super big-assed tv, especially after having watched that spider documentary in terrifying clarity.

I can not believe the nerve of some of these folks with the bad reviews at epinions. Seems the super oily skinned folks are just downright appalled by the size of the sheet (roughly 2" x 3"). They complain they must use 3 to 5 sheets for the oil removal, only to have the oil return in an hour or two. DUDE! If you're skin is that oily, see a freakin' dermatologist! I'm sure they make something for that. It's an oil absorbing sheet, NOT blanket. Also, grow a smaller face for less surface area.

Another complaint is the cost. You pay almost $6 for a pack of 50. The ones who bitch about the price seem to direct attention to other blotting papers WITH powders at your local high-end make up counter. Most of these types of blotters are a bit larger and again, they have powder on them and HELLO! they're most likely to be much pricier.

I absolutely can not believe the number of complaints about the color of the sheet. The sheet is blue and it turns clear as it sucks grease from your face. (Anyone grossed out yet?) I guess they are all sitting in the food court at the mall IN FRONT OF EVERYONE and being humiliated because they're dobbing this blue sheet on their faces. Go to the powder room dummies! Take some pride in yourself and your appearance, be discreet and do not be puttin' yo makeup on in da street.

My last gripe is their gripe about the packaging. Yep, it's a small cardstock envelope and the inside of the envelope flap has a tape on it. When you open the flap, there's a sheet stuck to the tape, just pull it off and you're sucking oil baby! The complaint is that the package doesn't hold up. Ok, what in the hell and how much do you already have in your purse? My purse holds a bunch smaller 'purses' because I'm anal like that. My Clean & Clear pack fits just fine in my small makeup bag, no fuss no muss. Organize your purses you whiny haters! If the box isn't getting beat up by the random crap in the bottom of your bag, guess what?? It will last longer!

I reckon that concludes my lunch hour rant. I'm off to the land of invoices!

I am getting older.

And I'm not just getting older, I'm getting fatter. Technically I'm not getting fatter - the scale stays around the same range but I'm FAR from the good side of healthy.

I went to the GYN yesterday. I hadn't been in forever, like a good 10 years forever. (If it ain't broke, don't fix it?) So not only did I get to experience that loveliness of a pelvic exam, I was warned about my blood pressure.

My blood pressure!!! I feel like I caught it from all the guys here at work - all the management I work with take a pill and a good plenty of the field guys do too. But I know I did it to myself. Junk in equals junk out, right?

And today, when I tried to get my Dr. Phil/quit being a dumbass fix....he's doing the weight loss thing again. DAMMIT! My health is screaming at me from everywhere. I took the quiz and I scored a -1. MINUS ONE. According to this test, anything below a score of 24 was not good. Minus. One. GAH! You can take the test and see info here.

So tonight when I get home, I will finally complete our move. We've been in the house 2 years now and the last boxes to unpack are my books. Guess what's hiding in the books? My barely used Dr. Phil Weight Loss Challenge book.

Oh no, you didn't!!

This is my favorite commercial right now:

I catch myself singing it almost NON STOP and the problem has not eased a bit over the past few weeks and might not ever go away because they're giving away the WHOLE SONG they wrote as well. And I will unashamedly admit it's in rotation on my MP3 player. Sigh. Who's the sucka now? ME.

I will probably continue to nervously sing it as this thing keeps bouncing around.

This is NOT the side of the storm I want to be on. There's a few reasons I don't want to live in Oklahoma anymore and tornadoes are one of them. The northeast quadrant of a hurricane is usually the nastiest with the most potential of spawning tornadoes. At least it's supposed to be a fast moving storm once it makes landfall.

As everyone knows, the tv broadcasters are switching to digital signals. I live in a test area so instead of waiting until 2009, we're getting switched over September 9th. September 9th is conveniently (NOT!) scheduled in the middle of peak hurricane season and in the last days of our impending Ike doom. THANKS FCC!! This makes my small hurricane tv completely useless. I've been trusting all of those "If you have cable you have nothing to worry about." commercials. Like a dumbass. DUMBASS!!! It didn't dawn on me until last night when I was gathering up flashlights and batteries that I will not be able to experience the joy of watching our local weatherman spit and sputter his way thru LIVE! hurricane coverage.

The good in all of this is that we finally busted out the weather radio that Lee Anne gave me a few years ago. And I never bothered to open before. It's quite lovely to know that even though she's gone, she continued to look out for me like an awesome auntie does!

Careful what you wish for missy!

So Hanna is now coming RIGHT FOR US in Southeastern North Carolina. I don't believe this is my fault, but I will apologize just in case it is. The latest report has the eye aimed right at my town.

Yes, I'm nervous. There's a storm a commin' from out yonder. But I am so, so glad it is. I need my guys to know they'll have jobs for a while. Work has been so slow, dreadful slow that they're all starting to get panicky. I don't want to work with panicky men, they get whiny and slack off their paperwork. They also get pretty short-fused and start with the in-fighting and bickering. Boys are dumb like that.

I get to spend my lunch hour today shopping for hurricane supplies at Walmart. Woo hoo! Cheese and peanut butter crackers for everyone! Husband is going to take care of the outside stuff at home tonight, I'll be doing the same at Memaw's house after work.

We had a test run for the cats last night. Tahlee was all pressed up against the front door when Mr. Tat Cat decided he was coming inside for a while (I reckon he's starting to feel the cool nights in his bones). Tahlee hid behind the recliner when Tat came in to drink water from the community bowl (just inside at the front door, cats and dog both use it). Tat was drinking away and Tahlee came over to smell his butt. Tahlee about jumped out of his skin every time Tat swished his tail. I think they'll get along fine in the house during the storm. They don't seem to mind each other - they both had big pupiled eyes looking at each other but no one growled. We'll have to wait and see. And have plenty of band-aids on hand in case we have to break up any kitteh fights.

Here's hoping we come out the other side ok, good luck to everyone!